Endometrial biopsy

Eh, no big deal. An HSG test hurt more and took longer. This was so quick (about 10 seconds, if that), I almost didn't need a sub for school (I taught my morning class, drove into the city, missed one class but made it back just in time for my afternoon lab). I liked the doctor who did it...he was very friendly, chatty, good sense of humor. Damned if I can remember his name, though. Insurance might even cover this too...meaning I am lucky enough to be spending more on NYC parking that on meds or the actual IVF procedure.

Round 2

Went into Manhattan this morning to do bloodwork related to co-culture. Tomorrow I go back for the biopsy. Then Saturday I start estrogen patches until I get my period and then it's clomid and whatever other drugs Ivan on this time. I think it is less of the injectables but the clomid is supposed to be kind of bad do... Trade off.

Ambivalence

As cycle #2 gets closer here's what I'm thinking.

First, I've decided to spend 30 days focusing on eating less, losing weight, being disciplined. It was precipitated by yet another bout of colitis...probably related to something autoimmune as it all turns out. I am on another drug for it (I think I'm taking over 10 pills a day now, including vitamins and supplements, plus my Enbrel shot weekly...I'm the healthiest sick person I know though) but so far, not helping. My only relief comes from not eating...which, of course, brings its own problems. So I've decided just to eat the minimum. Probably it's about what I was eating when I lost weight in 2006, maybe 1200-1500 calories a day. Pain is a good motivator. We'll see what happens...I'm on day 5 and doing well, feeling pretty good.

When IVF #2 starts in mid-March, I'll either have good abs going into the pregnancy, or good abs for summer. I think this is partly protecting myself, but I kind of don't even want to do the cycle. I'm happy with just Andra. I want another kid, but not another baby.
It isn't something I really feel able to think through thoroughly because I don't know what the outcome will be. To spend energy wondering what my life will be like with or without at this point isn't productive although I really want to. I just don't then want to choose which ending I want and then get the other.

Getting in a groove and it's over...

Second day of 3 miles in the morning. Plus some lifting and abs and stretching. Damn, and vacation is almost over.

Considering a little more the idea of getting a treadmill. The basement will be much cleaner after some time spent down there today, and this weekend we will move my old white iron twin bed into Andra's room (once we buy a boxspring) which will leave only her disassembled crib and some seasonal storage stuff. But largely the main room will be cleared and cleaned and there is plenty of room for a treadmill. I just figure...as important as the Y was to me for the last 6 years, it's just less so now. All the classes I used to take...I don't go because they are all at 6:30pm. Saturday is just TRX now, and I haven't even been in the pool in months (longer? a year?). There are weights and everything at school. I have the bike trainer in the basement, and a Jillian Michaels DVD I haven't actually opened yet. All my workouts are 40 minutes or less. My old trainer said she's going to again do an outdoor bootcamp when the weather improves (yeah, 6:30, but I'll manage to get there sometimes). And I think, just maybe, I could set my alarm for 5:15 to get in a 3 mile run a couple times a week if I knew I didn't have to leave my house. So I figure $1000 (aka a Y membership for a year) will get me something good enough, but I plan to go look tomorrow and just start thinking more seriously. I started thinking about this a while ago, but am more serious now.

Thinking more about upcoming IVF #2. My brother is having kid #2 in May, my other sister in law has started sort of trying (I think after our troubles, she realizes maybe waiting isn't the best idea, she's my age), all the people on Facebook...I'm not jealous really at all, I still contend that in the end if we only have Andra I'm good with that. (Maybe we'd adopt later, an older, 3-ish kid...part of me wonders if that's part of the plan for us.) But still, hard not to have a bit of baby fever. Hard to look at that disassembled crib in the basement and wonder how long it'll be there before we either need it or get rid of it. Hard to hear my mom keep saying it's time for another Christmas in Mexico (something we've done a few times), knowing maybe I'd be pregnant or with a newborn if this next cycle works (I still haven't told them anything).

Sigh. And while I'd be ok with a negative outcome eventually, that doesn't mean the next 2 or 3 months won't just utterly suck.

Oh, and my neck x-rays came back normal. They didn't do all the views the doctor wanted, even though I asked the tech, but...whatever. If there really is something that would show on those views, the doctor said it would be minimal given that the other views were fine.

Long time. Off this week for February break and expected good things in terms f working out but... Something always comes up. This time it was an RA flare in my neck and two toe joints. So yeah no running. It was better today, no prednisone or Vicodin but I still didn't make it to work out. I have had some good runs lately including a 5.5 miler that felt great although a repeat hasn't been attempted. I picked up some old issues of Runner's World trying to get inspiration back. Eh... Not yet. I do understand that there's a lot going on for me right now and am generally way more understanding of myself than i used I be with less of the guilt that I am just being a slacker. That is largely due to accepting that I am one though. I just don't have the focus or goals I used to and apparently don't want them that badly. That does make me sad.

In IVF news I got my period after a 42 day cycle and tentatively have my endometrial biopsy March 6. Then I would start stims that cycle mid march.

I got neck X-rays yesterday. My rheumatologist wanted them in June but I put it off because I didn't want anyone bad news and I didn't want to be in any more doctors' offices. Assume they will call me with results this week. Don't expect anything bad but I know it will show erosions. All the crunching I hear is the same I had in my wrists and ankle and they are damaged so.... No surprises but I guess good to have a baseline.

A new old blog to read

Found an old blog, one I bookmarked in 2008 while pregnant. I remembered it had something to do with infertility, so tonight while putting Andra to bed (it's easier if I stay upstairs with her, albeit in my own room) I looked at it again. Reading posts back from 2003; she was also DOR, and at least consulted at Cornell. She has two kids now, though I don't know if they used her own eggs or not. She's funny. At least as funny as one can be in this situation. I guess I'm mentally gearing up for round 2. I am supposed to call Cornell back when I get my period this month, but the month is ending and my BBT says I haven't ovulated yet on CD 26. Sigh. Nothing is easy.

Oh, and the RA is flaring today, in my jaw of all places. Hasn't done that since I was 18 (6 years before being diagnosed, though I recognize that as my first real symptom). And weirdly it's just the left side. Well, beats the neck or ankle.

I ran twice this week, 1.5 miles at about a 9:30 pace, a quick walk break, and another 1 at 9:15. Then just one mile before TRX last night, at 8:45. I keep reminding myself that I am not training for anything, so I don't need to go long or go fast, I just need to go.

Of course, I did tonight sign up for the Stamford Olympic triathlon July 1. So at some point, I will need to train.

Feeling "normal"

Have had some good 4 mi runs lately on the treadmill. Had a streak of 6-7 workout days in a row which hasn't happened in a while. Generally felt great this past week, almost what normal used to feel like. In the middle of a really busy week now, but trying to squeeze workouts in at school at lunch or whenever I can. Making it less of an option and more of a commitment. Planning to sign up for the local olympic triathlon July 1. I could be pregnant, but I could not. Not going to put another year on hold like I did last year. And at the moment, I see no reason why I can't do the full tirathlon, not just the aqua-bike I did in 2010. Nice.

No 10k Sunday but that was a good thing probably. My GI issues have been back since before Christmas so it is really hard to plan workouts. I getting a little better at squeezing them in when I can though. I got my bike tuned up this weekend and put it on the trainer in the basement Sunday. Rode easy for 40 minutes and enjoyed it. Last year mostly had it in the dining room but I am determined to get a nice table and chairs this year plus in the basement I can tell Andra I going to the gym, go out the front door and back into the basement from the backyard so I can work out in peace. Anyway it was a good workout and then I ran a bit today and Friday and did TRX Saturday so it has been a good run.

iPhone love

First post from my new iPhone. I love it. Seriously don't know why I waited so long?

I am thinking of running a 10k on Sunday. I am not in shape and won't run well or fast but I need fewer excuses and just more doing. I am not who I was but if I eer want to get back there even part way then I need to do something differently. Why not just do this without worrying about anything other than I want to want to do it. And lucky for me this one doesn't start til 10am! I wish it was a 5k as I haven't run longer than 4 mi in months but it isn't, there isn't a 5k nearby this month at all,and maybe doing the 10 will make me feel like I accomplished more.

I have quit reading some blogs I used to. Or rather I keep reading but quit commenting (but If you still comment here I am not referring to you!). I am sick of reading about people who haven't changed or faced any real hardships in the last few years. Don't get me wrong I would love to be on e of them but I am not. I want to read more about people getting through shitty times, probably to make myself feel better. Latest is I have this bunion that popped up on my left foot a fewonths ago and might be RA related but then again might not be (my mom has awful feet and the RA is from my dad's side nor hers). Hurts but then again nothing like the RA hurt.

Andra loves Watching Maisy videos on YouTube. Really glad she likes this and not some Disney princess shit.

Good Riddance

2011 - not my favorite year. 2006, 2008 and 2010 were much better...maybe it's the even years that are better. Here's hoping...

Running normalcy

Just did a great 30 minute treadmill run at school. No walking, went further than 3.1 (not much, but still), so I'm happy. Hoping that 3 miles is the new 2 (and the old 5, but...) and I can keep that up a few times a week. Still no long runs in the mix...maybe in the spring. Long as in 5-6, say. Nothing crazy. Did a TRX Saturday with a new instructor, as my old boot camp class is no longer, and my abs are still sore. So that's good.

Andra turned 3 yesterday...we had 3 days of celebrating, with a Thursday night trip to the bounce house place, Saturday cake with family, and Monday cupcakes at school. Andra is so much like me at that age...she doesn't talk to adults at school (though she plays and talks to the kids). I did the same thing...they made my mom watch me through a two-way mirror as I stood there with my hands in my pockets (still a habit) not talking to the teacher. So I keep telling the sisters she comes by it honestly...and she'll talk to them when she's ready.

Next time...

Talked to the doctor today. His take was that this cycle could have gone either way, he wouldn't have been surprised if I had gotten pregnant, but given the odds of any cycle working he wasn't surprised it didn't work. He wants to change two things for next time: the protocol, and adding co-culture.

The protocol will go from 450 follisitim and 150 menopur way down to 150 follistim and 75 menopur, keeping the estrogen priming and adding clomid.

The co-culture is basically a study they're doing that seems to show that with fragile eggs, growing the embryos alongside uterine lining cells really helps protect the egg and speed up the cell division (since I had one 4-cell, that could be important).

Talked at length to my friend Jessica tonight who had 2 failed cycles before going to Cornell for this same diagnosis, and who now has 3 kid under 3 thanks to or doctor. She was able to answer some questions and basically provide a lot of moral support and encouragement, so I'm ready to get back on the wagon in January, or whenever I can. The lab shuts down for the holidays until mid-January, so I might or might not be able to start right away in January with the uterine biopsy and EP. Worst case is I do that in early-mid February, and stims late Feb-early March. If I'm really lucky some of this could fall over my February break from school.

Officially a no.

Thanks for the comments...from those who have been through it, it helps.

Waiting for the no...

I had blood drawn Saturday morning at 8:45 for the pregnancy test. Despite being marked "stat," the results still haven't made it to Cornell. I am beyond pissed. Especially since I did break down and take a pee test Saturday night and it was negative. So, as I've known for a while, I am not pregnant, but not being told that definitively is so upsetting. Not sure what upsets me the most, not that it matters:
- Going through all that for nothing
- Having to go through all that again, and maybe again, for nothing
- Just not being pregnant
-Somewhat unrelated, but just that I am not who I was in 2006-9. I miss that person.

Spotting

Just like what I used to get a few days before my period. The nurse told me to bump up my progesterone to 1ml, from 0.5ml, and everything I read online says it means nothing, but...well, I'm preparing myself to be out. Guess I wait til Saturday to be sure, but...

Exhausted

But I'm pretty sure every symptom I'm having could just as easily be attributed to the progesterone shots as to pregnancy. Just have to wait til Saturday...

They're cooking

They put both embryos back today. One was 7 cells and above average quality. The other was only 4 cells, but was still growing, so there's hope. Got the pictures of them. Weird that that turns into a baby. Maybe.

I was right

4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized. Transfer Tuesday.

Four eggs retrieved

The trigger shot in my ass wasn't too bad, and the retrieval was today. They got four eggs. I'm assuming only 3 will be mature and that two will fertilize. Why? I don't know, it's just what I think will happen. So they call tomorrow to tell me that, then Tuesday I go in to have put back whatever there is.

I felt a bit like a fraud in there today...I was talking to two other women as we were waiting to go into surgery, and both of them have had multiple attempts. Not that that might not be me eventually...but I don't seem as emotionally invested as most others. I am, I guess, but I also am fascinated with the process. I like doctors and hospitals. And Cornell is a well-oiled machine so I have a lot of respect for the center. The other two women have had other attempts elsewhere, and their stories and implications that the other places were just interested in their money were disheartening. I can see that. But not here. I like the fact that they're a research institution, well-run, with smart doctors. So even though I only have four eggs, I have to remember that, a Jessica says, this is a magic Dr. Davis cycle, not just any four-egg cycle.

And the fact that the other place I was considering cycling probably would have cancelled my cycle, or at least come really close to doing so, makes me even more glad I am where I am.

But I'm not getting any hopes up yet.

Still waiting...

Still four follicles. The doctor today called them "pretty" and assured me that 4 is ok. I felt better. I also finally have the trigger shot almost in my possession. It didn't come with all the other drugs in the mail order, something about hcg being a controlled substance in NY and the doctor had to send a hard coy of the rx instead of a fax, but either no one told me or the doctor that or else they told me and I had no clue what they meant and just didn't realize it wasn't there. But I looked on Sunday night in my big box of drugs and no, not there. Mild panic. The did overnight the hard copy, but the mail order pharmacy still hasn't processed it, and I might need it tonight (though I'm thinking it will be tomorrow...because I'm such an expert in this...) so we had to go to plan B which was call it into a local pharmacy, local being a relative term in that the only one that stocked it is a 45 minute drive from here. My husband is picking it up there this afternoon.

Stress is getting to me. The logistics of the whole process. I don't think it would be bad it this were summer or I weren't a teacher but this is stressful. And of course the kids in my morning classes are asking where I've been, and I'm just saying that I have to have a minor surgery on Friday (which might be Saturday) and I have some doctor's appointments I need to go to in the mornings. Then of course they ask what for, and I just imply that it's none of their business, and then they look guilty, and we move on.

Still waiting.