Short lived

Cortisone shot worked for about 3 days. Oh well. All I can do now is wait it out. Frustrating, especially at school, but if I dwell on it, well, that won't help. So I can't. Must...look...forward...

My 500m swim time improved from 11:34 to 10:30. Still slow but not the slowest in the group, and one of the best overall improvements. I think from here on out the pool at the Y is open for lap swimming until 4:15 at least 3 days a week, so I can add that into the mix of bike and elliptical and weights more easily. I've taken it easy this week (kind of a bad cold and cough, plus just mentally dealing with ankle) but will have to get my spring plan in swing soon. I keep looking at local triathlons, and maybe I will plan to do an olympic and DNF. What the hell...it's obviously not a triathlon, but the worst part about not running/racing is that I have no gauge of my fitness/effort and hence no real motivation other than just "exercising." It doesn't help that I've been eating too much crap but also losing a little weight (yet, the body fat scale creeps up, so it's clearly not fat I'm losing). If I have a race to do, I can then have the fun of seeing where I fit in with others in the swim and bike portion.

Cortisone shot and beach pictures

Got my cortisone shot Friday. It certainly has helped. When I stand up now and take that first step, I can just WALK. It had been very painful to do that, though a few steps later it wasn't so bad, though I was always limping. I still can't run. The bones continue to click and rub against each other and generally feel loose. Sometimes when it cracks, it hurts. I think it's like an earthquake, the pressure builds and when it finally gives, it cracks and hurts. I can't really balance on just my left leg, because all those little corrections you do to keep your balance cause cracking of the joint. But the painful inflammation is gone, at least for now. And I don't think I am noticeably limping anymore, though my gait isn't quite normal. The ankle is still stiff, and I still am AWARE of it. Hard to explain, but normally when you walk, you just walk, you don't have to think about it. I am hoping that when my orthotics come back (again) next week, that will also help, though I don't think I have a prayer to run for a while. I am not even playing that game where you wonder if your "injury" (not an injury in my case, but a good enough analogy) is real or if you're just being a wimp. I am not being a wimp. There is just no point in my running "through" this. Hopefully the joint will stabilize, maybe fuse itself (so I don't have to consider surgery in a few years), but at least get to the point where it's not so loose. If it stays at least as good as it is now, walks are an option again. Maybe not fast walks that could count as a workout, but at least a way to get outside, especially if Andra needs to go to the park or take an extra nap.

A few pictures from the beach last week. Schools in my town were closed all week, though the town I teach in went back Thursday after power was restored late Wednesday night. My friend Jessica and her daughter Kate are moving back to Chicago tomorrow, which I am REALLY sad about, but we did get to spend a couple days hanging out in the beautiful weather.

Nor'easter

We were lucky and never even lost power, but the nor'easter that blew through this weekend has shut area schools (including mine) today and tomorrow, at least. Crazy! A huge tree fell across our road a few houses down, but didn't hit power lines, houses, or even a car. Fred's brother and his wife and new baby are without power til Thursday probably. I still took Andra to daycare today and went to the gym, then did a few errands and then cleaned half the house. I'll take her tomorrow too and get more cleaning and some organizing done.

We're halfway to our fundraising goal! Not bad for a month into it.

Also, since I am without my orthotics for a few weeks as they get readjusted, I put into my shoes the Dr. Scholl's arch supports I bought during my pregnancy. Amazingly, they worked much better than the orthotics! Less pain, though still the crunching. Which might be taken care of with the shot on Friday. Hopefully the orthotics will come back like that...or else I guess I make them redo them? I like the podiatrist and he said he was "a perfectionist," so...

Gimpy

I went back to the podiatrist yesterday for an orthotics check, which was good because I felt like they were doing absolutely nothing. He seemed surprised, and decided to get xrays of my feet while standing, with and without the orthotics. I am glad he did. Since my last xrays (I think back in September) apparently things have progressed significantly. That Sept xray report said no damage, the first orthopedic said no damage (and no to the cortisone shot), and the new guy said there clearly WAS damage, though I couldn't tell when he showed me. This time, it was crystal clear even to me. Upside: it's real so I don't have to feel like a wuss for not running (or walking) these last few months. Downside: he doesn't think the orthotics will help much, though he did take them back to have the arch raised more just in case it will help. He also said he'd guess I'll need the joint fused at some point, but that yeah, I could still run after that since no motion = no pain. I go for a cortisone shot next Friday.

I keep trying to compare this ankle pain to my wrists. I didn't think it was exactly the same...but now that I know it really is RA in the ankle, I guess it is, it's just that the joints function differently. My wrists used to hurt if they stayed in the same position too long (sleeping, say, or on the bike). The ankle is always worst when I first stand up. I would have real weakness in my wrists...not being able to pick up heavy books, or open doors. With the ankle, you do'nt use your toes the way you do your fingers so that strength loss isn't the same. Still, the swelling, stiffness and pain are the same. So, now I have some faith that the cortisone shot will actually help. I wish I had realized this earlier, say in September, and maybe some of this damage could have been prevented. But...at the same time, despite all my wrists have been through and the times I probably thought I would never lift a dumbbell again, they are functionally 95% normal and pain free now. SO...lesson is, relax, I will run again. Or hell, at least WALK again.

At swimming last night we did a mini indoor triathlon. Swim 1000 yards (I was second to last, not last!), spin 20 min, run (or elliptical in my case) 20 min. I make a pathetic exit from the pool at 4:18 on this video (ankle, can you tell it hurts?), though I look much stronger spinning in the middle of the video, and despite my warnings I even made an elliptical appearance at 7:30.

Guess who's a real swimmer?

Guess who that is on the left??? Looks like a real swimmer, huh? (Don't disillusion me, if I made it onto the poster, I can't be that bad.)

At Masters tonight, Amanda in my lane told me my picture was on the poster advertising the next session, and apparently the same images were also in an email we got. I feel so cool! And to make things better, a fast woman from 2 lanes over told me in the locker room that I have gotten a lot better and look much smoother and faster. It FEELS better, too, much more natural. Well, except for this breathing stuff we did tonight. I did OK taking only 4 breaths per length for the 200, 300 and 500 sets. The 3 breaths per length for the next 300 was pushing it, and the 1 breath per length for the 200 ended up being more like 8 25s (with loooong rests in between). But I do have faith that all this misery is paying off. We retest the 500 on the last session in 2 weeks. I only really hope for under 10:30, though 9:5x would be very nice. At least now, I feel like I can cruise for long sets and feel comfortable, even if I am not good at pushing the pace. Comfort was all I wanted. If I do this again, I can work on speed.

Another runner with RA

Another runner with RA.

Click and look at the picture of her toes. This serves to remind me that I will run again. Just like Jeri.

More elliptical

Saturday I did almost an hour (7 miles) on the elliptical. Dare I say it? It was kind of fun. It is as close as I can get to running these days, and I miss it!! I turned up the iPod and watched my reflection in the TV on the machine and went pretty hard! I want to make a comparison to running...like, normally in an hour I might have once run 7 miles, but now (ankle aside) could probably only do 6. So should I set the elliptical so that that the effort is the same? Maybe it doesn't matter and I should go by heartrate. Or really, maybe who the hell cares since I can't run and I should just do what makes me happy. But seriously, anyone with elliptical experience want to share how you set it up?? I'm curious. I also lifted, if nothing else at least I can keep my upper body looking good!

Ordered Dansko clogs, should be here tomorrow. Hopefully will make the limp less noticeable. Kids at school have asked, and I don't want it to become that noticeable. Also found a good resource at www.liftmelevel.com for anyone with RA foot issues, they (for a steep price, but worth it if it works) can modify your existing shoes by putting on a rocker bottom or a flat steel rod to stiffen the sole. I will be bringing this info to my podiatrist appointment in a couple weeks. If the orthotics don't work, they need to help me find another solution. I get annoyed that I have to find all this stuff myself, it's the doctors' job to help. But...I know I also need to be my own advocate, because honestly, if you haven't had this disease, you can't really understand what it feels like. It's one thing to know what a talonavicular joint is and does, but it's another thing to know what it feels like when it doesn't work. For me it seems to be the toe push off that gets me. I do this rotation from my hip on the left side to avoid the push off. Hence the limp. But I also want the podiatrist to watch me walk. Seriously, I don't understand (in retrospect) how he could have ordered orthotics without doing that. Yes, they took a mold of my feet, but...wouldn't watching me walk/limp tell them more??? I need to write all this down before the March 10 appointment.

Rocker sole talonavicular arthritis

From now on, every time I do a Google search and come up empty I am going to post it in my title so the next person looking for what I am looking for at least knows they are not crazy. ARGH.

I was spinning on Monday night, and as I was walking from the locker room to the spin room in my cycling shoes, I realized that I could walk in those things without a limp. Now, most of you know that walking in cycling shoes is not exactly normal, those things are clearly not designed for walking. BUT nonetheless, they so prevent a real toe push off, and as such, prevent a certain ankle motion that I find painful! So I've been Googling and the best I can find is that a rocker bottom sole MIGHT work better than these custom orthotics (that my insurance may or may not be paying for...) which appear to do...NOTHING. I did go try on Dansko clogs today (somewhat better, actually) as well as some really ugly Sketcher shoes with the really ugly rocker bottom (not as good, probably because the soles are not as stiff). I did find some places online that will modify your existing shoes by replacing the soles with rocker bottoms, and I've emailed to find out more. My local shoe repair shop basically said no, impossible. OK. And I USED to have this pair of clogs I LOVED (husband hated them) that had WOODEN ROCKER SOLES, but I got rid of them after they spent one too many humid summers in the basement and got pretty moldy. I am SO wishing I had just kept them to see if they would work now. Except, really, I want a pair of shoes I can go for long walks with this summer pushing the BOB. I have sort of given up on the running for the time being.

But I really want to be able to walk without a limp.

Oh, and for anyone who cares, that post where I thought I tool a minute off my 500 swim time? Yeah, turns out my 11:34 time was 500 meters, and my 10:35 time was 500 yards. FUCK.

Mass starts (and my friend's daughter arrived from Haiti!)

At swimming tonight we practiced mass starts. Well, if 11 swimmers counts as a "mass." (See video of the Tuesday group doing this here.) It was actually a super good workout for me. They took out a couple of the lane lines and we all pretended to tread water (the pool is 3.5 feet deep) and went on "go." We did some different distances, 200, 400, 150, 100, 200, 50, maybe one or two others but it was about 1200 meters total (found out this pool is meters not yards). We'd all start and at the other end have to swim under the lane line and go back. There was plenty of hitting and kicking and swimming over people and gulping water and feeling crowded and panicky. It was really good for me! Also because I had to swim much harder than I normally do to keep up. I was NEVER last, and I was in the middle of the pack for all the 100s and shorter (I love sprints in any sport, my endurance totally needs work though), especially in the one 100 we did with pull buoys. So tonight did tons for my confidence in surviving a swim, even if I am still going to be slow.

Now, I just need my ankle to stabilize enough so I can actually DO a triathlon this year! Or if not, I need to find an aquabike race! Or I suppose I could just DNF at a triathlon, that might actually be what I have to do.

ALSO...my friend Nikki met her daughter TODAY! After a rollercoaster I wouldn't believe if I hadn't seen her go through it, Aliette finally got out of Haiti and they met in Miami today. You've got to go see the pictures, and she has the whole story on her blog too if you want to know what she went through!

Does almost still count??

Got Andra to bed and when Fred came home from his meeting at 8:05 I left for the pool. When I got there at 8:15 I stopped just to check that the swim team would be out by 8:30. DAMN. Thursday's they are there til 9! And the pool closes at 9:45. I was not going to sit around for 45 minutes to feel like I had to rush to get in a 45 minute swim. Of course I had no other workout clothes, just my swimsuit. So I came home. And all day I've been try not to let myself wimp out, I really don't like going to the pool so late. I like 6pm, even 7pm workouts, but 9??? Forget it. Luckily I'm off next week and can swim at noon a couple days.

Yay elliptical! (Not really.)

Went to the gym after school with high hopes of running! Felt like I could all day. Had that nervous energy you get when something exciting is going to happen! I lasted about 30 seconds. Moved to elliptical machine #1 (Precor) which caused too much ankle movement and crunching. Moved downstairs (the Y has two levels of cardio machines, I am a 2nd floor regular) to the other kind and it worked. I didn't love it, but I can adapt. Only did 20 minutes, then lifted (some kettlebell stuff, abs, legs). Have to just be patient and wait out this crunchy phase. Not going to lie, not being able to run mentally SUCKS. But I do have other goals to take its place, swimming and cycling.

Fred and I have officially signed up for the CCC and have started the long road to raising $6000 by October. See the link to the right if you want to donate to the Arthritis Foundation! Anyone who has RA that reads and has your own blog, I would love it if you mentioned my ride and posted this link http://cccsocal.kintera.org/clare to your blog! I may try to get creative ala Lil Runner and raise money through blog giveaways or something, but not yet. Anyone have any tips for fundraising??

Minus :59

I went to the pool tonight (I was the ONLY one there for a while, I am SOSOSO dedicated huh?) and swam a mile, and retested my 500. I paid much more attention to my breathing, and for most of it I managed to breathe every other stroke instead of my usual every stroke. There were a few times I thought I might die, but mostly, at least the first 400, I didn't panic. The result? 10:35. Still not anything, but a :59 improvement! Thanks for the comments, the advice, and the reminders that swimming really is hard! I hope by the end of this 10 week session to feel comfortable swimming this "new" way.

As for the 500 time...11:34 was my first ever attempt, so I really had no idea how to pace myself, etc. I think 10:35 is more indicative of my level, as a one minute improvement in 9 days isn't exactly real. I'll chalk that minute up to experience and mental issues, and use 10:35 as my benchmark. We retest in 3 weeks and again at the end, in 6 weeks. I hope to have a time of 9:30, which is 1:54/100. That doesn't sound too ambitious, it sounds pretty attainable to me IF I work at it. So, I will rededicate myself to 2 pool sessions a week on my own. Unfortunately, Friday nights will probably be one of them, and either Sunday afternoon or Monday nights for the other. That sucks, but there's no way to do it in the morning what with school starting at 7:30, and the pool not being open for lap swimming in the afternoons. I know I'll look back on this time in a year and feel proud of being dedicated to something that is inconvenient and not nearly as fun as running, so that's keeping me going.

Andra LOVES swimming. We went today, and she is now a HUGE fan of sitting on the side of the pool and jumping in. She is still, at 14 months almost, an ankle- and wrist-twirler, and when I sit her up there, she gets the biggest, goofiest grin, twirls away, and then lunges into the water. She tries to swim away from me once she's in, but when I almost let go, she almost sinks, so we're not quite there yet.

Why swimming is hard

I keep trying, and I will continue to do so, but this is not getting easier. Maybe it didn't help that this week I didn't make it to the pool on my own at all. But even so....UGH. Tonight was 2700 yards. I managed to do 2600 before the pool closed and they kicked us out, so I only missed the 100 cool down. And I wasn't the only one who didn't quite finish, plus there was a Tuesday guy in my lane (yes, the slow lane) who only was doing 2100. At one point I thought I was doing ok, and the coach said to me, you've almost got it, but for the next 2 laps have your hands touch every stroke. We've done this, and IT SUCKS. I went from being ok (meaning heart rate under control and not panicking about lack of air) to tensing up, feeling like I was stopping dead in the water after every stroke, and having my shoulders and lower back get so tired from trying not to sink (because I felt like I was stopped dead in the water), and gasping for air. Then we had to do some 25s all out, and I loved those, because when I go fast, for sch a short distance, it all comes together. But when I have to do a longer set, I have to slow way down to make it, and feel like I'm working way harder than if I just swam my own way. I guess it just will take more time. The very last 300, it actually did come together, but it's so fleeting!

The ankle doesn't do well being in the same pointed position for so long, and at the end of a set when I rest it takes a while to even put weight on that foot. Looked ridiculous when I got out of the pool, could not walk without a hugely noticeable limp. But I did get my orthotics today. Will take a week or so to break them in. I don't expect to be able to run for a few months, that's just the way the RA is, but it would be nice to walk without pain. Hopefully it will stabilize soon, or I may decide to go for the cortisone shot by June. At any rate, Fred and I signed up for the California Coast Classic so I'll be focusing on riding soon.

I've been walking around NORMALLY today. I caught myself NOT limping and, it was weird! Still hurts but not enough to limp.

Ups and Downs

Not much to report on. Swimming has been ok. We did a 500 yard "time trial" (can I call it that in swimming?) and, not unexpectedly, I was the slowest one in the Wednesday group. 11:34. It's really hard to push for me when swimming, that whole breathing thing mentally freaks me out. If I am breathing too hard, but only get to breathe when there's a chance I might get a mouthful of water instead of air, I am reluctant to go so fast that I can't survive if I miss a breath. Eh...I guess all that matters is if I improve that time, and we'll be retested in a month and then at the end of the program. You swimmers, can you give me any indication of what 11:34 MEANS for a 500? Like, for me, if I went all out I could, at least when I could run at all, have probably run a 6:40 mile or so. A more comfortable mile pace might have been closer to 8:00 if there was a reason to run fast, or a sustainable pace more around 9:00. Clearly 11:34 is not fast...but does it put me in the ranks of the 12:00 milers, the 10:00 milers, the 15:00 walkers?? It's weird having no reference point.

Get orthotics Wednesday. Don't want to say anything else, don't want to think about it. Either they'll work, or they won't.

In order to help in the not thinking about it, I've made a big decision. Although we won't officially commit til next week, Fred and I are going to sign up for the California Coast Classic, a 585 mile bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles that raises money for the Arthritis Foundation. RA has, temporarily I hope, taken away my ability to run. On the other hand, it sparked my running in the first place. But, still, it's taken it away. And I am pissed. But rather than dwell on that, I will ride. And swim (which, incidentally, hurts my ankle), but this summer I will ride. A LOT. I will be a cyclist.

And I will prove something to myself, again.

On a happier note, Andra is the BEST. I went out to lunch with two friends today, and she was incredibly cute and well-behaved (minus a few things dropped on the floor). My kid's got a great sense of humor and, except when she is teething, is so much FUN to be around. And later on today I went to this clothing swap a big group of working moms from the YWCA had, and even though I only brought a few things to swap, I left with TONS of clothes for the next 2 years plus a couple toys. Since I went right at the end, and everything left over was to be donated to charity, I didn't feel bad scooping up everything I did. Good clothes, great price.

Lots of random thoughts

Went up from 1600yds last week to 2150 last night. Big jump for me. Actually, 1600 wasn't too tough with the breaks I take, and I went to the pool twice on my own last week too. 2150 on my own will be hard, but I plan to go tomorrow afternoon and then again Monday or Sunday.

I got fitted for orthotics and they should be in in 2 weeks. The podiatrist said he fits about 5 people a day, 1-2 of whom have RA, but only 1-2 a YEAR are for the talo-navicular joint. He said it should help. I hope so because it ain't pretty right now. No running, walking with a limp most of the time. Lifted today and spin once a week now plus swimming so it's fine but I will be happy if I can get back to running, even if all I ever do again is a 5k I will take it. I know I will...I've been through this with the wrists EXACTLY. They were bad at first, and now for the last 2 years maybe they are FINE even with the structural damage. So it might be a little while, but eventually the ankle won't hurt anymore. And probably I'll go through this with the other ankle at some point. Weird that it's not now as RA is usually bilateral. But, not complaining.

Andra decided this week to start feeding herself. With her fingers AND with a fork. Ok, there's usually no food on the fork, but she gets it to her mouth just fine! Plus, she bit a kid at day care. We think the other kid stuck his finger in her mouth, so it wasn't exactly intentional, and apparently after he screamed, she screamed louder and longer. So, I think she was sorry and won't do it again!

My friend from school who's adopting a little girl from Haiti is on pins and needles. She got a picture of Aliette (10 months) exactly one week before the quake, expecting the process to take 1-2 years. Now, she could arrive on a cargo plane at any time. Last she heard the kids from her orphanage were waiting at the US embassy at 4am this morning to leave. They could fly in any time, to anywhere in the US. She is waiting for a phone call telling her something like, "Be in Kansas City at 5pm." I gave her my old car seat and our school resource officer (aka cop) pulled some strings to get it installed correctly today. I brought her some bottles and some warm clothes, pjs, a couple little toys...seriously, she did not exepct to become an instant mom to a baby! She is psyched but overwhelmed, and of course she has no idea what shape Aliette is in. Dehydrated, dirty, sick, etc. And not knowing and imagining what she's going through has to be awful. I just hope she gets out today and my friend can just get her in her arms. This is her second adoption (first from China) and wow, I'm glad I could get my kid the old fashioned way...the stress and emotional toll of adoption is not for the weak-hearted!

I must be hardcore too!

Tonight was the first masters swim. It was fun! And I convinced myself that I belonged in the Wednesday group! Not because I'm fast...hardly. Not because I have endurance (I chose the shorter of the two workouts we could choose from)...hardly. But because last night around 3am I woke up nauseous, ended up having a few puking episodes the next couple hours, called in sick to work, slept in until 10, napped from 12-2...and still went to swimming!

I actually felt pretty fine by then. Tired, but honestly I will feel that way every night. Once I was done puking I tried really hard to get enough calories in me so I could make it. If there is a silver lining to puking (and other things), it's that my weight drops by a couple pounds overnight (I finally hit 145 this morning...yeah, I know it's not real) and I feel obliged to eat as much as I can once I'm better. Not that I wanted to eat anything today...but it's still different to say to myself, You must eat! instead of, Stop eating!

So apparently my swimming stroke is ALL WRONG. Near as I can tell, my stroke is like a windmill. Frankly, I LIKE my stroke. The whole point of my doing this masters program is to STOP feeling like I'm going to drown. Yet, what the coach had us doing made me feel...well, like I was going to drown. He assured me I wouldn't, and, ok, I didn't, but...seriously? I guess we still have to work on my kick and my breathing, and apparently once all the pieces are there I will be a better swimmer who won't freak out in open water swims. But this is going to take work.

Progress

Loved the new ankle guy. Didn't hurt that he was cute and said, "Have we met before? You seem familiar," and totally GOT that I am a runner. He looked at the xrays I brought from September, and said the report was wrong. The report said the left ankle was normal, no damage. He said, not so. The ankle joint actually is ok, but the talonavicular joint has joint space narrowing (sign of RA) and a small erosion.

OK, hands up, who knew you even had a talonavicular joint?? But so cool, click here to see ALL your ankle joints in motion!

He was irritated that it had initally been read wrong, and said he might write the radiologist a note...I said, "Please, do it!" That's not the kind of thing I want misdiagnosed. And, yet, the first ankle guy I saw didn't mention it either. Hmm. But I trust this guy more. And he explained all kinds of things to me and answered all my questions, so I didn't even really mind that my 3:15 appointment didn't start unil 4:00. He did mention at the end that it was possible this was NOT an RA issue, but it is. I tried to explain that I couldn't explain, but I just knew. Then in my research tonight I found this that says it's actually a common joint affected by RA. I feel like my knowledge of my foot expanded about 100% today.

The talonavicular joint is what moves the ankle side to side. My up and down range of motion is pretty ok, but side to side I have little, it's very very stiff. Not a big deal for running and cycling, luckily! He didn't bat an eye when I said I've run a few marathons and am very active, whereas most doctors will sort of imply that I should give it up if it hurts. He didn't. He had a plan to try to accommodate me.

Anyway, here's what he said. He said if I really want the cortisone injection, he will do it...once. It's a tricky place to do it, and there are tendons and things in the way, but he respected my wish to try it and see. But he suggested first that I see the podiatrist in their group for orthotics that can actually take the pressure off and stabilize that joint. So I'm going back next Wednesday for that, and we'll see. Nice to know I can have the shot as back up. And as an extreme back up, that joint can be fused, meaning I would lose all side to side range of motion but shouldn't ultimately affect running. Not that I see doing that in the next 10 years, but I feel much better having all my options laid out and being told that it's my decision.

Cold run

After bailing out on the 9am run since only Sarita was going to join me (and she was easily pacified by the text, "Breakfast instead?"), and finding out that Jen's friend Nicole actually showed up expecting us to be there (I didn't know!), I did actually go running outside. I did about 2 miles on my own before meeting Sarita to run/walk another 2. It felt great. Better than the treadmill as I had no sense of my pace and it was nice to be out in the bitter cold. (The weather guy saying there was a wind chill of -7 in a nearby town was what turned me off this morning.) Seriously. My ankle was fine at first, definitely stiffens up after a mile or 2. Hope the doctor tomorrow will just give me the freaking cortisone shot. Even if not I'm hopeful I can get consistent with 2-3 miles a couple times a week. If the ankle hurts while running I won't do more than that. But I think I can do that.

2-3 miles used to not even be worth it.

He put me in the Wednesday group...

...with the fast people. I guess I was right on the border.

This is good...this is good....this is good....

I loved Jessica's comment on the last post: " For me, it kept getting even more fun every session because for a good loooooong time I had nothing to do but improve."

This apparently will be my new attitude.