Sunday, December 04, 2011

Waiting for the no...

I had blood drawn Saturday morning at 8:45 for the pregnancy test. Despite being marked "stat," the results still haven't made it to Cornell. I am beyond pissed. Especially since I did break down and take a pee test Saturday night and it was negative. So, as I've known for a while, I am not pregnant, but not being told that definitively is so upsetting. Not sure what upsets me the most, not that it matters:
- Going through all that for nothing
- Having to go through all that again, and maybe again, for nothing
- Just not being pregnant
-Somewhat unrelated, but just that I am not who I was in 2006-9. I miss that person.

6 comments:

Angela and David said...

I understand all of those frustrations. I also know there is nothing I can tell you that will make you feel better. I am terribly sorry. It sucks. Give yourself some time to grieve. This process takes bits and pieces of your soul and it's okay to grieve the loss of the baby you hoped those eggs would turn into and the part of you that seems to disappear as you go through the process.

Nitsirk said...

I haven't been through this myself but I did have a miscarriage before I was pregnant with my son and it was the worst feeling ever. I was miserable for quite a long time but eventually I bounced back. You will too. Hang in there.

RunningMama said...

Bah. I'm so sorry. I've been there. More times than I care to remember. The grief of failure comes and goes. I wish I could promise that this would work on the 2nd time for sure, but there are no promises in life...as you know from RA. It's a day at a time thing. Just allow yourself to feel any sadness. And, then, get back up on the horse again if you can. As for losing the person you were in 06-09, you may never get that person back. You may never be that naive again. But, you will be a new and weathered you and when you find joy again (you will! you are not an inherently unhappy person!) you will treasure it so much. I promise. There is much to be had in this life. (Of course, this is easy to say from the other side)

fancy nancy said...

I'm so sorry! It is such a frustrating process!

35life said...

I am so sorry. I totally know how you feel - all the mixed emotions. It sucks already knowing what you assume to be true, yet still having to wait for the final confirmation. Give yourself some time, things will get better.

N.D. said...

Just catching up Clare- I'm sorry to hear this. Hope you are doing ok. :( Hugs