Pictures of the baby I never want to grow up...

I've never been very sentimental but...I want Nora to stay tiny forever.

Plus a picture Andra drew. She is way into people and writing everyone's name except her own. She can write mom and dad all by herself and Nora, gramma and grampa when told the letters.

Baby Nora

Nora Jeannette was born at 1:52am Sunday morning. Contractions started at 9pm and by 10 I figured this was it. We dropped Andra off at her cousin Zach's to go back to sleep and got to the hospital about 10:30. I was a little worried that I was 1.5 hours in and it was bearable. Andra's labor was only about 2 hours of pain plus her water broke before anything else and this baby's water was still intact. By about midnight I asked to be checked again and when they said I was only at 4-5cm I asked for an epidural. Hey, I did one naturally, I had nothing to prove. I was at an 8.5 by the time the epi was in, and got about half an hour of relative rest before pushing. The epi only really worked on te left side... It was weird. Eventually it kicked in more on the right but not fully. I admit to being skeptical of people who said their epidural a didn't work, but now know better. When they work they work!! I was checked again about 1:45 and her head was right there. Four pushed and she was our, piece of cake. Recovery has been way easier too. I am ready to go home, but Nora has a bit of jaundice and needs one more night, so since officially I get one more too I am staying. I thought I would get to walk down to the cafeteria or gift shop but I can't. They said I could be discharged and still stay on as a courtesy but I figure I might as well stay. The down side is they will keep bugging me in the middle of the might to check vitals where as they wouldn't do anything if I wasn't officially here.

Otherwise... 7lbs 3 oz and 19 inches at 37 weeks 4 days. Almost identical to Andra though she was 38 weeks 5 days. Nora latches better and has had her eyes open much more, I think Andra slept for 3 weeks straight.

37 weeks tomorrow

My doctor continues to be "impressed" with the contractions I have.  NSTs are weekly now.  I'm 2cm, so not much change.  I do think she dropped lower as I feel more pressure, but at the same time, I don't think anything is imminent.  Unlike the doctor who has been saying for weeks that it could be any time now.  I'm 37 weeks (full term) tomorrow.  Saturday would be a good day I think.  I don't really want to have to go back to school Monday.

I weighed myself this morning...I started out 2 lbs heavier, and am about 3 lbs lighter than I was a 37 weeks last time.  And I don't work out AT ALL any more or eat particularly well.  Total weight gain has been about 15 lbs (148 to 163).  Baby was measuring in 65th% at 35 weeks (6lbs 1 oz if you trust those things) so it's not like she is small.  Maybe I'll get luck y and won't gain 10lbs while nursing this time.

1.5 cm, steroid shots at 33 weeks

This pregnancy has been pretty similar to the first.  I was in the hospital for monitoring yesterday, and they decided to give me the steroid shots for lung development this time.  They talked about it last time, but I kind of talked them out of it.  This time, I am already 1.5 cm dilated, they only give the shots up to 34 weeks, and I do just have a feeling this baby could come by Thanksgiving (37 weeks) or a little before.  There appears no real down side to the shots (and the upside for me?  My awful neck pain is a little bit lessened!) so better safe than sorry as even if she is just a little early her lungs will benefit.  I go get the second shot (and 2 hours of monitoring) today.  I'm pretty sure my doctor would write me out of work if I wanted, but I can't.  Not ready!  I will take a lot of time this week (assuming we have school?  Hurricane Irene put us out of school for a week, Sandy might get us a few days!) to get thing more in order.  Found out I should have the same sub as last time so that helps.  Here's a belly pic at 33 weeks:

Long time...all is well

OK, I've gone nearly 2 months with nothing to say.  Bad me, as I like looking back at this blog.  But I guess honestly, there's just been not much to say.  Baby is doing well, I am not working out much (some walks, some water running, some TRX at least until they changed the schedule and took out any classes for working people...yeah, they got a piece of my mind on that one...), school started, blah blah blah.

I did go lift today.  Warmed up (walked .1, ran .1 for a mile), then started with kettlebell squats (not sure exactly what the move is called).  OUCH.  My inner thighs were not happy.  I need to get back into lifting so that I am actually able to push this baby out!!

My ankle has been fine despite no NSAIDs anymore.  My neck, on the other hand, is a mess.  Sleeping at night is no longer interrupted by peeing, but rather by turning over in my sleep and waking up in severe pain.  It's not like the flares I've had, but the right side of my cervical spine is a mess.  Starting physical therapy Monday to see what it can do...can't hurt.  The pain isn't debilitating or anything, but it's annoying.  I can't turn my head much, so backing up while driving is tough.  Sudden turns of the head when I forget really smart.  And the whole sleep thing.

Maybe I'll check in again before I give birth.  Oh, and I'm too lazy to take a belly picture (sorry, kid) but it looks approximately 8 months pregnant compared to me last time and approximately 5 months pregnant compared to a normal person.  I'm 6.5, for the record (28 weeks).

Subtalar joint

I need to make another appointment with the foot and ankle doctor, but I am kind of wondering what they could even do while I'm pregnant? No x-rays.  Maybe a cortisone injection.  At any rate, my pain is not (or at least is no longer) in my talonavicular joint, it's now clearly (after lots of google image searches, haha) the subtalar joint.  It will be FINE enough for me to run (the tiny bit I still do) or walk, but then randomly if I sit, or sometimes when I sleep, the pain starts and it HURTS.  I just today went off the Voltaren (causes heart problems if taken in the third trimester, so at almost 21 weeks I want to be off of it) so am kind of worried it will get worse, but it's such a random pain. Not related to using it, more related to rest...almost like it just gets itself into a weird position and then if I force myself to walk around on it (can't do full weight bearing, but I hold onto furniture or the wall) it usually will work itself out in a few minutes.  So, different from all my other RA pain.  But that's the way it is.

The same...

Rereading July 2008.  I am about a week ahead of last pregnancy.  Rereading it a blast...turns out BOTH girls were uncooperative at the first anatomy scans, both curled up into tight little balls and wouldn't move.  Felt movement with both around 17 weeks.  I said the kicks got stronger at almost 20 weeks, which would put me at around this coming weekend...we'll see!  Friday I get anatomy scan round 2...

One difference is the working out.  I was still doing 2-a-days and running (at a pace I would now consider "fast!").  Ha ha.  Well, at least the weight gain is similar...I am maybe a pound over (6 total, versus 5 at 19 weeks).  I just don't get hungry during pregnancy.  No snacking, tiny meals.  Whatever, I will pack it on while nursing.  I hate that everyone says nursing makes you lose weight.  Maybe if you gain a lot, but not for me! 

Another girl!!

So after a downs scare Monday, I had an amniocentesis and got the results back Wednesday. Healthy. Girl. Yay & yay!! Started going through the old clothes and so happy I can reside them. Since I am due on Andra's birthday, the seasons are all the same.

Belly

A few pictures. Not keeping track of things like I did last time. First two pictures are at 15 weeks...one with a maternity shirt (that I did NOT buy) and second with a normal shirt. Last picture must have been 16 weeks. I definitely do look pregnant, way more so than last time.

Athletes with RA

There's a new facebook group that Wendy started...Athletes Beating RA.  Lots of like-minded people out there, who knew?  I guess if you're reading this and want to join, just search for it?

With this week off (and a few more to go before school starts up again) I've done hour+ workouts every day.  I feel great. 

Holy Moly I forgot...

How much fun it is to shop for cloth diapers.

Trying to hold off til we know the sex (July 11!) but it's so hard.

All good

Had NT scan and bloodwork, all the numbers came back better than the age-related risks so no need to ponder a CVS or amnio.  Anatomy scan will be July 11.  Gut says it's another girl...maybe just wishful thinking since I have all the stuff and all the clothes in the right seasons??

Have been walking a lot this week...no real desire to run.  I figure, if my ankle feels good enough again to walk, why risk even that by running right now?  Especially since there's no reason to run...I am out of shape, pregnant, no plans or goals...so walking is fun and low stress and just enough right now.

Belly 11 weeks 3 days

So maybe I am not fat as I feel and I don't really look pregnant yet. Funny that seeing from the camera's perspective is so different.

My ankle has been bad the past few days. Very swollen. No running, no walking. This could be a swimming and lifting summer (thinking no cycling too since I am not in shape and the belly eventually will grow...though I made it til August or Sept last time).

There is a head

Not much going on lately. Work, tutor, hang out with Andra, go to sleep when I put her to bed. Repeat. Occasional work outs... Three a week is a good week. This week isn't one of them. Ankle acting up again, like the disease is active in it again. Not sure if it's here for a while or not.

Had ultrasound today, 11 weeks. Squirmy little thing with a head. All looked good.

Still exhausted

So I walked for 40 minutes today instead of taking a nap. It was a good idea until about 2 hours later. I need that nap. Plus my legs are exhausted, not sore but exhausted. Ugh. 9 weeks. I don't remember feeling this tired but at the same time last time I could take a nap anytime I wanted after school. Not so much anymore. Still on progesterone shots... Tonight probably the last one as I just waiting for blood test results. Then I guess I am just a normal pregnant lady.

One craving

So I don't feel so fat anymore...I think I'm back to looking normal.  Still tired but today wasn't as bad.  Ate pretty healthily today which might help.  I am finding that I actually have a craving this time...JUICE.  It's all I want.  The sweetness, plus the fact that I'm so darn thirsty ALL THE TIME.  Actually ran on Sunday.  Well, ran/walked.  But it's more cardio than I've done in a while.  I promise myself to go back to working out when school ends...7 more weeks. 

Still beating

Seven weeks today, another ultrasound but this time at my OB's office.  Everything looks good.  I have been exhausted, hungry, thirsty, a super salivater (like I'm going to spit all over my students when I'm lecturing) and I feel less fat and more like I am already looking pregnant.  It's not just  my lower belly, it's the whole round thing from the boobs down.  Whatever...I just wish I had more time (as in less tutoring), more energy, and more WORKING OUT.  This is 100% different from last time...oh well.  I can't live in the past.  It will all get better....

Fat

6 weeks 1 day. Today was the first day of hunger/nausea (not bad just noticeable). I know I started this pregnancy not in good shape (compared to marathon PR shape last time) and it's pregnancy number two and I had a couple (3?) pounds on my starting weight from last time (149 vs 146 but more fat this time) but I did t expect to look like this so soon. And feel like this. I posted a pic at 15 weeks last time and I think I look worse now. I hope it doesn't continue. I feel like I have stronger abs this time but more fat on top of them. I know I hated the fat but not pregnant looking phase last time but it's so early andover last longer this time. Argh.

Heartbeat!

1400

Levels doing what they're supposed to do. Ultrasound Monday at 5w5d.

214

So more than doubled. That's good. More bloodwork Wednesday then ultrasound Monday the 16th. Almost 6 weeks then but probably too early for heartbeat.... That'll be nerve wracking.

87.5

Positive. 87.5, they said anything over 50 is good and it doesn't seem high enough to be twins.

I'm still not allowed to relax though, huh?

I can say this now, though. I KNEW this one worked.

(Thanks for the comments, RunningMama and Nitsirk...)

16 hours

Not quite so patient any more. I can't full out admit it, but I am really hopeful. Which means if I'm wrong, it's going to be worse than last time. When I wasn't hopeful, but still hung on to a thread of a chance. Tonight I've been reading infertility blogs, all sorts. It just helps, reading how others get through and what they feel and knowing it sucks but I'm normal.

I'm driving back to the satellite clinic tomorrow, where I did most of my monitoring, rather than into Manhattan. I won't pee on a stick...I consciously didn't buy any when I went to Target today. This has been my mantra all cycle, something I found on Pinterest:



16 more hours til they call.

Patiently

Waiting. Test Wednesday. No spotting like last time. Hopeful...

They are in

Two, 7 & 8 cells. Good quality. Now more waiting.

I just compared these two with last cycles two. Huge difference... These are pretty! Going to try to take RunningMama's advice and be deliriously optimistic.

Top pic is last time bottom is this time.

Two

Two fertilized. Same as last time. Feel slightly more positive. Co culture....

Three

After all that... Three eggs.

But I did manage to finally cry. Albeit for only a minute and I had no privacy.

Scatterbrained

Can't focus on anything. Went into the city for 6:30 this morning for all the pre op paperwork and blood as ultrasound and then rushed back so I wouldn't miss my entire honors lab. Got there with about 40 minutes left (the kids are a pain in the butt but I love them and they were happy to see me instead of the sub which you gotta love) and somehow went on autopilot teaching projectile motion, then took my next class into the planetarium (yeah we have one in our school) and automatically did the lesson on the path of the sun. Advantage of doing the same thing for 11 years...I don't always have to think.

The dr today saw 5 follicles all good size but yesterday there were 6 so I hope she just missed one. Retrieval tomorrow. Transfer on Saturday. Hoping 4 fertilize and maybe we put back two and freeze two? If we get 3 maybe we put back all 3? Two more weeks.

Six

Six follicles working. They range from 22.5mm to 11.7mm, so a big range, but the doctor today (whom I like because he pulls the sheet down between my legs after he puts the ultrasound probe in, so I feel way less exposed...why don't they all do that?) said he thinks I should trigger tonight (though slim chance not til tomorrow) and they should get 6 eggs. Not all guaranteed mature, but hey, 6 is 33% more than the 4 I got last time. And this time I was on half the meds.

Very, very antsy. Just want this done.

Double!

Managed a double workout today...ran 4 miles at school after my bloodwork and ultrasound (looks like maybe 5 follicles...biggest 14mm, then 11, 9, 2 or 3 less than 10...so maybe I'll only get 3, it's still a bit early though) since I didn't have to teach until 10, and then went to TRX tonight just because I could.

After feeling so awful for a long time, it is a relief to realize (again and again) that the reason I was so "lazy" was because I was SICK.

Good egg vibes

My friend Jessica (who's been through this) texted today that,

"I do like that you are cycling close to Easter. Good egg vibes."

Cracked me up, and changed my tune a little. A little more positive going into monitoring in the morning...


And in case you didn't see it on Facebook, isn't this the best picture?

Spring run

Ran an easy 2.5 miles today, in the weather everyone is talking about. The two weeks or so I took off due to my GI stuff took a toll. I started taking Entocort, a steroid (another one, yeah), to see if it helped. It did. Which is good except that that means the issue is probably autoimmune...Crohn's, likely, but who knows. I'm just happy to have relief and hope it lasts. I was so wiped out...RA has nothing on this. I would come home from school feeling awful and just being exhausted. Gym? No chance. On the rare days when I felt ok, that's the only time I really believed how bad it was on the bad days. The good days, I wanted to go to the gym...so I knew it wasn't just laziness. Anyway...just one more thing.

Bloodwork and ultrasound today...about 6 little follicles, same as last time. They are small...but I've only been on Follisitim and Menopur for 2 night so far, and I guess I really have no idea what the Clomid was supposed to do. I don't go back til Thursday which is nice. I add in Ganirelix today til the end, which seems strange to me given how small they all are (there is one bigger one...maybe it's for that?), but I'm not overthinking it. Just doing what I'm told.

It hit me today on the drive back to work, most things in life, you work hard and learn and try your best and good things come a a result. This is one of the only things ever that I feel like I have no control over. That's hard.

Endometrial biopsy

Eh, no big deal. An HSG test hurt more and took longer. This was so quick (about 10 seconds, if that), I almost didn't need a sub for school (I taught my morning class, drove into the city, missed one class but made it back just in time for my afternoon lab). I liked the doctor who did it...he was very friendly, chatty, good sense of humor. Damned if I can remember his name, though. Insurance might even cover this too...meaning I am lucky enough to be spending more on NYC parking that on meds or the actual IVF procedure.

Round 2

Went into Manhattan this morning to do bloodwork related to co-culture. Tomorrow I go back for the biopsy. Then Saturday I start estrogen patches until I get my period and then it's clomid and whatever other drugs Ivan on this time. I think it is less of the injectables but the clomid is supposed to be kind of bad do... Trade off.

Ambivalence

As cycle #2 gets closer here's what I'm thinking.

First, I've decided to spend 30 days focusing on eating less, losing weight, being disciplined. It was precipitated by yet another bout of colitis...probably related to something autoimmune as it all turns out. I am on another drug for it (I think I'm taking over 10 pills a day now, including vitamins and supplements, plus my Enbrel shot weekly...I'm the healthiest sick person I know though) but so far, not helping. My only relief comes from not eating...which, of course, brings its own problems. So I've decided just to eat the minimum. Probably it's about what I was eating when I lost weight in 2006, maybe 1200-1500 calories a day. Pain is a good motivator. We'll see what happens...I'm on day 5 and doing well, feeling pretty good.

When IVF #2 starts in mid-March, I'll either have good abs going into the pregnancy, or good abs for summer. I think this is partly protecting myself, but I kind of don't even want to do the cycle. I'm happy with just Andra. I want another kid, but not another baby.
It isn't something I really feel able to think through thoroughly because I don't know what the outcome will be. To spend energy wondering what my life will be like with or without at this point isn't productive although I really want to. I just don't then want to choose which ending I want and then get the other.

Getting in a groove and it's over...

Second day of 3 miles in the morning. Plus some lifting and abs and stretching. Damn, and vacation is almost over.

Considering a little more the idea of getting a treadmill. The basement will be much cleaner after some time spent down there today, and this weekend we will move my old white iron twin bed into Andra's room (once we buy a boxspring) which will leave only her disassembled crib and some seasonal storage stuff. But largely the main room will be cleared and cleaned and there is plenty of room for a treadmill. I just figure...as important as the Y was to me for the last 6 years, it's just less so now. All the classes I used to take...I don't go because they are all at 6:30pm. Saturday is just TRX now, and I haven't even been in the pool in months (longer? a year?). There are weights and everything at school. I have the bike trainer in the basement, and a Jillian Michaels DVD I haven't actually opened yet. All my workouts are 40 minutes or less. My old trainer said she's going to again do an outdoor bootcamp when the weather improves (yeah, 6:30, but I'll manage to get there sometimes). And I think, just maybe, I could set my alarm for 5:15 to get in a 3 mile run a couple times a week if I knew I didn't have to leave my house. So I figure $1000 (aka a Y membership for a year) will get me something good enough, but I plan to go look tomorrow and just start thinking more seriously. I started thinking about this a while ago, but am more serious now.

Thinking more about upcoming IVF #2. My brother is having kid #2 in May, my other sister in law has started sort of trying (I think after our troubles, she realizes maybe waiting isn't the best idea, she's my age), all the people on Facebook...I'm not jealous really at all, I still contend that in the end if we only have Andra I'm good with that. (Maybe we'd adopt later, an older, 3-ish kid...part of me wonders if that's part of the plan for us.) But still, hard not to have a bit of baby fever. Hard to look at that disassembled crib in the basement and wonder how long it'll be there before we either need it or get rid of it. Hard to hear my mom keep saying it's time for another Christmas in Mexico (something we've done a few times), knowing maybe I'd be pregnant or with a newborn if this next cycle works (I still haven't told them anything).

Sigh. And while I'd be ok with a negative outcome eventually, that doesn't mean the next 2 or 3 months won't just utterly suck.

Oh, and my neck x-rays came back normal. They didn't do all the views the doctor wanted, even though I asked the tech, but...whatever. If there really is something that would show on those views, the doctor said it would be minimal given that the other views were fine.

Long time. Off this week for February break and expected good things in terms f working out but... Something always comes up. This time it was an RA flare in my neck and two toe joints. So yeah no running. It was better today, no prednisone or Vicodin but I still didn't make it to work out. I have had some good runs lately including a 5.5 miler that felt great although a repeat hasn't been attempted. I picked up some old issues of Runner's World trying to get inspiration back. Eh... Not yet. I do understand that there's a lot going on for me right now and am generally way more understanding of myself than i used I be with less of the guilt that I am just being a slacker. That is largely due to accepting that I am one though. I just don't have the focus or goals I used to and apparently don't want them that badly. That does make me sad.

In IVF news I got my period after a 42 day cycle and tentatively have my endometrial biopsy March 6. Then I would start stims that cycle mid march.

I got neck X-rays yesterday. My rheumatologist wanted them in June but I put it off because I didn't want anyone bad news and I didn't want to be in any more doctors' offices. Assume they will call me with results this week. Don't expect anything bad but I know it will show erosions. All the crunching I hear is the same I had in my wrists and ankle and they are damaged so.... No surprises but I guess good to have a baseline.

A new old blog to read

Found an old blog, one I bookmarked in 2008 while pregnant. I remembered it had something to do with infertility, so tonight while putting Andra to bed (it's easier if I stay upstairs with her, albeit in my own room) I looked at it again. Reading posts back from 2003; she was also DOR, and at least consulted at Cornell. She has two kids now, though I don't know if they used her own eggs or not. She's funny. At least as funny as one can be in this situation. I guess I'm mentally gearing up for round 2. I am supposed to call Cornell back when I get my period this month, but the month is ending and my BBT says I haven't ovulated yet on CD 26. Sigh. Nothing is easy.

Oh, and the RA is flaring today, in my jaw of all places. Hasn't done that since I was 18 (6 years before being diagnosed, though I recognize that as my first real symptom). And weirdly it's just the left side. Well, beats the neck or ankle.

I ran twice this week, 1.5 miles at about a 9:30 pace, a quick walk break, and another 1 at 9:15. Then just one mile before TRX last night, at 8:45. I keep reminding myself that I am not training for anything, so I don't need to go long or go fast, I just need to go.

Of course, I did tonight sign up for the Stamford Olympic triathlon July 1. So at some point, I will need to train.

Feeling "normal"

Have had some good 4 mi runs lately on the treadmill. Had a streak of 6-7 workout days in a row which hasn't happened in a while. Generally felt great this past week, almost what normal used to feel like. In the middle of a really busy week now, but trying to squeeze workouts in at school at lunch or whenever I can. Making it less of an option and more of a commitment. Planning to sign up for the local olympic triathlon July 1. I could be pregnant, but I could not. Not going to put another year on hold like I did last year. And at the moment, I see no reason why I can't do the full tirathlon, not just the aqua-bike I did in 2010. Nice.

No 10k Sunday but that was a good thing probably. My GI issues have been back since before Christmas so it is really hard to plan workouts. I getting a little better at squeezing them in when I can though. I got my bike tuned up this weekend and put it on the trainer in the basement Sunday. Rode easy for 40 minutes and enjoyed it. Last year mostly had it in the dining room but I am determined to get a nice table and chairs this year plus in the basement I can tell Andra I going to the gym, go out the front door and back into the basement from the backyard so I can work out in peace. Anyway it was a good workout and then I ran a bit today and Friday and did TRX Saturday so it has been a good run.

iPhone love

First post from my new iPhone. I love it. Seriously don't know why I waited so long?

I am thinking of running a 10k on Sunday. I am not in shape and won't run well or fast but I need fewer excuses and just more doing. I am not who I was but if I eer want to get back there even part way then I need to do something differently. Why not just do this without worrying about anything other than I want to want to do it. And lucky for me this one doesn't start til 10am! I wish it was a 5k as I haven't run longer than 4 mi in months but it isn't, there isn't a 5k nearby this month at all,and maybe doing the 10 will make me feel like I accomplished more.

I have quit reading some blogs I used to. Or rather I keep reading but quit commenting (but If you still comment here I am not referring to you!). I am sick of reading about people who haven't changed or faced any real hardships in the last few years. Don't get me wrong I would love to be on e of them but I am not. I want to read more about people getting through shitty times, probably to make myself feel better. Latest is I have this bunion that popped up on my left foot a fewonths ago and might be RA related but then again might not be (my mom has awful feet and the RA is from my dad's side nor hers). Hurts but then again nothing like the RA hurt.

Andra loves Watching Maisy videos on YouTube. Really glad she likes this and not some Disney princess shit.