Ran the last 3. No truck. Found out I really do go out too fast and need to watch it Saturday. Need to have a plan. Freaking out a bit, I think it's the taper that has me feeling like I've lost all my fitness and there's no way I can run 26.2 miles.

So I told Fred. His reaction was not unlike mine. Ok. Are you sure? Really? Ok. Really? Hmmm. Ok.

Got the ok from my doctor about running on Saturday. Also got some thumbs up from friends with kids who ran during their own pregnancies. I still feel normal. And this seems abnormal. But I can't complain. Ran Monday on the treadmill, did a few intervals, felt...normal. Maybe a bit apprehensive actually. Again, my mind is weaker than my body. Tomorrow is my last run (all of 3 miles...feels like nothing). As long as that truck doesn't come back to hit me again.

Surprise!

Ok, I'm writing this post knowing I can't actually post it for a little bit. Why? Well, yesterday (Saturday) I bit the bullet and bought a pregnancy test. All week I was kinda thinking maybe...I had an awesome run Tuesday, but Thursday felt like a truck had hit me. Again Saturday. I tried to chalk it up to the taper, thinking somehow the decreased mileage led to decreased energy, but that didn't explain a few other symptoms, so...I bought the test. Thanks to Melissa getting on my case (just kidding!) I peed on it Saturday, coincidentally right as Jen called to see if Fred and I wanted to go out to dinner with her and Matt (she will love knowing that when I tell her). I waited til I hung up to look, and, well, a definite plus. I sent Melissa a picture of it.

So I need to wait to tell anyone, including Fred (Melissa aside). I need to process. And umm, I have a marathon to run in 6 days! Now, I understand that maybe my under four hour goal isn't going to happen, and I'm fairly ok with that. But it might, and if the weather's not too hot and I feel good (ran today and didn't feel tired, so who knows), I won't NOT try. I'll just do what feels right, and stay open to the fact that I may mid-race decide I have to slow down (or stop). I trust myself. And it's already been established that my mind is MUCH weaker than my body so there's no chance of pushing myself too hard. But I don't want other people commenting on my choice. You know what? I'm 99% sure that the actual (I'm not being graphic here, promise) ovulation/fertilization took place the day I ran the 30k race on March 30. So this kid knows racing already.

So...this post will wait, though given that only about 7 people know about this blog (and I think only 2 read it), posting it here is still keeping it pretty secret. The real telling won't happen for a little longer. But if all goes well, this will be a Christmas baby. (Poor kid...I sense a lifetime of feeling very neglected on birthdays.)

PR's

Started to run an easy 4.5 mile loop I used to do often. Picked it up a bit when I realized I felt good. Picked it up more when I realized I could beat my best time. Beat it by a minute, for a 7:50 pace. Feels good to know I'm in the best running shape of my life.

Rode today, up Hill Street, a short but steep hill that used to scare the crap out of me. Today, I didn't need to stand up to climb it, and I wasn't even breathing tha hard at the end. Hmmm. Partly my cool new bike components, but must also be me. I like this.

"Who with rheumatoid arthritis DOES this?"

So I had to go to the rheumatologist today, just touch base and stuff. He still tries to tell me swimming is better than running, but I think maybe he believes me that I just feel BETTER when I run. I truly think the impact (which builds bones, especially, in a way swimming and even cycling can't) is good for my ankle, and I think weight lifting is good for my wrists. If it didn't feel right, like the best thing to do, I probably wouldn't do it, I would switch to swimming. But it feels right and I trust myself to know what I need (I trust him too, he's a good doctor, about things other than how I feel).

He asked how fast I was planning to run Nashville, and what average times were for runners. I told him, qualifying that breaking 4 hours is respectable but definitely not fast. Still, his response: "Who with rheumatoid arthritis DOES this?" Hey, use it or lose it. It's not really a choice. And like I told him, I may not be totally healthy, but I'm definitely NOT SICK. So why wouldn't I do this? It's like I told Dan at the gym after he told me my body fat percentage, and said it was average: I like to be above average in everything I do (or, actually, in the body fat case, below average, but same idea).

Last long run...check.

Did 20. No big deal. Not exactly fun, or fast, but DONE. Uneventful, and at this point that's just fine with me.

Passed a heavier guy out walking, fast, and I was thinking I was proud of him. Of anyone who sets a goal and works toward it. Fast or slow is irrelevant, dedicated is what wins. I sort of want to be less hard on myself. But I guess we're all harder on ourselves than we are on others. Stupid. But I did decide that I should do more triathlons. My big reason for not doing them is...surprise...the swim. Most people who don't do tris don't do it because of the swim. I shouldn't care how slow I am, or that I would be most comfortable (and least likely to drown) starting way at the back (and, so, finishing way at the back). I've signed up for one sprint in July, but am considering another plus an olympic (oh, yeah, and that Ironman some day in the future. Forgot about that one.).

One more.

Exhausted. No real reason. Slight fear in that my wrists are sore (probably from a ton of yard work I did today) and exhaustion usually precedes a flare. But could also just be anticipation of the 20 I must run alone tomorrow. Actually looking forward to it somehow. Did 10 Thursday, and even though it meant skipping Spanish class (couldn't get out of a meeting after school so it set me back an hour and a half), it was like oh, ok, gotta go run 10. No big deal. My first long run in this plan was 9, and that was a bit of a big deal at the time. When your long runs turn into your short runs, that means something. Felt good, fast, strong, confident, calm. Made me think tomorrow will be ok. Absolutely NO need to go fast (other than to get it over with), won't wear a watch. The worst part is getting started, deciding whether to set water out (I think I have to, the fuel belt is a necessary evil but won't be sufficient), and just...well, it's the whole showing up thing. The rest takes care of itself, but I have to show up. This is the last time, til the marathon.

A friend I'm getting to know better (through running, of course) has just committed to her first 5k in June. We've run together on the treadmill the last 2 Saturdays, and I've been impressed. She's just starting, but she's having fun pushing herself. I hope it sticks for her. Maybe it seems silly, but setting these goals for yourself (run for 25 minutes straight, get ass to gym 3 times a week, etc.) and accomplishing them is so satisfying. I haven't found anything besides fitness, and racing, that satisfies this need in me, this need to be disciplined and proud of myself and feeling like I am doing something to figure myself out.

Still waiting to hear if the HR guy will accept my appeal. If not, GO UNION! I've been told there's a precedent and I should get one day at least.

Is it worth it?

Irony. Today our HR guy denied my 2 personal days for the marathon. Unless I can get my principal to strong arm him (a possibility) or the union to fight it, it's going to cost me an extra $800 to run Nashville. The irony? 15 minutes after I got the deny slip in my mailbox, I had two of my students in my classroom waiting to interview me for their TV class about...my marathon running. Their timing couldn't have been better (or worse). It helps my case, but fuels my anger. Personal days are personal. He shouldn't even have known why I put in for them, other than he stopped me in the hall last week and, trusting idiot that I am, I told him.

In my classes on Mondays we have story time. There's nothing 14 year olds like more than talking about themselves, and they all get a chance to say what they did over the weekend on Monday mornings. It's done tremendous things for my class atmosphere, and my rapport with the kids. Sometimes I raise my own hand, and wait for a kid to ask ME what I did. Now that they know I'm training for another marathon, I don't even have to raise my hand...they ask. "How far did you run this time? Are you sore? I could never do that..." etc. And while they don't know my entire reasons for running, they know some, and like any good teacher, I get those life lessons in there. So it's doubly annoying that the fucker denied it.

At any rate, is it worth $800 to me to run it? Absolutely. And hey, since I still have my 3 personal days to take, now I get to choose 3 more days off (plus the countless sick days I've accumulated over 7 years), just because I can't let it go. I'll just make sure to take Wednesdays.

But, maybe something will come through. Once my pissed-off-edness wears off, I'll talk to the principal.