Wednesday, August 18, 2010

End of summer

This blog has started to become what my journal has...infrequent entries that read more like bullet points of things I don't want to forget. Oh well.

Working out...with vacations and heat waves, this didn't go as planned this summer, especially the last 2 weeks. Last workout was a 22 minute swim in Lake Huron 2 weeks ago. It was fun though! With this being the last week of summer vacation, my motivation is low. As always, I wish I could run. Biking alone just doesn't appeal, though I do enjoy it when I am out there. I haven't come to terms with not running yet. I did have that barefoot episode, but haven't done more. I haven't accepted that I will almost certainly never run distances again, and definitely never at my real speed. The appointment with the ankle guy in the city yesterday confirmed that. Surgery would alleviate the pain, but probably wouldn't cure my limp. So. The best I can hope for is that time will damage the joint more so that it hurts less (weird, yes) and that mentally I can be ok with going for a short run/limp and not having it count as a workout. But when I drive along my old running routes, I miss it. I guess more than that I miss who I was then. I miss the discipline, determination, focus. Life changes, that's fine, but...I guess it's like how I wish I could go back to college again. Can't. Done. That's over. But, I still miss it.

Plan to post pictures soon...we were just in Michigan for a week with my brother, niece, and parents. Then Andra and I took the train to Chicago (4.5 hours) for an overnight with my friend Jessica and her kids. That was a blast...another nostalgia though. Jessica was my first mom friend here in CT, and then she moved back to Chicago just a year later (this past March). Major bummer. Especially since our kids actually sort of PLAYED together. Her daughter has some of her husband's antisocial qualities and tends to not like other kids. Or at least that's what Jessica says...the woman tells FUNNY stories about her family. I miss that honesty!!! Plus it makes me like her kid...right now, I pretty much don't like other people's kids. Ever. (Yes, I am a teacher.)


Nitsirk said...

That stinks. I kind of know how you feel. I felt that way about my post-partum self. I missed the "old" fit me. Obviously my situation was temporaty so not the same thing but I sort of get it. I hope that you can find some mental peace. It really sucks to not do what you love, especially when that thing has come to be part of who you are.

Michelle Simmons said...

I'm laughing at your comment about how you don't like other people's kids... I remember my first year teaching (3rd grade) and looking around that class and thinking, "I wouldn't want a single one of you as my own kid..." Lol.

That is such a bummer about not being able to run though... the worst part has got to be knowing that it isn't just 'temporary'. You know, like normal injuries and pregnancy and sickness or whatever that cause us not to be able to run... but we can look ahead and think that there will be a time when we're all better and will be able to run again. I'm sorry. I can imagine that's really hard. :(

Angela and David said...

That sucks about hte running. Your attitude is much healthier about it than mine would ever be. It seems like you are in morning of the loss and I think that's a healthy step in the process (look at me acting like I know anything at all).

And your comment about kids is so honest and funny. I always think that when I pick Zach up from daycare. With the exception of one or two kids, I think the rest are whiny brats and I couldn't imagine if they were mine.

LT said...

Hi - I'm 27 and was recently diagnosed with RA - I've been following your blog for the past couple months and have found it both comforting and inspiring. I used to be a runner. I'm glad to hear that I'm not abnormal (or at least not alone) in how sad it makes me not to be able to do it anymore. I try to avoid my old routes, and am actually looking forward to winter when I won't have to see so many other runners out there doing what I can't (it's like running into an old boyfriend who you never quite got over with his new girlfriend - more painful than it seems like it should be). Anyway, I think your courage and determination are really wonderful, and am grateful that you're out there and willing to share your experiences :-)

WendyBird said...

Your attitude is so great! If my foot injury turns out to be a permanent loss of running, I'm not sure what I will do. Cycling scares me to death.
My mom is a retired elementary teacher, she can't stand kids either, LOL (accept her grand kids and a select few of their friends :-)

DC Running Mama said...

Not having been able to run much in the past few months, I only have a small inkling of the grief that happens when you lose something that you define yourself. When we face these challenges, we have to chose to reinvent to survive and flourish. I hope that you can find a new way to feel that rush and discipline again. Although, I must say that running was the closest thing I ever found. I did like biking though. I loved biking out on old country roads with just my thoughts and the scenery. But, it doesn't have the portability that running does. 'Cause I'm trying to get all zen and everything these days, I just bought a book on self-renewal by John Gardner. I'll let you know if it is worth reading.