As cycle #2 gets closer here's what I'm thinking.
First, I've decided to spend 30 days focusing on eating less, losing weight, being disciplined. It was precipitated by yet another bout of colitis...probably related to something autoimmune as it all turns out. I am on another drug for it (I think I'm taking over 10 pills a day now, including vitamins and supplements, plus my Enbrel shot weekly...I'm the healthiest sick person I know though) but so far, not helping. My only relief comes from not eating...which, of course, brings its own problems. So I've decided just to eat the minimum. Probably it's about what I was eating when I lost weight in 2006, maybe 1200-1500 calories a day. Pain is a good motivator. We'll see what happens...I'm on day 5 and doing well, feeling pretty good.
When IVF #2 starts in mid-March, I'll either have good abs going into the pregnancy, or good abs for summer. I think this is partly protecting myself, but I kind of don't even want to do the cycle. I'm happy with just Andra. I want another kid, but not another baby.
It isn't something I really feel able to think through thoroughly because I don't know what the outcome will be. To spend energy wondering what my life will be like with or without at this point isn't productive although I really want to. I just don't then want to choose which ending I want and then get the other.