The Half

In a previous post I mentioned that I don't like seeing a race pace with a 9 in front of my mile times. Never mind...yesterday's Fairfield Half saw me walking up ALL the steep hills (there are SO many) and my chip time put me at a speedy 11:00 per mile pace! If I'd realized, and hadn't had to stop and pee (but only once!), I would have squeaked out a 10:59. Oh well. A far cry from my half PR last fall with an 8:42 pace...of course, on the Fairfield course I've never even broken 2 hours, so I at least should compare apples to apples. At any rate, I felt good after, not nauseous and pukey like last year, and I'm not even sore today. It was nice to take it easier, not have any mental pressure of "Go faster!" but rather find me telling myself "Slow down!" I did squeak out a few consecutive sub-10 minute miles in some of the middle, flatter stretches of the race. Later talking to a friend whose sister is a gynecologist, and complaining that I feel like I shouldn't be slower or feel so much going on around my uterus because I'm not showing, she said her sister told her that even when a pregnant woman isn't showing, she does move differently. That made me feel better...because it's true for me. There are all these ligaments I never knew about before, that I can feel now, when walking or running, and it's just....different.

I'm posting a picture I took this morning so I can keep a little bit of track of when and how my belly changes. So far, not much. This is 14 weeks. In the morning. By afternoon, I definitely look fat (not pregnant).

Six months vs Nine

So I was thinking yesterday that if I'd known going into pregnancy that the first 3 months would be easy, that I wouldn't be showing or gaining any weight, that I'd still be working out and running (slower, but still running) and cycling and lifting, that a lot of the fears wouldn't have been there. Nine months sounds like a long time to put your life on hold, however good the reasons for it may be. Six months (or, dare I hope for 5? 4?), that's doable. At almost 14 weeks, today I went on a 37 mile bike ride and Sunday I'm going to do a half marathon. And I just feel...normal. Good.

This video is inspiring (at least to a pregnant girl afraid of becoming too fat):

I'm gonna "run" the half...

So the weather for Sunday's Fairfield Half Marathon looks cool (60s and 70s), not hot and humid like the last 2 years. So I'm going for it. Friday I ran 11 miles..sort of. I had planned to run almost 7, a favorite route in North Stamford and New Canaan I haven't run in a LONG time. After about 4 miles is an elementary school where in the summer I used to stop and pee and get a drink (both more important than ever now!). Well, it's not summer, and with school still in session the school was all locked up against intruders. So no pee, no drink, and I just walked the last 3 miles. Later that night I met a friend to run a 4.5 mile loop. It was great, she's a little slower so I ran slower (which felt good) but she pushed a little, and we walked the last mile too. Then today I ran into another teacher who has run it before, and she said she and her boyfriend were going to run just for fun...run when they felt like it, walk when they felt like it. I'll start out with them, maybe stay with them, maybe do my plan of walk for a minute at every mile marker. I've wanted to try that strategy before, but always felt like it would slow me down (despite evidence to the contrary). So why not now, when my only goal is to finish and feel good at the end?

I'm still probably two months away from needing maternity clothes, but maternity running/workout clothes are so scarce. I don't understand why the big companies don't make them...how can there NOT be a market?

Still normal

I was spinning yesterday and in class was a woman who used to go to the boot camp class I take. When I asked where she'd been, she said she was pregnant. "Me too!" I said (I forgot the "Congratulations" part til later), and she said "And you still go to THAT class?" Well, yeah. She's older, a month further along, with her second, and I guess her doctor told her no jumping. Hmmm. Well, maybe there are reasons for her, but I'm jumping away until it doesn't feel good anymore.

With a week or so to go until the official end of the first trimester, I've been pleasantly surprised at how normal things seem. Normal in that I don't feel or look "pregnant." I think we (or at least I) have always been fed the messages like "Pregnant women get fat," "Pregnant women get nauseous," "Pregnant women shouldn't lift heavy things," and basically "Your life is over, accept it." I suppose, not having any real frame of reference, I bought into that. And yet, when I really stop and think about the pregnant women I have known, the nausea wasn't an issue for many, those who started out thin stayed thin, those who started out fat stayed fat, and there are plenty of pregnant women lifting and running. Like anything, I guess it is what you make it. I wish I hadn't been so worried, and I wish I wasn't currently so worried about what's still to come. It's just the unknown and the not being totally in control that I don't like. And I guess you just live in your reality and accept it.

I should have more faith in myself. It's very rare that I've ever been unhappy with anything in my life, and when I have been, I've found a way to change it or make it better. And I really am excited to see the kid...

The kid...12 weeks

I'm realizing that everyone I know who's pregnant is having a girl, and so I'll probably have a boy. We won't know for another 2 months probably. That's a little bit annoying...

Went on a nice 19 mile bike ride with Eric and Fred yesterday, and a 5.5 mile run today with Fred. Feel good. Beautiful weather, can't wait for the next 9 days of school to be OVER WITH so summer can begin!

Unbalanced

So this has apparently changed from an RA and fitness blog to a pregnancy and fitness blog. Obviously because I'm pregnant, but not so obviously because the RA has been fine lately. I guess it's not uncommon for it to clear up during pregnancy, and I hadn't been thinking too much about it (other than a little anxiety about going off the prednisone, which was uneventful) but everything's been fine.

So at 9 1/2 weeks, I haven't gained any weight yet, my boobs haven't gotten bigger (thank god) yet, but I am feeling fat in the belly (not showing, way too early for that, just fat). And slow. My heart rate while running doesn't seem much higher most days (sometimes it seems to, sometimes not) but the perceived effort is greater. And that makes me wonder if I'm just being a wimp and not pushing enough (but I"m too lazy to really care). Today I wanted to do 6 miles, but it's been cold (60s is cold at the end of May) and so I went to the Y immediately after school (if I'd gone home I would have napped and never gotten up). I just never got into it. I kind of got into it when I ran a little faster (I think that was a 9 minute pace...that used to be my warm up pace), so I did a couple longer intervals (even a half mile a an 8 min pace, woo-hoo) but walked after all of them. I'm sure I'll have good days again...I'm sure once it warms up and I start running outside again (I still can't believe I trained for that marathon outside in February and March when it was 20 degrees, now I won't run outside when it's 60 degrees) I'll have more fun. Maybe I'm just a little burned out. I've been trying to focus more on lifting and core work, which is fun. But then I worry that I'm not doing enough cardio. I need to mentally get in balance here.

Mothers' Day 10k

Ran the Norwalk Mothers' Day 10k this morning, the 3rd year in a row. And the slowest! But still held an 8:59 pace, I hope...I don't like seeing 9's any more (never mind the 10 for the marathon).

Ankle acting up a bit as I taper off the prednisone for the kid, but shouldn't get too bad. Also went to boot camp yesterday for the first time in a while, and survived but boy am I sore today. I don't even know how certain body parts (my upper back for instance) get sore, as I can't remember doing anything other than cardio and squats, but that's why I love the class: it just works everything.

I often wear a heartrate monitor now when I work out, but I don't actually know why. It's not like I slow down or stop if it the number gets too high, I slow down or stop if I feel like I need to. Which makes more sense to me than an arbitrary number, especially as there doesn't exist a magic number everyone is supposed to stay below. My body naturally is slowing down...the 8:59 pace today was hard, whereas last year an 8:08 pace was hard. My heartrate, or at least my perceived exertion, was fairly similar. It just doesn't make sense to me to slow down on purpose simply because I'm pregnant. If it feels good, it IS good.

One weird, weird thing I've noticed in these last 3 weeks since I found out...my weight has been eerily constant. Usually it fluctuates by a few pounds one way or another on any given day. The last 3 weeks, every day, I have been within 0.8 pounds of every other day. And it's a lower number than it's been recently, too. Despite my constant hunger and my giving in to said hunger. Kinda cool, though most people don't gain in the first trimester anyway. Obviously I'll gain once the kid starts to grow for real (we're still around 1.5 cm, raspberry-like, according to last Thursday's ultrasound, with a heartrate of 146 bpm), but maybe this means it'll be mostly the kid gaining, not me. The doctor said given my height and weight and activity level I should shoot for 30-35 pounds. I'm shooting for 20-25. All baby and fluids, no extra fat (as much as that's possible).

Very weird. Because a lot of the time I still don't FEEL pregnant.

Heartbeat!

4:33. Not under 4, but I don't think that would've happened even without the kid tagging along. The first half was 2:02, just a bit over pace, and the weather couldn't have been more ideal, BUT, I knew under 4 wasn't going to happen at that point so I settled for under 4:44, making this still my 2nd fastest marathon. Close enough. I'm happy I ran it, I'm happy I am showing myself that pregnancy doesn't have to end this part of my life, I'm happy I'm setting a good example for myself.

Went to the doctor last Wednesday, he did an ultrasound and I saw a heartbeat! Super cool. It's just a little blob right now, but I go back Thursday with Fred and it might be slightly more visible.

Ran the last 3. No truck. Found out I really do go out too fast and need to watch it Saturday. Need to have a plan. Freaking out a bit, I think it's the taper that has me feeling like I've lost all my fitness and there's no way I can run 26.2 miles.

So I told Fred. His reaction was not unlike mine. Ok. Are you sure? Really? Ok. Really? Hmmm. Ok.

Got the ok from my doctor about running on Saturday. Also got some thumbs up from friends with kids who ran during their own pregnancies. I still feel normal. And this seems abnormal. But I can't complain. Ran Monday on the treadmill, did a few intervals, felt...normal. Maybe a bit apprehensive actually. Again, my mind is weaker than my body. Tomorrow is my last run (all of 3 miles...feels like nothing). As long as that truck doesn't come back to hit me again.

Surprise!

Ok, I'm writing this post knowing I can't actually post it for a little bit. Why? Well, yesterday (Saturday) I bit the bullet and bought a pregnancy test. All week I was kinda thinking maybe...I had an awesome run Tuesday, but Thursday felt like a truck had hit me. Again Saturday. I tried to chalk it up to the taper, thinking somehow the decreased mileage led to decreased energy, but that didn't explain a few other symptoms, so...I bought the test. Thanks to Melissa getting on my case (just kidding!) I peed on it Saturday, coincidentally right as Jen called to see if Fred and I wanted to go out to dinner with her and Matt (she will love knowing that when I tell her). I waited til I hung up to look, and, well, a definite plus. I sent Melissa a picture of it.

So I need to wait to tell anyone, including Fred (Melissa aside). I need to process. And umm, I have a marathon to run in 6 days! Now, I understand that maybe my under four hour goal isn't going to happen, and I'm fairly ok with that. But it might, and if the weather's not too hot and I feel good (ran today and didn't feel tired, so who knows), I won't NOT try. I'll just do what feels right, and stay open to the fact that I may mid-race decide I have to slow down (or stop). I trust myself. And it's already been established that my mind is MUCH weaker than my body so there's no chance of pushing myself too hard. But I don't want other people commenting on my choice. You know what? I'm 99% sure that the actual (I'm not being graphic here, promise) ovulation/fertilization took place the day I ran the 30k race on March 30. So this kid knows racing already.

So...this post will wait, though given that only about 7 people know about this blog (and I think only 2 read it), posting it here is still keeping it pretty secret. The real telling won't happen for a little longer. But if all goes well, this will be a Christmas baby. (Poor kid...I sense a lifetime of feeling very neglected on birthdays.)

PR's

Started to run an easy 4.5 mile loop I used to do often. Picked it up a bit when I realized I felt good. Picked it up more when I realized I could beat my best time. Beat it by a minute, for a 7:50 pace. Feels good to know I'm in the best running shape of my life.

Rode today, up Hill Street, a short but steep hill that used to scare the crap out of me. Today, I didn't need to stand up to climb it, and I wasn't even breathing tha hard at the end. Hmmm. Partly my cool new bike components, but must also be me. I like this.

"Who with rheumatoid arthritis DOES this?"

So I had to go to the rheumatologist today, just touch base and stuff. He still tries to tell me swimming is better than running, but I think maybe he believes me that I just feel BETTER when I run. I truly think the impact (which builds bones, especially, in a way swimming and even cycling can't) is good for my ankle, and I think weight lifting is good for my wrists. If it didn't feel right, like the best thing to do, I probably wouldn't do it, I would switch to swimming. But it feels right and I trust myself to know what I need (I trust him too, he's a good doctor, about things other than how I feel).

He asked how fast I was planning to run Nashville, and what average times were for runners. I told him, qualifying that breaking 4 hours is respectable but definitely not fast. Still, his response: "Who with rheumatoid arthritis DOES this?" Hey, use it or lose it. It's not really a choice. And like I told him, I may not be totally healthy, but I'm definitely NOT SICK. So why wouldn't I do this? It's like I told Dan at the gym after he told me my body fat percentage, and said it was average: I like to be above average in everything I do (or, actually, in the body fat case, below average, but same idea).

Last long run...check.

Did 20. No big deal. Not exactly fun, or fast, but DONE. Uneventful, and at this point that's just fine with me.

Passed a heavier guy out walking, fast, and I was thinking I was proud of him. Of anyone who sets a goal and works toward it. Fast or slow is irrelevant, dedicated is what wins. I sort of want to be less hard on myself. But I guess we're all harder on ourselves than we are on others. Stupid. But I did decide that I should do more triathlons. My big reason for not doing them is...surprise...the swim. Most people who don't do tris don't do it because of the swim. I shouldn't care how slow I am, or that I would be most comfortable (and least likely to drown) starting way at the back (and, so, finishing way at the back). I've signed up for one sprint in July, but am considering another plus an olympic (oh, yeah, and that Ironman some day in the future. Forgot about that one.).

One more.

Exhausted. No real reason. Slight fear in that my wrists are sore (probably from a ton of yard work I did today) and exhaustion usually precedes a flare. But could also just be anticipation of the 20 I must run alone tomorrow. Actually looking forward to it somehow. Did 10 Thursday, and even though it meant skipping Spanish class (couldn't get out of a meeting after school so it set me back an hour and a half), it was like oh, ok, gotta go run 10. No big deal. My first long run in this plan was 9, and that was a bit of a big deal at the time. When your long runs turn into your short runs, that means something. Felt good, fast, strong, confident, calm. Made me think tomorrow will be ok. Absolutely NO need to go fast (other than to get it over with), won't wear a watch. The worst part is getting started, deciding whether to set water out (I think I have to, the fuel belt is a necessary evil but won't be sufficient), and just...well, it's the whole showing up thing. The rest takes care of itself, but I have to show up. This is the last time, til the marathon.

A friend I'm getting to know better (through running, of course) has just committed to her first 5k in June. We've run together on the treadmill the last 2 Saturdays, and I've been impressed. She's just starting, but she's having fun pushing herself. I hope it sticks for her. Maybe it seems silly, but setting these goals for yourself (run for 25 minutes straight, get ass to gym 3 times a week, etc.) and accomplishing them is so satisfying. I haven't found anything besides fitness, and racing, that satisfies this need in me, this need to be disciplined and proud of myself and feeling like I am doing something to figure myself out.

Still waiting to hear if the HR guy will accept my appeal. If not, GO UNION! I've been told there's a precedent and I should get one day at least.

Is it worth it?

Irony. Today our HR guy denied my 2 personal days for the marathon. Unless I can get my principal to strong arm him (a possibility) or the union to fight it, it's going to cost me an extra $800 to run Nashville. The irony? 15 minutes after I got the deny slip in my mailbox, I had two of my students in my classroom waiting to interview me for their TV class about...my marathon running. Their timing couldn't have been better (or worse). It helps my case, but fuels my anger. Personal days are personal. He shouldn't even have known why I put in for them, other than he stopped me in the hall last week and, trusting idiot that I am, I told him.

In my classes on Mondays we have story time. There's nothing 14 year olds like more than talking about themselves, and they all get a chance to say what they did over the weekend on Monday mornings. It's done tremendous things for my class atmosphere, and my rapport with the kids. Sometimes I raise my own hand, and wait for a kid to ask ME what I did. Now that they know I'm training for another marathon, I don't even have to raise my hand...they ask. "How far did you run this time? Are you sore? I could never do that..." etc. And while they don't know my entire reasons for running, they know some, and like any good teacher, I get those life lessons in there. So it's doubly annoying that the fucker denied it.

At any rate, is it worth $800 to me to run it? Absolutely. And hey, since I still have my 3 personal days to take, now I get to choose 3 more days off (plus the countless sick days I've accumulated over 7 years), just because I can't let it go. I'll just make sure to take Wednesdays.

But, maybe something will come through. Once my pissed-off-edness wears off, I'll talk to the principal.

The man in the yellow tights beat me.

Showing up was the hardest part. I like getting up early, but only when I don't have to DO anything. Not that any of it was easy. But I did it. I paid attention; when my body said speed up, I did; when it said slow down (it said that a lot more), I did. Didn't wear a watch again...I like the freedom of not knowing my pace, just running what feels right. Uncomfortable, but maintainable. The fact that that is now around a 9 minute pace makes me happy. Did I tell the truth? Well, I will now: the entire race I was about 20 seconds behind an older guy in the ugliest yellow and black checked tights. I told myself I would catch him by the end, that I couldn't be beat by someone with such bad fashion sense. But, I did not beat him. In fact, he had more of a kick than I and probably beat me by a minute or so. The outcome? Not bad. 2:48:35, or a 9:03 pace (at 4 miles someone told me the time and I figured I had an 8:40 pace at that point, so I slowed down but not too much), official results up later. Granted the only hills on the course were 2 speed bumps. But actually the flat might hurt more. With hills, your legs get a break, a different motion, but your lungs get more of a challenge. So, Nashville will be close. Cautiously optimistic about breaking 4 hours, but there are just so many variables in a race. I will try, but I will be kind to myself if it's not going to happen...this time.

First, Show Up

30k race tomorrow. Kathy says I have to push the pace (I think that only means around 9 minute miles, and supposedly on a flat course). Can't think too much about it, the cold, the distance. Kind of overwhelming. Yet I've been doing this religiously for a few months, no questioning, don't think, just do.

Show up fully. Pay attention. Tell the truth. Let go of the outcome.

Not much these days feels better than a run. I mean, it's not exactly fun. But it's one of the only places and times I can think. It's just me, my music, and, if I'm on the treadmill, the blank TV screen in which I watch myself and sing along to the songs. It's a security blanket. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do that anymore. I can count on it. Not sure I totally identify with this but it makes sense. It's not a way to cure a bad mood, but it sure helps more than sitting around stewing. And the sense of discipline, well, that helps too.