Good Riddance

2011 - not my favorite year. 2006, 2008 and 2010 were much better...maybe it's the even years that are better. Here's hoping...

Running normalcy

Just did a great 30 minute treadmill run at school. No walking, went further than 3.1 (not much, but still), so I'm happy. Hoping that 3 miles is the new 2 (and the old 5, but...) and I can keep that up a few times a week. Still no long runs in the mix...maybe in the spring. Long as in 5-6, say. Nothing crazy. Did a TRX Saturday with a new instructor, as my old boot camp class is no longer, and my abs are still sore. So that's good.

Andra turned 3 yesterday...we had 3 days of celebrating, with a Thursday night trip to the bounce house place, Saturday cake with family, and Monday cupcakes at school. Andra is so much like me at that age...she doesn't talk to adults at school (though she plays and talks to the kids). I did the same thing...they made my mom watch me through a two-way mirror as I stood there with my hands in my pockets (still a habit) not talking to the teacher. So I keep telling the sisters she comes by it honestly...and she'll talk to them when she's ready.

Next time...

Talked to the doctor today. His take was that this cycle could have gone either way, he wouldn't have been surprised if I had gotten pregnant, but given the odds of any cycle working he wasn't surprised it didn't work. He wants to change two things for next time: the protocol, and adding co-culture.

The protocol will go from 450 follisitim and 150 menopur way down to 150 follistim and 75 menopur, keeping the estrogen priming and adding clomid.

The co-culture is basically a study they're doing that seems to show that with fragile eggs, growing the embryos alongside uterine lining cells really helps protect the egg and speed up the cell division (since I had one 4-cell, that could be important).

Talked at length to my friend Jessica tonight who had 2 failed cycles before going to Cornell for this same diagnosis, and who now has 3 kid under 3 thanks to or doctor. She was able to answer some questions and basically provide a lot of moral support and encouragement, so I'm ready to get back on the wagon in January, or whenever I can. The lab shuts down for the holidays until mid-January, so I might or might not be able to start right away in January with the uterine biopsy and EP. Worst case is I do that in early-mid February, and stims late Feb-early March. If I'm really lucky some of this could fall over my February break from school.

Officially a no.

Thanks for the comments...from those who have been through it, it helps.

Waiting for the no...

I had blood drawn Saturday morning at 8:45 for the pregnancy test. Despite being marked "stat," the results still haven't made it to Cornell. I am beyond pissed. Especially since I did break down and take a pee test Saturday night and it was negative. So, as I've known for a while, I am not pregnant, but not being told that definitively is so upsetting. Not sure what upsets me the most, not that it matters:
- Going through all that for nothing
- Having to go through all that again, and maybe again, for nothing
- Just not being pregnant
-Somewhat unrelated, but just that I am not who I was in 2006-9. I miss that person.

Spotting

Just like what I used to get a few days before my period. The nurse told me to bump up my progesterone to 1ml, from 0.5ml, and everything I read online says it means nothing, but...well, I'm preparing myself to be out. Guess I wait til Saturday to be sure, but...

Exhausted

But I'm pretty sure every symptom I'm having could just as easily be attributed to the progesterone shots as to pregnancy. Just have to wait til Saturday...

They're cooking

They put both embryos back today. One was 7 cells and above average quality. The other was only 4 cells, but was still growing, so there's hope. Got the pictures of them. Weird that that turns into a baby. Maybe.

I was right

4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized. Transfer Tuesday.

Four eggs retrieved

The trigger shot in my ass wasn't too bad, and the retrieval was today. They got four eggs. I'm assuming only 3 will be mature and that two will fertilize. Why? I don't know, it's just what I think will happen. So they call tomorrow to tell me that, then Tuesday I go in to have put back whatever there is.

I felt a bit like a fraud in there today...I was talking to two other women as we were waiting to go into surgery, and both of them have had multiple attempts. Not that that might not be me eventually...but I don't seem as emotionally invested as most others. I am, I guess, but I also am fascinated with the process. I like doctors and hospitals. And Cornell is a well-oiled machine so I have a lot of respect for the center. The other two women have had other attempts elsewhere, and their stories and implications that the other places were just interested in their money were disheartening. I can see that. But not here. I like the fact that they're a research institution, well-run, with smart doctors. So even though I only have four eggs, I have to remember that, a Jessica says, this is a magic Dr. Davis cycle, not just any four-egg cycle.

And the fact that the other place I was considering cycling probably would have cancelled my cycle, or at least come really close to doing so, makes me even more glad I am where I am.

But I'm not getting any hopes up yet.

Still waiting...

Still four follicles. The doctor today called them "pretty" and assured me that 4 is ok. I felt better. I also finally have the trigger shot almost in my possession. It didn't come with all the other drugs in the mail order, something about hcg being a controlled substance in NY and the doctor had to send a hard coy of the rx instead of a fax, but either no one told me or the doctor that or else they told me and I had no clue what they meant and just didn't realize it wasn't there. But I looked on Sunday night in my big box of drugs and no, not there. Mild panic. The did overnight the hard copy, but the mail order pharmacy still hasn't processed it, and I might need it tonight (though I'm thinking it will be tomorrow...because I'm such an expert in this...) so we had to go to plan B which was call it into a local pharmacy, local being a relative term in that the only one that stocked it is a 45 minute drive from here. My husband is picking it up there this afternoon.

Stress is getting to me. The logistics of the whole process. I don't think it would be bad it this were summer or I weren't a teacher but this is stressful. And of course the kids in my morning classes are asking where I've been, and I'm just saying that I have to have a minor surgery on Friday (which might be Saturday) and I have some doctor's appointments I need to go to in the mornings. Then of course they ask what for, and I just imply that it's none of their business, and then they look guilty, and we move on.

Still waiting.

Four

Is it normal to lose follicles? I had 4 this morning. Bigger (I didn't pay too much attention) but fewer. I asked when I might expect to trigger, and both the doctor and, later, the nurse, guessed Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. I have to go back in tomorrow...and Tuesday...and Weds...and Thurs. If I do the retrieval Thursday, I could actually have an entire day at work on Friday. I am trying not to feel guilty, but it's impossible. One class is affected a lot, another some, and the other two not at all until retrieval day, but...ugh. I was supposed to be observed Thursday (we have a new assistant principal...I haven't been observed in YEARS) but I cancelled that via email tonight. On top of all this, my husband is going out of town tomorrow morning through Wednesday night. Unless I trigger early, in which case he'll come home. But now I also have to juggle getting a kid to a school that doesn't open until 7:30, while simultaneously getting myself to school for a 7:30 bell, except of course I won't be there for the bell, I need to drive 45 minutes away to get bloodwork and ultrasounds done. We've recruited our neighbor to help, and Andra is on board with Mark (honestly one of Andra's favorite people around here) and Rosie (the dog) walking her to school tomorrow so I can at least get to the clinic right when it opens and hopefully only miss one class. The other days, since I'll be missing two classes (that's just how our schedule is) I figure I'll just drop her myself and get to the clinic a little later. Except of course if I trigger Tuesday then I have to be in Manhattan at 6:30 am for pre-op paperwork. So, Andra will come with me for that, because I am not asking a neighbor to watch her at 5:30 in the morning.

Oh, the fun of it all.

I will say that I still have no side effects. My husband has blamed something on "Oh, I guess you are getting side effects" because he said some dumb-ass thing that I actually responded to way less bitchily than normal and was able to let it go, but he couldn't.

Six

I had bloodwork and an ultrasound today. My FSH level from day 2 was 6.2. That's way down from 15.7, but it doesn't really mean anything. I also only had 6 follicles, 2 were bigger (12mm) than the others (10mm). Not exactly sure what normal is at this stage, but I know I'm way below normal.

So I wait to hear what the doctor says about medication doses this afternoon. My only thread right now is that, in my friend Jessica's words (same diagnosis, same doctor, 3 kids under 3 after 2 failed cycles elsewhere), I know this doctor isn't going to fuck anything up.

Sore

Ran 2 treadmill miles yesterday, comfortable 9:30 pace. Unbelievably sore today...hamstrings, hip flexors, even calves. Wow. I think it's been 2 weeks since I ran.

For anyone with RA who injects a biologic (like Enbrel), I'm finding the IVF drugs to be less painful to inject. Seriously...this is no big deal. (Waiting for lightning to strike...)

Haven't been working out since my week of tonsillitis. I did a 3 mile stroller walk Sunday, but other than that, nadda. Although you're not supposed to really exercise while on these meds, the thing the doctors worry about (gigantic grapefruit ovaries turning and twisting) I have a 0% chance of having happen since my ovaries are on their last legs. I'll be lucky to get a normal size ovary out of my mega doses of meds. So I don't feel like I have to not run or lift or anything, unless an ultrasound turns up something. But between illness, work, tutoring and 5pm darkness, it isn't happening right now. I'm not stopping or anything, just riding this out. I'll do what I can when I can but I can't do it all.

Head down, just get through the next 2 weeks.

No big deal...yet?

Not sure when people typically start to feel side effects from the meds? But I have none so far. I'm really hoping this is like pregnancy, where the 9 months of body distortion I feared was really more like 3 months. Maybe I won't really notice them at all...is that possible? At any rate, the 2 shots a day are no big deal. For my own records:

Final estrogen patch still on, til it falls off or they tell me to take it off.
450 (mg?) Follisitm
150 (mg?) Menopur

Go in for bloodwork Wednesday morning. Time to tell school I'll be out a lot over the next two weeks.

Start day

Went into the city this morning for my CD2 bloodwork and ultrasound. Today is the NYC marathon...although I was there earlier than the start and didn't really see anything besides a lot of blocked streets and traffic cops (Cornell's building is one street over from the course) I still felt sad, like will I ever really run for real again? But anyway...I have no control over that RIGHT NOW so I can't dwell.

The nurse just called and confirmed that I will start my injections tonight. I didn't let myself ask anything about my #s (FSH, antral follicle count) and she didn't offer. It doesn't matter and I don't want to make myself nuts, whether it is improved or not. Bottom line is, this is all a crap shoot.

Guess I need to tell someone at school that I'll be out a lot of mornings over the next two weeks...

Devil

Tonsillitis was probably viral so it didn't respond to the antibiotics. I started with symptoms on Thursday and felt better yesterday...8 days. Plus pink eye. I look like the devil.
The up side in all this was that the freak snow storm on Saturday cancelled school Monday and Tuesday (and gave us delayed openings the whole rest of the week!) due to all the power outages. Two towns over they cancelled school all week.

I started the estrogen patches last Saturday. Don't even notice them, no side effects. Just waiting for my period. Then the fun begins. I keep looking at the calendar my nurse mapped out for me, just a guide of course, and trying to figure out when everything will happen. Right now...the week of Thanksgiving. I still haven't told anyone official at school that I'll be missing some morning classes. Guess at this point I'll just wait til I start.

Tonsilitis

Second Z-pack of the season. Seriously? Twice in 3 weeks? Not fair. I went in to work today anyway since I'm going to be using a bunch of sick days soon for monitoring (or half-days at least). No working out. Went to sleep at 8:30 last night.

I start estrogen patches tomorrow, changing every other day until I get my period (probably in less than a week). Then the fun begins.

$15k of drugs on the way...

For the bargain price of $26 in copays. That part worked out. Cornell taking my insurance worked out. Now we just hope the baby part works out. I start the estrogen priming part of the protocol soon...within the next week or two. Then when my period starts the fun begins.

Lifted today. I've been lifting once a week or so, not long, just 30-40 minutes. But I've been lifting heavier, and focusing more on legs than I have in a while. I like it.

Tutoring picked up, expectedly, this past week (midquarter grades went out last week). I have 5 hours a week steady right now, which ends up being an extra paycheck a month. Less time to workout, I do feel more stressed timewise, but we need this. Even if we didn't need it, I would think we did...and we would, as savings and retirement savings are nowhere near where they used to be. But at least this keeps up afloat. And at least I don't have to shell out any money for IVF. Which, I know, is incredibly lucky.

I've also, the last 2 weeks, cut down on my daily prednisone dose. I'm down from 5mg to 2.5 a day. It was the sleeping on my stomach a few nights in a row that made me realize the RA has, at least for now, moved out of my neck. So I figured it was worth a try. The stuff is great when I need it, but of course I'd rather not be on it. So far so good with the lower dose...