Aquabike #1Tomorrow

I have my first race of the season tomorrow...Olympic distance aquabike. I will probably feel like a schmuck when I finish the bike and see everyone else keep going, but, not exactly a choice, so instead I get to go to the finish line and cheer! I went up to Quassy today to get my packet and drop off my bike. It's about an hour away, so I need to get up at 4:30 tomorrow. Great. Last night I had two (TWO) separate dreams about missing the start and forgetting really important stuff (like wetsuit and bike shoes). Hopefully that's out of my system so I'll sleep tonight.

Goals? Eh...not really. I really have no basis for judging the swim (though there were something like 12 bouys on the lake today...confusing), so my only goal is to NOT PANIC and feel comfortable. My last triathlon (2007 I think?) was basically panicking the entire half-mile and wishing I were close enough to shore to quit the whole damn thing. So anything would be an improvement. And, the aquabike wave goes last (with the older women wave) so I don't have to worry about being swum over. Nice. Bike goals would be to average 17+, since pretty much every ride I've done lately, regardless of course of distance, has been about 16. I don't know anything about this course, but at the same time, I don't have to run afterward, so I would like to end it feeling cooked. We'll see!!

Just Waiting

Waiting for the results from my ankle MRI yesterday. (UPDATE: Initial report looks like just RA, not osteonecrosis, which is a good thing...sort of. It still sucks.)
Waiting to make an appointment with the guy from HSS. (August 17...wow, that's a long wait.)
Waiting to find out what the f*ck is wrong and whether surgery can fix it so I can walk normally again. And run...? Ever?
Waiting to make an appointment with my superintendent to see if he will let me do the CCC bike ride (don't want to do this until I know if I have to have surgery, which would likely mean the ride would be out anyway so why bother. But since my HSS appointment is now not til August, I guess I won't have to worry about surgery before the ride.).
Waiting for the school year to end. I finally reached the end of my rope with it all, maybe a little later than usual but basically right on schedule.

May sucks.

Pictures

Bought her this toy stroller at a tag sale. Super cute to watch her push it around for the first day. Then she decided she wanted to RIDE, not push. The toy is now hidden.

My kid loves to put a hat or bag over her head and walk around blind. She did this when she was crawling too. Can't get enough of it. Weirdo.


These two just cuz they're cute.

We spent the morning at the beach today (a nearby beach for rich people who can afford to live in that zip code...we've been scoping those beaches out because after Memorial Day, we can't get it). Andra loved sitting in the rocks and shells. She tried throwing rocks in the water, but most ended up just dropped at her feet. Of course, I didn't have my camera or my phone. But it sure was a pretty day!

Osteonecrosis

My latest search term in Google.

Saw my rheumatologist today. He wants me to get a bone scan and/or an MRI to find out if my ankle issue is osteonecrosis, not just regular RA damage. Basically, the blood supply may be being cut off to my talus bone as a result of the RA damage, effectively killing the bone. Reading the symptoms (though it's not too common in this bone, more common in the hip), it could be. Because, except for the neck, I have had no other joints flare, and RA is usually much more whole-body. The scan/MRI, if read by someone who knows my history and can compare to my history of x-rays, should offer a definitive answer. He wouldn't really speculate, which was annoying but at the same time appreciated. Assuming my insurance will cover it, I will go to the Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC for these tests. It's nice to live so close to some of the best medical facilities in the world.

I asked for more pain medication, he prescribed Voltaren (which apparently has caused a huge decline in the vulture populations of India...love Wikipedia). This will be the first time in 11 years with this disease I have ever used prescription pain relief. He offered me a narcotic pain reliever...he says if I'm complaining of any pain, it must be bad because he still insists that I have a super high pain tolerance. Hopefully Voltaren will help. It doesn't hurt when I limp (the new walk), but I'd really like to STOP limping because EVERY SINGLE DAY at school at least one teacher I haven't seen in a while asks why I'm limping. "Eh, just an ankle issue," is my standard response. Annoying, though of course they mean well.

Been slacking off in the workout department, partly for lack of time (meetings, doctor appointments, husband now also working out and therefore cutting into my time somewhat, though it's good that he is stepping it up) but more lack of planning. Soon...only 4 more weeks of serious school. Although I do have 2 aqua-bikes (though I still call them triathlons) I'm doing in June, so I probably shouldn't slack off too much.

Still working on the appeal. Blah. I guess I'm in no hurry to get the whole thing denied once and for all. I have two chances...the superintendent, and then if that doesn't work I can possibly file a grievance through the union to try to force the district to let me take the days without pay. Don't really know what any of that means yet.

Making a silver lining...

Next week I will talk to the union rep to see what my options are to appeal. Then I will appeal, and then wait. I figure I have a 5% chance of getting all 5 days off, and a 10% chance of getting 3-4 days. That's a 90% chance of being screwed. So I am preparing to make my silver lining. It will not be nearly as awesome as going to California to ride with 300 other people to raise awareness for the disease that is eating away at my joints...in fact, it could quite suck...but, it will be the best I can do and it will be better than doing nothing.

I am going to ride the distances myself, after school, as if I WERE in California. The longest weekday distance is 65 miles. My parents can still come out to watch Andra (and to be back-up support for the rides). I am sure I can drum up people to ride with me. I can get publicity for all this (positive publicity...hopefully the urge to say terrible things about the actually really good district I work in will pass...). Maybe I can get the Connecticut chapter of the Arthritis Foundation to organize their own Connecticut Coast Classic (in the summer, of course). I might be a crappy teacher for a week as I'll be awfully tired, but honestly, I wouldn't really care.

So that's Plan B. I hope I don't need it, but I am prepared to go gung-ho after it if I need to.

Workouts fell short this week, though Tuesday I did the core class and 45 minutes of upper body lifting after, and Wednesday I swam 1800. Weather has been perfect for running or walking. Yeah. We've been going to playground, and to a school track meet. Gotta say, I loved cheering for the slower girls, it's more inspiring even than cheering for the girl who can run a 5:07 mile (and trains with the boys' team...because she can run a 5:07 mile).

No bike ride for me Sunday as I am volunteering at the Mother's Day 10k I have run the past 4 years. Gotta keep the streak up somehow.

Really?

My request for time off for the ride in September was denied. I really hadn't thought this was a possibility until 3 weeks ago when I asked the union rep for advice. I mean, we get 3 "personal" days a year (although I knew I probably wouldn't be allowed to use them...I had to take an unpaid day to run my last marathon in 2008...to call them personal days is quite a misnomer). I expected I would have to take the days unpaid, but I didn't really get that they could completely deny them. The principal said he would support it before I requested the time. So when my favorite HR guy stopped into my room after school Friday, I knew it was bad news. I was, I think, very professional in my pissed-offedness, I thanked him and just let him know that I would have to speak with the union to see if I had any other options. He proceeded to tell me that he has arthritis in his back, so he knew how I felt.

Yeah. Anyone reading with RA, you don't need me to tell you how that made me feel. Those of you who don't have it, understand that osteoarthritis (what we all usually think of when we hear "arthritis") and rheumatoid arthritis are nothing alike. I don't even want to bother to try to explain, so I won't. But at this point I couldn't get the guy out of my classroom fast enough.

Bottom line is, I have no idea if I will be able to convince anyone (my only hope is the superintendent, and possibly the Board of Ed) that I deserve this. Apparently, through our contract, the HR guy probably does have the right to deny it. So I can ask for special consideration (which they will grant in some situations, but usually it's for deaths or serious illnesses...and...I don't know that I can convey how important this is knowing that they probably just won't care), but I don't know what my chances are.

Two days later I am less emotional about it, but still pissed. I may be able to get them to give me one or 2 days, and maybe ride for 3 or 4 of the 8 days. I may be able to do the ride another year (without having to do all the fundraising again), though for many reasons I feel like if it's not this year, it just won't happen. Fred will definitely still be going, so at least I don't have to tell everyone who donated that the whole thing is off...just my part.

9:16

First 500 in the YMCA pool: 10:35 back in February.
Second 500: 9:48 April 16.
Third 500: 9:16, today.

This time I decided to push the last 200 yards, but even the first 300 were faster. I am pleased! But I can get under 9:00. I am still really only swimming once a week.

I also did 2 fast (for me, come on) 100s, 1:32 and 1:33. Thought I wouldn't make the second one. Total workout was only 1600, but for me it was way more intense than normal so that seemed just fine. I have no intentions of swimming more than a mile in any races this year so no need to do 3000 yd workouts - which I considered doing, as the Masters group I swam with this winter is now doing 3200+ workouts. Ha, I am glad I didn't do the second session!!!

Recap: Worked out 6 days straight last week including a solo 32 mile bike ride, but then blew off the entire weekend. It was RELAXING and I loved hanging out with Andra.

Swim recap

Swim workout yesterday...pool now is open MWF until 3:30 so that means it's much easier to fit in 1-2 swim workouts a week. Recapping what I did today for my future reference...Warm up 100, 100 pull. Then I decided to swim 1000. Not fast, just to do it because I have never done that continuously. It was fine, 10:15 for the first 500 and 10:03 for the second, so I guess I did negative splits! Then I did 4 50s. First was :47, second :46, third :43 and last :41. Sprints are FUN. And I guess I need to do them more to improve my speed in the longer distances. Weird how training plans for all sports basically follow the same principles...

Today after school our faculty meeting was JUST canceled (not that I was planning to go) so 2 other teachers are meeting down by the beach for a ride. I have last period free, so I am going to go home, ride the 8 miles to meet them, do a 16 mile loop, and ride home. It's a gorgeous day out.

School gym

This is where I work out when I don't have much time. Today, for instance. Planned to swim right after school, but a girl I tutored last year begged to see me after school. Since 1 hour of tutoring = 2 days of daycare, hard to turn down. Luckily, I had left workout clothes at school, and snuck down to lift during my lunch block. The fitness center is huge, though the equipment is pretty old and geared toward meathead football players (who leave 100 pound weights on the machines). Still, good enough.

I almost signed up for the local aquabike, as I haven't heard back from the relay woman and my sense is I'm not going to. But I couldn't click after I entered in all my credit card info. The thought of swimming in Long Island Sound in June just freaked me out. I will sign up...but I need to psych myself up for it.

Relay team?

A guy on the ride today asked if I was interested in doing the bike leg of a local olympic distance triathlon as part of his wife's team. I said sure, then later realized they do actually have an aqua-bike division (last year, 6 whole people did it! I could win!). But, I'd rather do the relay, I think it would be more fun to be part of a team. I called her, but she had kids yelling in the background and will call me back.

Today's ride was, in a word, CCCCOLD. My thermometer at home said 43 degrees. I dressed more warmly than last week (I think it was also in the 40s then, maybe 46) but was shivering badly right before we left. I was actually thankful for the giant hills on the route (hills I normally avoid at all costs) as they were the only thing that got blood flowing into my fingertips. We did 32 miles, not exactly fast (15.something) but only 6 of us kept even that pace. Seriously, it was one hill after another for the first 14 miles, then a little more downhill mixed in for the second half. 25 riders showed up (there's a big push to get new riders, so most of those people were in the 18- or 22-mile group), and one other woman sort of stayed with our group, but not really. She had a really nice tri bike, yet...she couldn't keep up. I find it weird that people will spend so much money on really nice bikes even though, umm, they don't really need them. Maybe I am just jealous though. Anyway, I hope they don't make the rides much longer...2 hours is enough. But I do hope someone starts to push the pace. It's nice to have a social ride, but, I wouldn't mind getting my ass kicked, too.

9:48

Swam today after school since the pool was open. Did 2000 yards, including 2 timed 500s, just to see. First one was 9:48, vs. 10:35 back in February, so 47 seconds faster. The second one was 10:03 I think, I didn't pay much attention at the very end as I knew it wasn't better.

How come the very first 50 I swim feels incredibly smooth, effortless, and fast, but that feeling doesn't last??? I mean, it makes sense that my form would suffer when I am tired, but pretty early on I start to feel slightly awkward.

Jack, one of the lifeguards (I think that's his name, I am terrible remembering names) that I say hi to, came in almost at the end of my set and said my form looked good, but he had 2 suggestions for me. One, my right arm was entering the water when it was already fully extended so I was apparently missing out on some of the glide, and two, my fingers are spread way apart and so I am losing power. I swam another hundred thinking about what he said, and I can see that making a difference once I can make the changes without thinking about them. As it was, everything else fell apart when I focused on keeping my fingers together.

Almost worked out every day this week...but when Wednesday night came around, I didn't make it to the pool. Andra and I got to a playground every day this week though, which was awesome. I figure if I make my workout a priority, it's only fair that hers is, too. Some days they go outside at daycare, but it's been a bit chilly in the mornings so afternoons with me have been her only outside time.

Sunday's ride supposedly is drawing 20 riders (mostly newbies probably) and we're doing 32 miles. If, that it, the weather holds. I could do cold, or rain, but not cold rain.

Sunday ride

Eight of us went in the faster group today, which ended up being perfect. Definitely a bit of a push, and a hilly course (there really isn't anything else in Connecticut/NY except rolling hills), but totally doable and a much better workout that I would get alone. We rode 27 miles, 1:36 at 16.6mph average. That one mph difference makes...a difference. I guess like running, at one point a 9:00 pace would have been easy for me, but an 8:00 pace would be doable but tough. Anyway, one guy today got dropped after the first climb (which I had just done Wednesday in our 88 degree weather...at the end of my ride...much easier in 50 degrees and at the beginning!) but the rest of us were very compatible speed wise. One other girl showed up today, but she was brand new and rode in the slower group. It is just nice to not have to do all my rides alone!

Signed up

June 5, Olympic distance aquabike. Meaning it's like a triathlon without the run...just the swim and the bike, and it's a separate category (probably with like 5 other people doing it).

Rode on Wednesday in the heat wave...24 miles, my usual 15-16mph pace, but I was exhausted afterwards...I am NOT used to 88 degree weather! Swam yesterday.

Rev3 Aquabike???

June 5, about an hour away in Middlebury, CT. They have an olympic aquabike race along with the triathlon. And half distances the next day. Surprisingly, the swim for the half is only .3 miles longer, which seems like nothing. However, I don't know that I want to kill myself to do 56 miles on the bike, even though I've already done a 30 this week and adding another 26 doesn't seem unreasonable given that I'd have 9 weeks (and wouldn't have to run afterwards!). But, olympic will probably win.

I am setting myself a deadline of Friday to decide and commit and sign up. Please hold me to it.

I rode 30 by myself on Friday. I chose a route that I think of as impossibly hilly (everything is hilly in CT, but this has a lot of really steep hills) just to get it in early in the season and planned to just cruise it. Early on right after I stopped by a friend's house to ditch my vest (too hot), I was passed by some guy. OK, I didn't do anything about it because I figured he was just fast. But no, there was no reason for him to pass me. He hung out about 30 feet ahead of me for 2 miles, and I even found myself slowing down to avoid passing him back. Finally I'd had enough though, it was silly. So I passed him and didn't see him again.

This morning I did 22 with a couple of guys I did my masters swim class with and a few I didn't know (9 guys and me). I was not intimidated to ride with them like I was to swim...and I more than held my own. Granted, it was a no-drop ride and our pace was about 15mph (slower than my solo, hilly, low-key 30), but it was fun. Not only was I one of the stronger riders (and, surprisingly, climbers) but it was a friendly group and I talked to just about everyone. Or, rather, they talked to me. I am really awkward in a new group and am completely incapable of starting conversations, so I was especially pleased that I didn't make a social fool out of myself. One guy tried to convince me to sign up for the next swimming session, and a bunch said they hope I come back next week. One even said I should come back because they expect a bunch more riders, and a bunch who will do an 18-20mph pace, implying that I could keep up with them. Umm, I am all for trying, but I don't know about that. I promised to return, but also said "I might let my husband come now and then instead of me," and another guy said, "No, we want you." (If I weren't about to disclose that these are by and large short, stocky middle aged family men trying to lose their winter spare tires, the whole story would have sounded much better. But still, I don't mind being the token woman on the ride. It's good for my ego.)

Two pictures from today, one from the beach yesterday.

Mommy friends

Since Jessica and Kate moved back to Chicago (all of a week and a half ago) I've been trying to find a way to get a new mommy friend. I don't need many...just one was fine, Jessica and I got along really well and liked doing a lot of the same stuff. She introduced me to Cynthia, and we went to the playground today. Plus, Amanda who was in my swimming lane friended me on Facebook today, her daughter is 4 months older than Andra. So, although I don't know if they'll be quite as much fun as Jess, since there are 2 of them it might fill the void.

Short lived

Cortisone shot worked for about 3 days. Oh well. All I can do now is wait it out. Frustrating, especially at school, but if I dwell on it, well, that won't help. So I can't. Must...look...forward...

My 500m swim time improved from 11:34 to 10:30. Still slow but not the slowest in the group, and one of the best overall improvements. I think from here on out the pool at the Y is open for lap swimming until 4:15 at least 3 days a week, so I can add that into the mix of bike and elliptical and weights more easily. I've taken it easy this week (kind of a bad cold and cough, plus just mentally dealing with ankle) but will have to get my spring plan in swing soon. I keep looking at local triathlons, and maybe I will plan to do an olympic and DNF. What the hell...it's obviously not a triathlon, but the worst part about not running/racing is that I have no gauge of my fitness/effort and hence no real motivation other than just "exercising." It doesn't help that I've been eating too much crap but also losing a little weight (yet, the body fat scale creeps up, so it's clearly not fat I'm losing). If I have a race to do, I can then have the fun of seeing where I fit in with others in the swim and bike portion.

Cortisone shot and beach pictures

Got my cortisone shot Friday. It certainly has helped. When I stand up now and take that first step, I can just WALK. It had been very painful to do that, though a few steps later it wasn't so bad, though I was always limping. I still can't run. The bones continue to click and rub against each other and generally feel loose. Sometimes when it cracks, it hurts. I think it's like an earthquake, the pressure builds and when it finally gives, it cracks and hurts. I can't really balance on just my left leg, because all those little corrections you do to keep your balance cause cracking of the joint. But the painful inflammation is gone, at least for now. And I don't think I am noticeably limping anymore, though my gait isn't quite normal. The ankle is still stiff, and I still am AWARE of it. Hard to explain, but normally when you walk, you just walk, you don't have to think about it. I am hoping that when my orthotics come back (again) next week, that will also help, though I don't think I have a prayer to run for a while. I am not even playing that game where you wonder if your "injury" (not an injury in my case, but a good enough analogy) is real or if you're just being a wimp. I am not being a wimp. There is just no point in my running "through" this. Hopefully the joint will stabilize, maybe fuse itself (so I don't have to consider surgery in a few years), but at least get to the point where it's not so loose. If it stays at least as good as it is now, walks are an option again. Maybe not fast walks that could count as a workout, but at least a way to get outside, especially if Andra needs to go to the park or take an extra nap.

A few pictures from the beach last week. Schools in my town were closed all week, though the town I teach in went back Thursday after power was restored late Wednesday night. My friend Jessica and her daughter Kate are moving back to Chicago tomorrow, which I am REALLY sad about, but we did get to spend a couple days hanging out in the beautiful weather.

Nor'easter

We were lucky and never even lost power, but the nor'easter that blew through this weekend has shut area schools (including mine) today and tomorrow, at least. Crazy! A huge tree fell across our road a few houses down, but didn't hit power lines, houses, or even a car. Fred's brother and his wife and new baby are without power til Thursday probably. I still took Andra to daycare today and went to the gym, then did a few errands and then cleaned half the house. I'll take her tomorrow too and get more cleaning and some organizing done.

We're halfway to our fundraising goal! Not bad for a month into it.

Also, since I am without my orthotics for a few weeks as they get readjusted, I put into my shoes the Dr. Scholl's arch supports I bought during my pregnancy. Amazingly, they worked much better than the orthotics! Less pain, though still the crunching. Which might be taken care of with the shot on Friday. Hopefully the orthotics will come back like that...or else I guess I make them redo them? I like the podiatrist and he said he was "a perfectionist," so...

Gimpy

I went back to the podiatrist yesterday for an orthotics check, which was good because I felt like they were doing absolutely nothing. He seemed surprised, and decided to get xrays of my feet while standing, with and without the orthotics. I am glad he did. Since my last xrays (I think back in September) apparently things have progressed significantly. That Sept xray report said no damage, the first orthopedic said no damage (and no to the cortisone shot), and the new guy said there clearly WAS damage, though I couldn't tell when he showed me. This time, it was crystal clear even to me. Upside: it's real so I don't have to feel like a wuss for not running (or walking) these last few months. Downside: he doesn't think the orthotics will help much, though he did take them back to have the arch raised more just in case it will help. He also said he'd guess I'll need the joint fused at some point, but that yeah, I could still run after that since no motion = no pain. I go for a cortisone shot next Friday.

I keep trying to compare this ankle pain to my wrists. I didn't think it was exactly the same...but now that I know it really is RA in the ankle, I guess it is, it's just that the joints function differently. My wrists used to hurt if they stayed in the same position too long (sleeping, say, or on the bike). The ankle is always worst when I first stand up. I would have real weakness in my wrists...not being able to pick up heavy books, or open doors. With the ankle, you do'nt use your toes the way you do your fingers so that strength loss isn't the same. Still, the swelling, stiffness and pain are the same. So, now I have some faith that the cortisone shot will actually help. I wish I had realized this earlier, say in September, and maybe some of this damage could have been prevented. But...at the same time, despite all my wrists have been through and the times I probably thought I would never lift a dumbbell again, they are functionally 95% normal and pain free now. SO...lesson is, relax, I will run again. Or hell, at least WALK again.

At swimming last night we did a mini indoor triathlon. Swim 1000 yards (I was second to last, not last!), spin 20 min, run (or elliptical in my case) 20 min. I make a pathetic exit from the pool at 4:18 on this video (ankle, can you tell it hurts?), though I look much stronger spinning in the middle of the video, and despite my warnings I even made an elliptical appearance at 7:30.

Guess who's a real swimmer?

Guess who that is on the left??? Looks like a real swimmer, huh? (Don't disillusion me, if I made it onto the poster, I can't be that bad.)

At Masters tonight, Amanda in my lane told me my picture was on the poster advertising the next session, and apparently the same images were also in an email we got. I feel so cool! And to make things better, a fast woman from 2 lanes over told me in the locker room that I have gotten a lot better and look much smoother and faster. It FEELS better, too, much more natural. Well, except for this breathing stuff we did tonight. I did OK taking only 4 breaths per length for the 200, 300 and 500 sets. The 3 breaths per length for the next 300 was pushing it, and the 1 breath per length for the 200 ended up being more like 8 25s (with loooong rests in between). But I do have faith that all this misery is paying off. We retest the 500 on the last session in 2 weeks. I only really hope for under 10:30, though 9:5x would be very nice. At least now, I feel like I can cruise for long sets and feel comfortable, even if I am not good at pushing the pace. Comfort was all I wanted. If I do this again, I can work on speed.

Another runner with RA

Another runner with RA.

Click and look at the picture of her toes. This serves to remind me that I will run again. Just like Jeri.

More elliptical

Saturday I did almost an hour (7 miles) on the elliptical. Dare I say it? It was kind of fun. It is as close as I can get to running these days, and I miss it!! I turned up the iPod and watched my reflection in the TV on the machine and went pretty hard! I want to make a comparison to running...like, normally in an hour I might have once run 7 miles, but now (ankle aside) could probably only do 6. So should I set the elliptical so that that the effort is the same? Maybe it doesn't matter and I should go by heartrate. Or really, maybe who the hell cares since I can't run and I should just do what makes me happy. But seriously, anyone with elliptical experience want to share how you set it up?? I'm curious. I also lifted, if nothing else at least I can keep my upper body looking good!

Ordered Dansko clogs, should be here tomorrow. Hopefully will make the limp less noticeable. Kids at school have asked, and I don't want it to become that noticeable. Also found a good resource at www.liftmelevel.com for anyone with RA foot issues, they (for a steep price, but worth it if it works) can modify your existing shoes by putting on a rocker bottom or a flat steel rod to stiffen the sole. I will be bringing this info to my podiatrist appointment in a couple weeks. If the orthotics don't work, they need to help me find another solution. I get annoyed that I have to find all this stuff myself, it's the doctors' job to help. But...I know I also need to be my own advocate, because honestly, if you haven't had this disease, you can't really understand what it feels like. It's one thing to know what a talonavicular joint is and does, but it's another thing to know what it feels like when it doesn't work. For me it seems to be the toe push off that gets me. I do this rotation from my hip on the left side to avoid the push off. Hence the limp. But I also want the podiatrist to watch me walk. Seriously, I don't understand (in retrospect) how he could have ordered orthotics without doing that. Yes, they took a mold of my feet, but...wouldn't watching me walk/limp tell them more??? I need to write all this down before the March 10 appointment.

Rocker sole talonavicular arthritis

From now on, every time I do a Google search and come up empty I am going to post it in my title so the next person looking for what I am looking for at least knows they are not crazy. ARGH.

I was spinning on Monday night, and as I was walking from the locker room to the spin room in my cycling shoes, I realized that I could walk in those things without a limp. Now, most of you know that walking in cycling shoes is not exactly normal, those things are clearly not designed for walking. BUT nonetheless, they so prevent a real toe push off, and as such, prevent a certain ankle motion that I find painful! So I've been Googling and the best I can find is that a rocker bottom sole MIGHT work better than these custom orthotics (that my insurance may or may not be paying for...) which appear to do...NOTHING. I did go try on Dansko clogs today (somewhat better, actually) as well as some really ugly Sketcher shoes with the really ugly rocker bottom (not as good, probably because the soles are not as stiff). I did find some places online that will modify your existing shoes by replacing the soles with rocker bottoms, and I've emailed to find out more. My local shoe repair shop basically said no, impossible. OK. And I USED to have this pair of clogs I LOVED (husband hated them) that had WOODEN ROCKER SOLES, but I got rid of them after they spent one too many humid summers in the basement and got pretty moldy. I am SO wishing I had just kept them to see if they would work now. Except, really, I want a pair of shoes I can go for long walks with this summer pushing the BOB. I have sort of given up on the running for the time being.

But I really want to be able to walk without a limp.

Oh, and for anyone who cares, that post where I thought I tool a minute off my 500 swim time? Yeah, turns out my 11:34 time was 500 meters, and my 10:35 time was 500 yards. FUCK.

Mass starts (and my friend's daughter arrived from Haiti!)

At swimming tonight we practiced mass starts. Well, if 11 swimmers counts as a "mass." (See video of the Tuesday group doing this here.) It was actually a super good workout for me. They took out a couple of the lane lines and we all pretended to tread water (the pool is 3.5 feet deep) and went on "go." We did some different distances, 200, 400, 150, 100, 200, 50, maybe one or two others but it was about 1200 meters total (found out this pool is meters not yards). We'd all start and at the other end have to swim under the lane line and go back. There was plenty of hitting and kicking and swimming over people and gulping water and feeling crowded and panicky. It was really good for me! Also because I had to swim much harder than I normally do to keep up. I was NEVER last, and I was in the middle of the pack for all the 100s and shorter (I love sprints in any sport, my endurance totally needs work though), especially in the one 100 we did with pull buoys. So tonight did tons for my confidence in surviving a swim, even if I am still going to be slow.

Now, I just need my ankle to stabilize enough so I can actually DO a triathlon this year! Or if not, I need to find an aquabike race! Or I suppose I could just DNF at a triathlon, that might actually be what I have to do.

ALSO...my friend Nikki met her daughter TODAY! After a rollercoaster I wouldn't believe if I hadn't seen her go through it, Aliette finally got out of Haiti and they met in Miami today. You've got to go see the pictures, and she has the whole story on her blog too if you want to know what she went through!

Does almost still count??

Got Andra to bed and when Fred came home from his meeting at 8:05 I left for the pool. When I got there at 8:15 I stopped just to check that the swim team would be out by 8:30. DAMN. Thursday's they are there til 9! And the pool closes at 9:45. I was not going to sit around for 45 minutes to feel like I had to rush to get in a 45 minute swim. Of course I had no other workout clothes, just my swimsuit. So I came home. And all day I've been try not to let myself wimp out, I really don't like going to the pool so late. I like 6pm, even 7pm workouts, but 9??? Forget it. Luckily I'm off next week and can swim at noon a couple days.

Yay elliptical! (Not really.)

Went to the gym after school with high hopes of running! Felt like I could all day. Had that nervous energy you get when something exciting is going to happen! I lasted about 30 seconds. Moved to elliptical machine #1 (Precor) which caused too much ankle movement and crunching. Moved downstairs (the Y has two levels of cardio machines, I am a 2nd floor regular) to the other kind and it worked. I didn't love it, but I can adapt. Only did 20 minutes, then lifted (some kettlebell stuff, abs, legs). Have to just be patient and wait out this crunchy phase. Not going to lie, not being able to run mentally SUCKS. But I do have other goals to take its place, swimming and cycling.

Fred and I have officially signed up for the CCC and have started the long road to raising $6000 by October. See the link to the right if you want to donate to the Arthritis Foundation! Anyone who has RA that reads and has your own blog, I would love it if you mentioned my ride and posted this link http://cccsocal.kintera.org/clare to your blog! I may try to get creative ala Lil Runner and raise money through blog giveaways or something, but not yet. Anyone have any tips for fundraising??

Minus :59

I went to the pool tonight (I was the ONLY one there for a while, I am SOSOSO dedicated huh?) and swam a mile, and retested my 500. I paid much more attention to my breathing, and for most of it I managed to breathe every other stroke instead of my usual every stroke. There were a few times I thought I might die, but mostly, at least the first 400, I didn't panic. The result? 10:35. Still not anything, but a :59 improvement! Thanks for the comments, the advice, and the reminders that swimming really is hard! I hope by the end of this 10 week session to feel comfortable swimming this "new" way.

As for the 500 time...11:34 was my first ever attempt, so I really had no idea how to pace myself, etc. I think 10:35 is more indicative of my level, as a one minute improvement in 9 days isn't exactly real. I'll chalk that minute up to experience and mental issues, and use 10:35 as my benchmark. We retest in 3 weeks and again at the end, in 6 weeks. I hope to have a time of 9:30, which is 1:54/100. That doesn't sound too ambitious, it sounds pretty attainable to me IF I work at it. So, I will rededicate myself to 2 pool sessions a week on my own. Unfortunately, Friday nights will probably be one of them, and either Sunday afternoon or Monday nights for the other. That sucks, but there's no way to do it in the morning what with school starting at 7:30, and the pool not being open for lap swimming in the afternoons. I know I'll look back on this time in a year and feel proud of being dedicated to something that is inconvenient and not nearly as fun as running, so that's keeping me going.

Andra LOVES swimming. We went today, and she is now a HUGE fan of sitting on the side of the pool and jumping in. She is still, at 14 months almost, an ankle- and wrist-twirler, and when I sit her up there, she gets the biggest, goofiest grin, twirls away, and then lunges into the water. She tries to swim away from me once she's in, but when I almost let go, she almost sinks, so we're not quite there yet.

Why swimming is hard

I keep trying, and I will continue to do so, but this is not getting easier. Maybe it didn't help that this week I didn't make it to the pool on my own at all. But even so....UGH. Tonight was 2700 yards. I managed to do 2600 before the pool closed and they kicked us out, so I only missed the 100 cool down. And I wasn't the only one who didn't quite finish, plus there was a Tuesday guy in my lane (yes, the slow lane) who only was doing 2100. At one point I thought I was doing ok, and the coach said to me, you've almost got it, but for the next 2 laps have your hands touch every stroke. We've done this, and IT SUCKS. I went from being ok (meaning heart rate under control and not panicking about lack of air) to tensing up, feeling like I was stopping dead in the water after every stroke, and having my shoulders and lower back get so tired from trying not to sink (because I felt like I was stopped dead in the water), and gasping for air. Then we had to do some 25s all out, and I loved those, because when I go fast, for sch a short distance, it all comes together. But when I have to do a longer set, I have to slow way down to make it, and feel like I'm working way harder than if I just swam my own way. I guess it just will take more time. The very last 300, it actually did come together, but it's so fleeting!

The ankle doesn't do well being in the same pointed position for so long, and at the end of a set when I rest it takes a while to even put weight on that foot. Looked ridiculous when I got out of the pool, could not walk without a hugely noticeable limp. But I did get my orthotics today. Will take a week or so to break them in. I don't expect to be able to run for a few months, that's just the way the RA is, but it would be nice to walk without pain. Hopefully it will stabilize soon, or I may decide to go for the cortisone shot by June. At any rate, Fred and I signed up for the California Coast Classic so I'll be focusing on riding soon.

I've been walking around NORMALLY today. I caught myself NOT limping and, it was weird! Still hurts but not enough to limp.

Ups and Downs

Not much to report on. Swimming has been ok. We did a 500 yard "time trial" (can I call it that in swimming?) and, not unexpectedly, I was the slowest one in the Wednesday group. 11:34. It's really hard to push for me when swimming, that whole breathing thing mentally freaks me out. If I am breathing too hard, but only get to breathe when there's a chance I might get a mouthful of water instead of air, I am reluctant to go so fast that I can't survive if I miss a breath. Eh...I guess all that matters is if I improve that time, and we'll be retested in a month and then at the end of the program. You swimmers, can you give me any indication of what 11:34 MEANS for a 500? Like, for me, if I went all out I could, at least when I could run at all, have probably run a 6:40 mile or so. A more comfortable mile pace might have been closer to 8:00 if there was a reason to run fast, or a sustainable pace more around 9:00. Clearly 11:34 is not fast...but does it put me in the ranks of the 12:00 milers, the 10:00 milers, the 15:00 walkers?? It's weird having no reference point.

Get orthotics Wednesday. Don't want to say anything else, don't want to think about it. Either they'll work, or they won't.

In order to help in the not thinking about it, I've made a big decision. Although we won't officially commit til next week, Fred and I are going to sign up for the California Coast Classic, a 585 mile bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles that raises money for the Arthritis Foundation. RA has, temporarily I hope, taken away my ability to run. On the other hand, it sparked my running in the first place. But, still, it's taken it away. And I am pissed. But rather than dwell on that, I will ride. And swim (which, incidentally, hurts my ankle), but this summer I will ride. A LOT. I will be a cyclist.

And I will prove something to myself, again.

On a happier note, Andra is the BEST. I went out to lunch with two friends today, and she was incredibly cute and well-behaved (minus a few things dropped on the floor). My kid's got a great sense of humor and, except when she is teething, is so much FUN to be around. And later on today I went to this clothing swap a big group of working moms from the YWCA had, and even though I only brought a few things to swap, I left with TONS of clothes for the next 2 years plus a couple toys. Since I went right at the end, and everything left over was to be donated to charity, I didn't feel bad scooping up everything I did. Good clothes, great price.

Lots of random thoughts

Went up from 1600yds last week to 2150 last night. Big jump for me. Actually, 1600 wasn't too tough with the breaks I take, and I went to the pool twice on my own last week too. 2150 on my own will be hard, but I plan to go tomorrow afternoon and then again Monday or Sunday.

I got fitted for orthotics and they should be in in 2 weeks. The podiatrist said he fits about 5 people a day, 1-2 of whom have RA, but only 1-2 a YEAR are for the talo-navicular joint. He said it should help. I hope so because it ain't pretty right now. No running, walking with a limp most of the time. Lifted today and spin once a week now plus swimming so it's fine but I will be happy if I can get back to running, even if all I ever do again is a 5k I will take it. I know I will...I've been through this with the wrists EXACTLY. They were bad at first, and now for the last 2 years maybe they are FINE even with the structural damage. So it might be a little while, but eventually the ankle won't hurt anymore. And probably I'll go through this with the other ankle at some point. Weird that it's not now as RA is usually bilateral. But, not complaining.

Andra decided this week to start feeding herself. With her fingers AND with a fork. Ok, there's usually no food on the fork, but she gets it to her mouth just fine! Plus, she bit a kid at day care. We think the other kid stuck his finger in her mouth, so it wasn't exactly intentional, and apparently after he screamed, she screamed louder and longer. So, I think she was sorry and won't do it again!

My friend from school who's adopting a little girl from Haiti is on pins and needles. She got a picture of Aliette (10 months) exactly one week before the quake, expecting the process to take 1-2 years. Now, she could arrive on a cargo plane at any time. Last she heard the kids from her orphanage were waiting at the US embassy at 4am this morning to leave. They could fly in any time, to anywhere in the US. She is waiting for a phone call telling her something like, "Be in Kansas City at 5pm." I gave her my old car seat and our school resource officer (aka cop) pulled some strings to get it installed correctly today. I brought her some bottles and some warm clothes, pjs, a couple little toys...seriously, she did not exepct to become an instant mom to a baby! She is psyched but overwhelmed, and of course she has no idea what shape Aliette is in. Dehydrated, dirty, sick, etc. And not knowing and imagining what she's going through has to be awful. I just hope she gets out today and my friend can just get her in her arms. This is her second adoption (first from China) and wow, I'm glad I could get my kid the old fashioned way...the stress and emotional toll of adoption is not for the weak-hearted!

I must be hardcore too!

Tonight was the first masters swim. It was fun! And I convinced myself that I belonged in the Wednesday group! Not because I'm fast...hardly. Not because I have endurance (I chose the shorter of the two workouts we could choose from)...hardly. But because last night around 3am I woke up nauseous, ended up having a few puking episodes the next couple hours, called in sick to work, slept in until 10, napped from 12-2...and still went to swimming!

I actually felt pretty fine by then. Tired, but honestly I will feel that way every night. Once I was done puking I tried really hard to get enough calories in me so I could make it. If there is a silver lining to puking (and other things), it's that my weight drops by a couple pounds overnight (I finally hit 145 this morning...yeah, I know it's not real) and I feel obliged to eat as much as I can once I'm better. Not that I wanted to eat anything today...but it's still different to say to myself, You must eat! instead of, Stop eating!

So apparently my swimming stroke is ALL WRONG. Near as I can tell, my stroke is like a windmill. Frankly, I LIKE my stroke. The whole point of my doing this masters program is to STOP feeling like I'm going to drown. Yet, what the coach had us doing made me feel...well, like I was going to drown. He assured me I wouldn't, and, ok, I didn't, but...seriously? I guess we still have to work on my kick and my breathing, and apparently once all the pieces are there I will be a better swimmer who won't freak out in open water swims. But this is going to take work.

Progress

Loved the new ankle guy. Didn't hurt that he was cute and said, "Have we met before? You seem familiar," and totally GOT that I am a runner. He looked at the xrays I brought from September, and said the report was wrong. The report said the left ankle was normal, no damage. He said, not so. The ankle joint actually is ok, but the talonavicular joint has joint space narrowing (sign of RA) and a small erosion.

OK, hands up, who knew you even had a talonavicular joint?? But so cool, click here to see ALL your ankle joints in motion!

He was irritated that it had initally been read wrong, and said he might write the radiologist a note...I said, "Please, do it!" That's not the kind of thing I want misdiagnosed. And, yet, the first ankle guy I saw didn't mention it either. Hmm. But I trust this guy more. And he explained all kinds of things to me and answered all my questions, so I didn't even really mind that my 3:15 appointment didn't start unil 4:00. He did mention at the end that it was possible this was NOT an RA issue, but it is. I tried to explain that I couldn't explain, but I just knew. Then in my research tonight I found this that says it's actually a common joint affected by RA. I feel like my knowledge of my foot expanded about 100% today.

The talonavicular joint is what moves the ankle side to side. My up and down range of motion is pretty ok, but side to side I have little, it's very very stiff. Not a big deal for running and cycling, luckily! He didn't bat an eye when I said I've run a few marathons and am very active, whereas most doctors will sort of imply that I should give it up if it hurts. He didn't. He had a plan to try to accommodate me.

Anyway, here's what he said. He said if I really want the cortisone injection, he will do it...once. It's a tricky place to do it, and there are tendons and things in the way, but he respected my wish to try it and see. But he suggested first that I see the podiatrist in their group for orthotics that can actually take the pressure off and stabilize that joint. So I'm going back next Wednesday for that, and we'll see. Nice to know I can have the shot as back up. And as an extreme back up, that joint can be fused, meaning I would lose all side to side range of motion but shouldn't ultimately affect running. Not that I see doing that in the next 10 years, but I feel much better having all my options laid out and being told that it's my decision.

Cold run

After bailing out on the 9am run since only Sarita was going to join me (and she was easily pacified by the text, "Breakfast instead?"), and finding out that Jen's friend Nicole actually showed up expecting us to be there (I didn't know!), I did actually go running outside. I did about 2 miles on my own before meeting Sarita to run/walk another 2. It felt great. Better than the treadmill as I had no sense of my pace and it was nice to be out in the bitter cold. (The weather guy saying there was a wind chill of -7 in a nearby town was what turned me off this morning.) Seriously. My ankle was fine at first, definitely stiffens up after a mile or 2. Hope the doctor tomorrow will just give me the freaking cortisone shot. Even if not I'm hopeful I can get consistent with 2-3 miles a couple times a week. If the ankle hurts while running I won't do more than that. But I think I can do that.

2-3 miles used to not even be worth it.

He put me in the Wednesday group...

...with the fast people. I guess I was right on the border.

This is good...this is good....this is good....

I loved Jessica's comment on the last post: " For me, it kept getting even more fun every session because for a good loooooong time I had nothing to do but improve."

This apparently will be my new attitude.

Swimming and One More Try...

First Master's Swim was tonight. Super nervous but then it was of course fun. Tonight was just short, we swam a 100 (1:48) and a 200 (4:11) (thanks Michelle for clarifying!!) so the coach could see which group we belonged in (Tuesday nights are beginners like me, Weds are the hard cores).

And I made an appointment with a new ankle guy to get the cortisone shot. I need to push this and get one before I resign myself to not running for a while. So Monday afternoon...we'll see. I didn't push with the other guy because it wasn't this bad. And I don't want to go back to that guy because he doesn't take my insurance and I don't want to pay $125 to be told no again. So this will cost $20 and hopefully he'll just do it. There's no downside to trying, worst is it won't work.

Worst RA flare ever

So New Year's Eve sucked big time. My neck has been "affected" by the RA for a few months now (and years ago too, though it went away then). Maybe around 5 or 6 New Year's Eve I noticed it was feeling stiffer. I had up til then had a great day, and I even ran an easy 3.1 miles on the treadmill (bringing my weekly total to 5.1, the biggest I've had all month). By the time I put Andra to bed, it was obvious I was having a flare. I don't remember exactly, but I started popping my prednisone pills around that time hoping to head it off. Nope. By 8:30 or 9 I was pretty much in agony. The 30mg of prednisone (that's 6 of my 5mg pills...lately I've been taking 5mg a day, so that's a big increase) plus the naprosyn and Tylenol didn't seem to do anything. I don't think I can do justice to how this felt. I've had pinched nerves, I've been to the chiropractor for "regular" neck pain. I can't describe it, but I will try.

First, I had zero range of motion in my neck. Not side to side, not up and down, NOTHING. There was absolutely no position that offered any remote comfort - not sitting up, lying down, resting my head on something, NOTHING. When I finally went to bed (9:30, for the record) I didn't fall asleep for hours. I honestly don't even know how I managed to out on my pajamas or brush my teeth other than sheer will. The worst part was actually lying down. Turns out, anything you do when you move involves your neck. Not something we would ordinarily think about. Until everytime you try to move, you want to scream in pain. The act of lying down...I could sit on the bed, but the lying down part took a few tries. Seriously. I would start to lie down, and it hurt too much. To lie down, you have to control your head. You have to contract your neck muscles to support the weight of you head. I couldn't do it. Eventually I think I put my hands on my head and one hand grabbed a chunk of hair and the other was behind my neck, and I did it. But then, it's not like I was comfortable, or done. And to turn over, to adjust the pillow, ANYTHING, was agony. At one point I told my husband that if I didn't feel better in an hour we were going to the ER because I needed narcotic pain relief. Remember that I gave birth with no epidural, no pain meds. I won't say this was quite that bad, but it was close, and it lasted longer. I did have to get up to pee and get more meds once (it was 11:59 believe it or not. I didn't care.). But that meant I had to figure out the whole lying down thing again. My husband brought up some Vicodin that he's had from a while back and I took one. Around 4:30 am I woke up and felt better, though still today it's not quite back to normal.

I've had other flares, but not for a long time. A couple years. And then, it was "just" my wrists, or ankles, or random fingers. I could splint my wrists so that they wouldn't move. The ankle, well, that was trickier. Your neck...it affects everything. So whether this was a worse flare or just a worse location I can't say. But I hopr it never ever happens again.

So, New Year's Eve pretty much blew for me. I have enough prednisone to get through til Monday, and will see what my doctor says.

You know, I was doing really well getting back into working out this week, too. Spinning twice, running and lifting, running again. Not like I was overdoing anything. There's no reason for this flare, other than it's been building. Don't know what it means. Is Enbrel stopping working for me? In general I wouldn't mind if I went on another biologic, but Enbrel was fine during pregnancy and I don't know what I'd do when we're ready for another kid. Maybe I just need to be back on a higher maintenance does of prednisone, but that isn't exactly what I want either.

For as much as I named this blog "Muscles and RA," the RA has taken a big backseat til lately. For the next while I'm afraid it's going to make itself known.

Happy New Year

2009. Quite the year. Andra's first full calendar year.

In Lil Runner's style, here's my recap:

Biggest Surprise: nursing as long as I did. (Andra's adenoids, and the fact that she could not breathe and nurse, made me quit at 7 months, and that was fine.)

Biggest Accomplishment: I PR'd in a 5k in May. Not that I am even close to that now, but I am proud that I took on that challenge and followed through.

Biggest Disappointment: that I never managed to really want to run longer than an hour. I did a handful of 7+ mile runs, but without enthusiasm.

Biggest Challenge: going back to work. It's not a big deal now that she's old enough to play and interact and I can see that she likes daycare, and I like working (teacher hours!), but it was very hard when Andra was still little.

Biggest Transformation: Andra without her hemangioma.

Biggest Lesson: chill out. I stressed about things that in retrospect I shouldn't have: my weight (once I quit nursing it was back to normal), Andra (kid adapts just fine), guilt about daycare and fitting everything in. Eh...it all works out.

Things I'm proud of from 2009: Figuring out a good balance of work/workout, even if it's not the same as before. 5k PR, plus a 4 mile PR (I wanted 3 PRs this year, 2 is good). Having such an easy going, laid back kid (not sure how much credit I can take for that one, but...).

Things I am planning for 2010: Master's swim (starts next week...gulp). Riding the trainer regularly this winter and spring. Half marathon (maybe spring, maybe fall, slow is fine as long as I get back to doing long runs). Olympic distance triathlon (assuming I learn to like swimming a little more). More cycling this summer, alone if need be but I will try to find other people. In general, trying to find more people to hang out with...other moms to run/walk with (my friend Jessica and her baby are moving back to Chicago in March, big bummer), people to train with. Reading more.

We're staying in tonight and cooking filet mignon and cheese fondue for 2, plus margaritas (yeah, I love those).

RA and Pregnancy

A couple links to the OTIS study I was a part of. The first has information about pregnancy and a bunch of common RA drugs. Somehow I did not see this before becoming pregnant, even though it was a 2006 publication AND I knew about the OTIS study. The second link is to the preliminary results of the Enbrel and pregnancy study that I was a part of. Just in case anyone reading has RA and is in the market for a kid!

http://www.otispregnancy.org/pdf/Chambers.RA.rvw.2006.pdf

http://www.otispregnancy.org/hm/inside.php?sid=7&id=40

I had 3 new commenters after my last post. It's fun that people find and read the blog, you know? I have been pretty bad with commenting on blogs lately...I have to clean up my bookmarks to get rid of the blogs I don't really like anymore (no one who comments here!) and make room for some new ones. It's exhausting!

So although I haven't been running, I have been on the trainer and spinning, and figuring out an NSAID routine to keep the ankle pain at bay. Probably not quite enough to run yet...there's clearly something going on in there...but Fred and I did take a good 45 minute walk yesterday (with one sprint up a hill, he likes to think he can beat me when I'm down...though in his defense he was pushing the BOB) and it was good til the very end. But I'm getting into the trainer thing mentally, and it sure is convenient having it right in the basement and all. (And, yes, I finally cleaned up the cat puke from Thanksgiving that was down there...though it needs more work than just that to become a pleasant place to hang out.)

Andra has healed up beautifully, as you can see below. I did something perhaps not perfectly kosher though. One tiny stitch had been inadvertantly left in when the rest were removed, and today at the pediatrician's for Andra's 1-year shots (we held off til after the surgery), the doctor said she could "probably" take it out for us, but she wanted "permission" from the surgeon. I did call the office (still waiting for a reply), but during a diaper change I took a pair of tweezers, nail clippers, and in one quick snip got it out without a flinch or a wiggle from Andi. No problem. (This was after much Googling about stitches and how you really could take them out yourself.) Now I have to buy Mederma for Kids so I don't have any lasting guilt if she has even the tiniest bit of evidence left over from my handiwork.

My mom knit this sweater for Iris and it was one of MANY recent hand-me-downs. So cute! Click on the picture if you want the huge version to see the scar/healing.

Still not running

I keep testing out running. I did 2 miles last week (including half a mile barefoot, just to see)** , 2 tonight. It's not fun. Not only have I lost fitness in the last month, but my ankle hurts. No way around it. The sucky thing is, some times during the day it feels fine, like I could run no problem. But it's hit or miss, and everytime I've gone to run, it's been miss.

I went to spin class Saturday, that was good. I rode the bike on the trainer Sunday, that was good. I am starting this masters swim in 2 weeks, that is good. I can still lift just fine, I just haven't been (but will start again, this has been admittedly a tough and crazy month). So there's no excuse to throw in the towel and not work out. But.

I. AM. A. RUNNER.

I can be a cyclist this summer, but until it warms up enough for my candy ass to get outside, I am missing running. And the thing is, even walking, I limp. So it's not like I can go for a walk instead. Which in my book would now completely count as a work out (and, has counted as such for a good year and a half).

It's fine sort of, in that I've never really had any injuries that have put me out. So maybe I'm due this. Yet, it's not an injury, and so that sucks. I assume it will be fine at some point, but who knows when. I will go back to the foot guy for an MRI and to try a cortisone shot if the prednisone I'm on now doesn't do anything. But of course, it's not a flare, it just IS, so the prednisone really ISN'T doing anything. Though it is helping my neck, so maybe it is a flare. I don't know.

**So about the running barefoot, I've been curious. Wendy has RA and runs a LOT barefoot, and says it has helped despite having foot issues. I did half a mile, which is actually longer than recommeded for starting out, as it takes time for the body to adjust. The thing is, my first mile with shoes sucked so much that I was just frustrated, so even though running barefoot didn't necessarily feel good, it did feel a little better, plus I had no expectations for it to feel good so it helped me not want to punch something. I'd give it a more serious try if running at all becomes more feasible.

Phew...Hemangioma Surgery Report

Before and After:




Thank God that's over. The quick version, because I have tons of emails from my students to answer about a lab that's due because I wasn't in school today or yesterday.

We were scheduled for a 10:30 surgery, so we got Andra up before 7 so she could have some apple juice (no solids, no milk after 4am, and we weren't about to wake her up then, so she hadn't eaten since dinner/milk Tuesday night). Drove into the city (about an hour), got to Beth Israel hospital around 8:30 (an hour early, but with traffic around here you never know), and had time for a bagel and coffee (felt badly that Andra couldn't eat but she didn't seem to care). There was another couple with one of their 9 month old twin girls there for a hemangioma on her arm (her twin had had about 7 removed 2 months earlier and the parents couldn't say enough about Dr. Waner and the results). They finally went in around 9:30, we finally went in around noon. Andra was a champ, didn't protest the no eating, no drinking thing at all.

I braved up and asked about the possibility of Dr. Waner looking at Andra's adenoids too. We knew they were enlarged, making it hard for her to breather through her nose (and hence smell, taste) and causing her chronic runny nose, and we were pretty sure they'd have to come out at some point, so even though I felt awkward asking, I knew Dr. Waner was in fact an ENT and so I did. He was so nice about it, saying of course he'd take a look and if they looked bad he'd take them out. So I was happy because I trusted his opinion.

Fred wanted to be the one to go with her while they gassed her to sleep, so my last view of her was a smiley baby pointing at the doctor's nose (the girl likes noses). Fred came back a little shaken up, but it was only about 30 seconds that she was crying.

We got an update around 1:30 from one of the other doctors, who said the hemangioma was a piece of cake (AND he took a picture of it for me...gross but cool) and that the adenoids did in fact need to come out. So out they came! Nice, because it means we avoid another surgery (and the agony of making the decision of when, and if, and whether...) and kill two birds with one stone. Down side is, recovery is worse. With just the H, we would've been out and home a couple hours later (we saw the other baby walking out soon after they took Andra up). In this case, they hemmed and hawed and decided to keep her overnight because her breathing was labored due to airway swelling from the adenoids and being intubated. Guess it's typical for under-3's and adenoidectomies, but since this was a bit unexpected, we were of course unprepared. No big deal. Recovery was rough...she was so disoriented and I swear she cried more in 10 hours after than in the whole previous 12 months combined. Seriously, the girl is not a crier so it was rough to hear. I almost lost it twice, but really that wasn't an option. She vomited ALL OVER me once (I saw it coming and just waited...what could I do? And did I mention, I didn't have a change of clothes?) and did NOT want to be put down. She slept a good chunk of the night on my chest, and when I did manage to transfer to her crib without pulling out any of the 5 things attached to various parts of her body, I got about 30 minutes of poor sleep before someone would come in and do something. Seriously, I was not impressed by the PICU nurses.

When they woke us up at 5:40am (seriously?), Andra was happy, pointing, bouncing, and we had a good day. She was exhausted and went to bed around 5:30 tonight, has woken once already but hopefully will sleep a good chunk of the night so I can catch up so I can go to work tomorrow (Fred and my dad are staying with her).



The two pictures above I got with my phone, the first still in the hospital and the second tonight at home. She needs to have the drainage tube removed tomorrow (hopefully) and stitches will come out in a week, and soon enough Dr. Waner says she'll have no noticeable scar at all. And her baby facelifted eyebrows will settle down in 6-8 weeks, they had to stretch the skin a bit to close.

Birthday Pictures

Masters Swim???

Found out yesterday about a Masters swim program that runs for 10 weeks, is designed for triathletes, has one day for experienced swimmers and one day for people like me, and...meets from 8:30-10 at night once a week. Meaning, I could go. Registration is TODAY. I think I am skipping my short run to go sign up before taking Andra to the pediatrician for her 1 year appointment and clearance for Wednesday's surgery.

I can do this, right????

(UPDATE: I called to register. I DID IT. I paid money. So now I have to go, right?? Starts in January! Oh, and I guess now I could still run. I have tons of nervous energy though! But it's good...I only regret things I don't do, not things I DO.)

Gifts that feel good

I've been searching for a gift for my uncle. He's coming for Christmas, along with my parents and aunt, and my brother, sister-in-law and niece. My uncle is single, rich, opinionated, needs nothing and has everything. Kind of the typical crotchety old man, except funny and we like him. So far I have gotten him a mousepad with a picture of him and Andra (or, "Sandy" as he calls her...he figured when he got the email a year ago saying she was born, that Andra must have been a typo). I've decided that from now on, I'm just going to find a neat charity-type thing and send a gift in his name instead. So in addition to the mousepad, this year he's going to buy okra seeds for some woman in a war-torn country.

In my search for a unique way to help, I came across this site. You buy a gift card, and the recipient "spends" it by donating to a charity of their choice. What a perfect gift for a kid!! We were lucky and Andra didn't get much in the way of presents this year, but even so, the house is getting overrun (it kind of looks like a kid lives here now...we were trying to avoid that, we have a small house!). But seriously, what better way to teach kids to give. Well, probably there are better ways, but this is good AND EASY. And even for grown-ups...we all MEAN to give to charity, but honestly, I rarely get around to it most of the time.

Happy Birthday Andra!

She's officially 1.

We had a great little party with a super cute cake my husband made and decorated (a hidden talent). Just family, very low key and fun. Andra played with the frosting on her little cake, but the girl does NOT get the concept of feeding herself, so we helped her out a little so she could taste it. At least I didn't have to worry about a hyped-up-on-sugar baby come bedtime.

She also learned to climb stairs today. Following cousin Iris was good motivation. And, even though we haven't opened all the presents, my favorite is the one from Iris - one of her old toys that Andra played with last time we were in the city visiting. Seriously, presents are silly for a 1 year old, but recycled presents are genius! I don't have to feel guilty that someone spent more money on a toy for my kid than I would (we only buy from consignment shops or tag sales) AND Andra gets a "new" toy.

The pictures are all on my husband's fancy schmancy camera so I can't post any here but hopefully he will put them online soon so I can post them.

I love margaritas.

Just went out and had a couple drinks with two friends (Sarita, you know who you are). Super fun (obviously I never get to go out anymore), and they happen to be people who work out, so of course some of the talk got on to that topic. Point being, I'm glad I took my week break, and I'll probably take two more (just let me get through Andra's surgery) BUT THEN I AM READY! I am ready to run in 30 degree weather. I am ready to build up to 13 miles for a long run.

It's amazing what a few days off and a couple margaritas will do for my attitude.

On a completely unrelated topic...

I just spent a whole free period figuring out a lecture on the history of plate tectonics. And it was FUN. Too bad I just finished that unit...I kind of winged it...but I'll be so ready for next year!

RA ankle

I'm giving myself a week with no forced workouts. I still WANT to go to the two classes I go to, I might WANT to go and lift another time. But even though I have last period free today and COULD make myself run, I am not going to. December is relax month. Then I hope my motivation will be back in January to step it up for a spring half (maybe in DC!).

My other reason for taking it easy, besides mental, is my ankle. I just made an appointment for next week to talk to my rheumatologist. This is so annoying! My RA is NOT flaring. It's just that my ankle is stiff and painful. Even walking. Not BAD bad, just ANNOYING. Normally you don't think about your ankles when you walk. I do now, and really, who needs that? My neck at the base of my skull is also bothering me and I think it's the RA too. I like my doctor and hopefully he will have some suggestions...change or increase medications, insist on a cortisone shot in the ankle, orthotics, physical therapy, prednisone (even though it's not a flare)...who knows. I don't think backing off on running will help or hurt, it's just that running (and walking) are uncomfortable now so I don't want to do them. And then there's the guilt for not wanting to, the fear that I'll lose what little running fitness I have retained, etc. But there's nothing to DO about it, I just have to figure out the best way to make the best of it. I'm confident everything will clear up (my wrists the last year or two have been so much better than 5 or 6 years ago) but I can't know when. The unpredictability of the disease always throws me for a loop. But since I also need a mental break, I will take all this for what it's worth and just give myself a few weeks to chill out. And hopefully not eat too much chocolate. And peanut butter.

C goal

Thank goodness for attainable C goals. At one point I thought if I trained I might be able to pull off an 8:08 pace for a 40:40 5 mile turkey trot finish (A goal). Clearly I was delusional, both about my commitment to training and about my willingness to push. Throw in the fact the the entire race was spent dodging and weaving around slower people and plenty who stopped to walk, and any hope of a "race" was doomed. But I was pleased just to run. Seriously, I thought I placed myself well in the mass start...looked like a few hundred people in front of me (3800 finishers in this race), and I could tell plenty of those people clearly belonged in the back. I felt a little badly because I knew I also should have been farther back, but what do you do in this kind of race where there are so many non-runners who place themselves right at the front despite the fact they will get in everyone's way? So I thought I made a good compromise. Anyway, when the gun went off, it took me a full minute and a half to cross the start line. There were probably a thousand people in front of me, from the looks of it. The first mile was 9:09, which surprised me as it felt much slower with no elbow room and all the weaving. Second mile was my best, 8:41, but by then I realized that not only was I not into going faster, it would've been tough even if I had been. Seriously, the race did not thin out at all along the entire course. 8:55 for mile 3, 9:03 for mile 4, and 8:52 for mile 5 just to make sure I hit that C goal of under 45 minutes. 44:41 chip time, which is an 8:56 pace. I got what I paid for...I didn't put in the training to do better, and I'm ok with that. It wasn't the most pleasant race ever, I did feel like I was working a bit. Weirdly, my body felt heavy and stiff while my lungs and breathing weren't labored at all. I wish I had been wearing a heart rate monitor, I need to find mine! Haven't used it since being pregnant...not sure why. Anyway, I think I haven't been doing enough road running and treadmill running is (obviously) easier (especially when I refuse to add incline to make up for that). So, I'm going to relax a bit until January and hope at that point I have the motivation to get ready for a half. I honestly don't think I'm going to worry about doing a FAST half (which for me would be near my 1:53 PR, even under 2 would be fast), just under a 10 minute pace. I don't need the pressure of a time goal, I need the desire and motivation to just have fun with it.

Two weeks til Pickle's birthday. Two weeks and two days til her surgery. Found out I have to take her for bloodwork late next week and the pediatrician said it would be traumatizing. I guess they take the blood from the arm just like adults, and I can only imagine that strapping her arm (or her?) down will NOT be fun. Truthfully, I'm more stressed out about this than tha actual surgery.

Maintenance Miles

I'm still not training for anything (other than this Thursday's 5 mile Turkey Trot, and "training" was a loose word) but I need be more consistent. With the time change and it being dark before 4:30 (with another month of shortening days yet) I've had a tough time working out more than 4 days a week. Two days (Tuesday and Saturday) are classes at the gym, so they're easy not to miss. Once a week I'm pretty good at working out during lunch, and usually I can manage once right after school. Sometimes a walk = a workout.

I keep toying with the idea of walking up early to work out after school, and even set my alarm this morning, but now, without a training plan or goal, I am kidding myself if I think it's going to happen. (It didn't, this morning.) So I'm going to try to get back to 5 days a week. I need to get in more running days (3-4) and make then short...hence the Maintenance Miles. I went today at lunch and told myself "Just 30 minutes." Easy, quick way to get in 3.5 miles or so. No excuses not to do that twice a week at school, one longer day outside, and...gulp...the Sunday long runs need to happen once I commit to a half in the spring.

I think January will see me getting out on Sundays again. Before then...not so sure. This weekend I found out a couple friends want to do a half too...and theoretically say they will get together Sundays, or even every other Sunday, to do long runs together. One I believe, the others, I am not so sure. One is my speed, the others a bit slower, but I DON'T CARE. If they will show up, I will run with them. Because I don't have the drive to do it myself. Especially not in winter!

We're moving...

Crawling, that is. Andra started a couple weeks ago and right now is the first time she's crawled away to go explore on her own. Naturally, she went into the cat's room (the sun room). She is happily playing with the catnip toys as Pokey watches safely out of reach on the couch.

I was moving too...ran at lunch today. I almost couldn't, when I got to the fitness center there was a gym class about to go in, but when I asked the teacher if I had any chance of getting one, she kept the class outside until I changed and ran in to claim one! I didn't even stop to pee for fear of not getting the treadmill so that kind of sucked, but beat not running at all since I actually had the motivation today. All the kids would have done is walk, and there are tons of stationary bikes for them to pretend to work out on, and only 3 treadmills. So I was happy!

We're going to see the Michael Jackson movie tonight, and then out for a quick bite to eat. This is the first time someone other than Fred or me will put Andra to bed. She will be fine and it's time, but I will worry! The babysitter is a former student, now a senior and she's taking AP child development (who knew there was such an AP course) so she's well qualified!

(update...of course they had a fabulous time, as did we!)

Hemangioma musings...

Just a little fall picture. This shows how big her hemangioma is. I really don't even notice it anymore, but every now and then I'm like, wow, that's big! I try to see, when we're out, if I notice people looking at her. They do. But then, when I put a hat on her and the H is covered up, they also look (presumably because she's JUST THAT CUTE). So since people look regardless, it's become no big deal. Except when kids say something. Now kids are kids, but man can they be tactless. So, I am glad we are having it removed. Except I really do think she's going to look...different. Sigh.

Pleasant...

Had a pleasant run yesterday after school in great warm temps. Ran from school, almost 5 miles of a route I ran once or twice in the spring. It's nice to be at the point where, when I remember good runs from the past, not all of those runs are from pre-baby days! I ran a little under a 9 min/mi pace, felt great. Ankle was bad Saturday (bad enough that I opted out of some of the jumping stuff in boot camp) but a little extra naproxen and it has been fine since. Go figure.

So I don't do long runs anymore. Everything I run is 4-6 miles. Which is fine since I'm not training for anything, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do them again if I want to do a spring half.

Ankle again

Andra's back in full swing...happy again (we had a fussy couple of days, highly unusual), crawling like a champ, and getting much better at standing without falling over (for a couple seconds at least!). We just found out the insurance company WILL pay for her hemangioma surgery (well, 80% of it since the doctor is out of network) which is now scheduled for December 16, 4 days after her birthday. I bought her a strawberry hair clip off of etsy for post-surgery, because I think she will look really different without the hemangioma and it will take me some time to get used to her without a big red thing on her head! So the clip will be a transition object for me!

My ankle has been a pain in the ass lately. For the past 3 weeks or so it's been bothersome. Not enough to stop my running of course. But it does hurt. It's similar to one of the many ways my wrists have felt, so it's not really freaking me out, more like grossing me out. Yesterday I managed the usual 5.5 mile loop just fine, but a number of times, my ankle would randomly crunch. It was not painful, just that creepy crepitus where it sounds and feels like bones and junk crunching around in there. Icky. I have two things to do as I wait this phase of the RA out...one, I need to talk to my rheumatologist again about if I should push for the cortisone injection, and two, talk to my friend who is a massage therapist and set up a few short sessions where she will work on all the tendons and things in my left leg. She did this for my wrists/arms once and it was really amazing. And possibly after the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving I might try a couple weeks without running and see if it helps? I don't think it will though. This isn't an injury that will heal. It's a degenerative condition, and so my thought is to use it while I can! Which I anticipate being a LONG time, but still...

Does anyone else compose really eloquent, interesting blog posts in their heads while out running, and then when the time comes to actually write, it's all gone? Sigh...