Oprah...and no nap

So after sitting Andra in her bouncy seat in front of the dishwasher (which by the way had CLEAN dishes in it as I ran it this morning, but never emptied) because the girl NEEDED A NAP (serious meltdown), I turned on Oprah. (I really meant to finish a book from the library that I checked out in February and have renewed twice already.) The show is about motherhood! And how so many women have overblown expectations.

I don't think I had unrealistic expectations. I don't have the need to be perfect, to have the perfect kid (although of course I do!), to stay on the perfect schedule. My husband will affirm that our house is not particularly clean, and I don't cook much or well. And that's all ok with me. My priorities are 1) happy kid (preferably one who NAPS, though sleeping 10-12 hours at night is good enough), 2) working out (I'm ok with maintaining right now, even though I wish I could do 2 hour workouts and be as fit as I was when I got pregnant). Everything else just has to fall into place, and if it doesn't...eh, well, it just has to.

I remember freaking out while pregnant about how things would change, about how my priorities would change, what if I couldn't work out or hang out with friends? And some people told me that those things just wouldn't matter to me then. It's sort of true. You sacrifice things, but it doesn't really feel like a sacrifice. It's a choice - and so far I haven't felt badly about having to miss out on things. "You can't get back there." They just said that on Oprah, referring to your pre-mommy life. You have to reinvent yourself. That sounds a little dramatic, but I think it's definitely true for some aspects. Your self image does change. And it's not a bad thing. There's just SO MUCH about motherhood that you can't prepare for, you just can't imagine it AT ALL until you go through it. From being pregnant (SO much better that I would've anticipated), to labor (OUCH, who'd have thought pain like that existed and that you really could forget how much it hurt?), to not minding a little creature sucking on your super sore nipples (yeah, I would never have believed I'd still be breastfeeding)...it's endless. You just have to be open to what comes and learn to roll with the punches. If you don't...well, then you end up on Oprah telling the world how all your dreams and expectations were dashed. Which is part of the reason I don't beat myself up that I can't get past 6 miles running. Physically I could (if there were enough bathrooms along the course...that's another story). Mentally, an hour away is enough. Maybe, as Andra is getting older, if I didn't work I could do it (and hope to this summer!). But after 8 hours away, dealing with work and getting up at 5:30 am, working out some is enough. I don't have the option of working part time. So I have to work out part time. It's the way it is, no purpose in assigning it a "good" or "bad" label. I do wish I could fulfill the unrealistic workout expectations I had for after baby, but... for now I have to be ok with the status quo.

I went to a spinning class today...first one in like 6 months, or more. It was too easy. Partly because my heart rate monitor wasn't in my gym bag when I got there, so I didn't have that info to make me push myself harder, and partly because I expected it to be hard so I held back. It was good still, and FUN to be doing that again. I can go at least twice more this week, and I will.

Andra's nap lasted 26 minutes. It took at least that long for her to fall asleep to begin with. I sense another meltdown in 2 hours for bedtime...

RA Update...Not Much

I think my wrists have gotten stronger. I've noticed, since having the baby, that I can do pushups better, side planks on my hand (instead of just my forearm), bicep curls with heavier weights...they still don't bend much, but I do think they're stronger then before. And the ankle brace I wore for my left ankle, I haven't even seen since giving birth. The only anti-inflammatories I take now are for my Achilles/heel.

The WebMD thing still doesn't have my piece up. They emailed my a couple weeks ago for pictures of me running to add to it, so I know they're working on it. I am getting impatient though!

I bought some hair bows for Andra off of Etsy. I wasn't sure I'd like them...but I do!

Spring Break

Three more hours of work, then a week off! Another reason my job works.

We've had either my mom or my mother in law here for the last 5 weeks (minus a few weekend days) and while it was a tremendous help getting me back to work, we're ready for the house to ourselves again. I can't wait to hang out with Pickle for a whole week!!!

Two!

Somehow I got in 2 workouts today. I lifted at school during my free lunch period (enough time to pump and work out...eating, not so much!), and when I checked my email later Jessica said she was going to take Kate out in the BOB around 4 at Cove Island. The Cove is a city park/beach with a mile long flat jogging trail, mostly paved. I somehow made it there on time and we did a nice and easy 3 miles, talking the whole time. It was fun and both girls were so good, and the weather was just perfect.

I like having mommy friends. Sometimes I can feel a little overwhelmed, for instance today I just wouldn't have gone out on my own for a run because there's a 50/50 chance that Andra will scream bloody murder when I put her in the car seat. Since I told Jessica I'd meet her, I had to just suck it up and tell Andra to get over herself, which she quickly did. Sometimes I am a little afraid of the meltdowns. I hope she grows out of them.

Sweet Sleep

So the little Pickle seemed pretty cranky yesterday. New Grammy to play with this week, and I think she was a little confused. Not to mention she's not a good napper anyway these days. So the little crankpot ate around 5:30 and then I put her in her PJs, and she was asleep in my arms by 6. I didn't think it would last, but at 6:30 I put her in her crib, zipped her into her blanket, and crept away. Around 8 I realized she really was out for the night, but I was worried she'd wake up too early and be hungry, not to mention I hadn't changed her diaper since 5. So I changed her and fed her a little, and she never even opened her eyes. Woke up on her own around 6:15 this morning, right on time! This was the first night she slept unswaddled (although I tucked her arms into her sleepsack rather than putting them through the armholes).

The girl loves her 12 hours of beauty sleep.

(Yeah, I know I am about to be proven wrong. Teething, bad karma for bragging, it'll get me I'm sure.)

Happy Birthday...

..to me! 34. Tonight's the last night my mom's in town (til mid-Arpil when she returns for 2 weeks) so she gets to put Andra to bed (sort of) while Fred and I go to dinner.

I'm at school now. It's my free period, which is also over lunch, and it's 60 degrees and sunny out, so I should be out for a run. But, instead a kid is making up a test and I'm here. No worries, I plan to run with the BOB later. I haven't run with it much AT ALL lately, so it'll be good for me.

A few of the bloggers I read are struggling with going back to work post-baby. Today I went down to talk to an English teacher who is due Wednesday, and today is her last day. It all got me thinking about where I am and what we're doing.

I had mild panic over going back to work during the month of February. I didn't have a clue how I'd get out the door by 7am, showered and dressed. Thank god my mom came. Now I'm having mild panic about how it will be when she's gone, but I also realize that if I just take things as they come everything works out. Being back at work for a month now, it's all good. I love my job, still. I'm not the horrible teacher I thought I'd be. Luckily, this is my 8th year and I know what I'm doing so my prep time is minimal. I don't waste as much time at school (umm, today being an exception!) so I get a lot of my grading done before I leave (I also grade while I pump!). Working out is suffering, and I don't like that, but I also am telling myself that it will get better as the weather improves and that summer (and twice a day workouts) are right around the corner. I feel a little like I'm missing out on Andra, but since I'm home by 3pm most days, and I see her for an hour before I leave (even though it means walking her up at 6am), it's not terrible. She absolutely adores my mom, she's a fantastically happy baby (at least until bedtime), and there are no indications that she misses me at all (ok, mixed feelings there!). I was really shy as a kid, and my husband and I are still quiet people. I want Andra to be more social than we were as kids, and daycare will provide that. Other teachers here have told me how their kids have thrived in day care socially and academically. Is it better than being home with mom all day? Maybe not, but it reminds me of the whole breastfeeding/formula feeding debate; both are fine, what matters is what works for you and your family. I think Andra and I will love the daycare I chose. We'll find out in May hopefully, as the plan is for her to spend May and June there. If things don't feel right, I can always re-evaluate. While I liked being home on leave, I think Andra is doing great on more of a schedule, which I wasn't able to implement (if she cried, I fed her...now she eats 5 times a day and has a solid bedtime). I like having my job identity still. I like Andra being able to be fed from other people, I like the idea that she's not 100% dependent on just me. At 3.5 months, she's so different from how she was at 1 month, or 2, or even 2.5. I think that as she gets older, I will feel even better about "leaving" her at daycare (until the clingy stage, which I think isn't for a while).

Anyway, I think I wanted to put that down on "paper" for my own peace of mind. Now, if I could only (WOULD only) eat better...

Lunchtime run

I tried to upload a cute video of our chatty little girl. For some reason I can't, but the link is here. And another of her (with a surprise at the end...) is here. (You'll see why the kid wears a bib 24/7.) We had the best weekend. Andra is apparently capable of sleeping 11+ hours straight at night (and going 12 hours without eating) which puts her in a fabulous mood for at least the first half of the day. We need to work on naps still, but...not bad.

I ran today at school, during my free period. Luckily it was over lunch, so I got an extra 25 minutes to pump, change my clothes, and take a super quick shower after. (I still managed to keep sweating, and need to plan for a better outfit to get me through the last 2 periods without looking completely drippy and gross.) I did 3.5 miles - .5 warmup, 1 at 7:30, .5 at 10:00, 1 at 7:00, .5 cooldown. I just put a couple new songs onto my iPod (and managed to remember to bring it) and I loved running to Billy Joel's "Downeaster Alexa." Weird maybe, but I am not known for having any taste in music. It worked though... And, my Achilles was fine. Not perfect, but fine, and I am not limping now. So it's back to "normal."

I have a 3 mile race in 3 weeks (the one where I just missed winning a chocolate bunny last year). A PR is possible...maybe not likely (I remember how awful it felt to run that hard last year and how much I wanted to quit) but definitely possible. I'm going to do a 5k in April also because I know I can PR in one. I guess the bar isn't set that high (same with my 4 miler 2 weeks ago), but I'll take anything I can get now. I do keep thinking though, if my running is pretty good for the shorter distances now despite not doing any long runs, imagine if I hadn't gained 10 pounds since giving birth! Ugh.

Tomorrow = legs after school. I miss my real gym, but the fitness center at school totally gets the job done!

Legs and Heels

I did a fairly intense leg workout at school today last period. I haven't trained my legs is a while...I am anticipating serious soreness tomorrow. Yippee!

I ran 2 miles Tuesday on the paved paths at the beach. My right leg with the sore Achilles felt completely dead...there was NO bounce, spring, anything in my step. It felt like I had a flat tire. So I'm taking a full week off from running and jumping and we'll see how it is next week. I'm keeping up the lifting, and I know I should get my ass on the bike trainer (I have zero excuses other than it's hard to work out in my house during the day because Andra doesn't nap, and after she goes to bed I just don't want to). I am trying to stretch my hamstrings and calves (gently) multiple times a day. I should go see our trainer at school (I actually saw her today but we spent a few minutes catching up and I totally forgot I wanted her advice). I know it's an old Achilles injury, but the thing that hurts is actually the sides of my heel bone (calcaneus). I had this problem in 8th grade (even though I never knew its name) and honestly this feels the same, like I have huge bruises on my heel. It hurts to put shoes on (though it's fine once they're on), I pretty much limp all the time while walking, and no way can I go up on tip toe on my right foot. So yeah, running isn't easy. And I want it to be easy, so I'm willing to wait to see if it will feel better.

My WebMD piece is in the works...I just had to email them some pictures and sign a release, and I know the editors are working on it.

PR

8:18 pace officially (33:16), 8:13 by my watch (32:52). Close, but I did it! 7:56, 8:30 8:22, 8:02 were approximate splits. Felt good! I've run a 10k faster (8:08 pace) but I ain't complaining.

Pickle

Even if the race sucks tomorrow, I win. Check out Pickle!!!

Confidence?

I had last period free today and planned ahead to bring my gym stuff to school. We have a great fitness center (though clearly designed for 300 pound, 18 year old football players) with 3 OK treadmills. I cranked out 4 miles no problem, 3 of them (after a warm up) at 8:19, 8:19 and 7:56. As usual, I could have gone longer if not for the "stomach issues" that seem to plague every PM run lately (another reason I prefer treadmills for now). Seriously, the pace felt easy. I wish I'd been wearing my heart rate monitor, just to know. But if the Achilles is OK and my "stomach" is OK, I wonder if my A goal shouldn't be sub-8 minute miles. I kind of think this is that post-pregnancy thing where my increased blood volume makes me seem more fit than I really am. If I can do sub-8's, it won't be because I earned them. I kind of feel like I'll be on performance enhancing drugs...just pregnancy ones. Of course, let me see if I can even run a decent race before I go shooting it down. And I guess I should remember that I have been doing speedwork, if not long runs, for 2 months.

Anyway, it was great to remember that I can run at school before I come home, or even during a free period. My last period classes might just have to get used to me teaching all sweaty and in workout clothes. (Come to think of it, most of them wouldn't even notice. Teenagers.) It will save 20-30 minutes versus driving to the gym, and actually soon enough it should be warm enough that I will be able to run outside. (Umm, today, 43 degrees wasn't warm enough. I have become such a weather wimp.)

Elusive 8

The 8 mile run I planned for Sunday, in the nice warm weather, ended up being a 5 mile run, 2 mile walk in the rain with a tight, sore Achilles and a serious need for a bathroom around mile 4. Oh well.

I'm running a 4 mile race Sunday. I want to PR, despite few long runs. I have been running, and doing probably more speedwork than usual, but definitely lacking in endurance. My only other 4 miler was an 8:21 pace that included some walking in the last mile due to a bad side stitch (because I went out way too fast for what I could handle). So the bar isn't that high and I might be able to do it. B goal is 8:30, C is...well, I don't want to set a C goal too high, so I'll say 8:59! I also plan to run the course again (much slower) with my friend who's doing the half with me. She hasn't been running long either. So assuming my Achilles holds up and everything else falls into place, I'll do 8.

The Achilles injury is from a partial tear while playing soccer 7 years ago. That combined with pointy heels that cause the tendon to rub constantly, and with a lack of stretching and (my theory) post-pregnancy hormone changes makes for a sore heel.

I do find it kind of ironic that with a chronic disease like RA, the thing that's holding me back (physically at least, let's not talk mentally) is an injury.

The WebMD series has started to be put up online. My segment isn't up yet but they are adding a few new ones every week. I will definitely post it when it's up, assuming I don't sound or look too dumb.

I can't believe I haven't posted any pictures of the Pickle lately. We have some great ones that are still on the camera but haven't made their way to the computer yet. Here's a cute one from like 3 weeks ago.

Settling in and eating like crap

First week was a success. The second day was the hardest, as I had major guilt Tuesday night. But it's all been smooth. My mom just adores Andra (and vice versa it seems) and really seems to have the same instincts as I (probably no coincidence there). Andra figured out the bottle, I've been able to pump almost enough for the 2 bottles she takes while I'm gone (and should have enough starting Monday), she seems to be on a schedule of taking a 3 hour nap every late morning, and bedtime is becoming more consistent. I managed quick workouts (core class Tuesday, 3 quicker (2 at 8:00) miles Wednesday, off Thursday, lifting Friday. That's been possible this week because classes ended earlier and I could do that and still get home by 3. Next week the normal schedule will be back, and I'll have to figure that out.

The whole weight thing is bothering me. I weigh now what I did when I was 5 months pregnant. And it's completely because I am not paying any attention to what I eat. Or how much. And it doesn't help that 2 kids brought me homemade cookies last week, and the girl scout cookies were delivered. I don't FEEL fat...most of my clothes fit (except a few pants that barely fit when I was at my thinnest, and some tighter shirts that the boobs don't fit into...guess they ARE a little bigger). I have been doing a lot of lifting and I know I am STRONG right now. I just wish I cared enough about my eating. I keep having these deadlines of sorts...like, I'll eat better when I go back to school (not so far), when my mom leaves, when the weather is warmer and I can be running outside more (I don't like taking Andra out when it's in the 30s) and more consistent in my workouts, when I stop breastfeeding (June maybe? 6 months?). Excuses all of them. I just don't WANT to focus on that, I guess. Which is ok, but I also don't want to go all the way back to where I was 3 years ago when I didn't work out much or eat well. And I'm half way there, so it's a little disconcerting. It takes such a dedication, especially when my husband and I don't like to eat the same way. He just declared that he didn't like chicken any more, and that the way we cook is too bland. He likes lots of olive oil on his vegetables, I like steamed. But if he cooks (and especially these days I just can't be bothered), he cooks his way. And I just eat.

Anyway, it's on my mind but not enough yet to take action. I just hope I do something before the scale goes back over 160. And at 155, it's getting close.

Planning to run 7-8 miles tomorrow...temps in the 50s, and I think I committed to running a half marathon in Central Park with a friend at the end of April. So my 5 mile "long" runs aren't exactly going to cut it! Although I won't be worrying at all about my time since I haven't exactly trained. But I need a swift kick in the ass, so hopefully this will be it.

First day

I survived the first day ok. Didn't have to go in early, so even though I got up and did the routine so I could see if I could get out the door by 7, I stayed and snuggled with Andra until 9. She did fine with my mom, and I was home by 2:45. I pumped at school (this will be what I do at lunchtime now). I was mean to my first class (they were horrendous to the sub and in general are just little twits) and made them scared and sheepish, and then I was nice to my next class because they're good kids. That's really all I did today, teach 2 classes (and before that, figure out what the hell I'll be teaching for the next couple weeks and get copies made, etc.), because the morning was testing for the 10th graders and we only had a few classes in the afternoon. That's the plan through next Tuesday. I only have to be in by 7:30 on Thursday and next Tuesday.

I did go to the core class tonight. I think I'm going to give it up for a while though. It's at 6:30, meaning I don't get home til 7:45. Bedtime lately is around 7:30. Andra tends not to nap during the day, which makes for a cranky baby come 6:30 or so, and in general I feed her more often. So she just cries if I'm not there (and even if I am sometimes). And since I'm the only one who can put her to bed (or, rather, my boobs are), it complicates things. I guess we could give her a bottle at night, but I'm not ready to do that because she will now be getting them during the day and I guess I just want to nurse her as much as possible still. I'm ok with giving up the class (until she's a little older), but the thing with a class is I'm more likely to get there. If I do have to go on my own, I'm more likely to bail because I'll feel bad spending more time away from her. And yes, I know the whole thing about how I need my own time and to keep working out because it is for me, etc. But that doesn't make it easier. So the next few weeks are going to be tough. I'll be away from Andra for 8 hours (7-3) most days, 9 if I go to the gym right after school. I'm thinking that I'm going to try to get her to bed at 7 (so asleep by 7:30) and just go then, twice a week. I'll take one day off, and maybe once it warms up I can run with her twice. And the bike trainer? I used it twice the week I got it and not since.

Argh. Trying to figure out how to fit workouts in without taking more time away from her (which is impossible) is very stressful.

Snow day!

Never have I wanted a snow day as much as today. Not even when I was a kid. I was waking up every hour and 15 minutes on the dot last night. I'd get up and check Andra and then lie awake for a little bit worrying that it wasn't snowing enough. At 5am my phone rang with the message that in fact there WAS enough snow! Nice. So I spent the day sort of showing my mom the ropes. I decided to have her try the bottle for the 2 feedings I'll be gone for. The first was weird...I wanted to give her 2 ounces of formula, then burp, then 2 ounces of breastmilk. Well, the formula was fine, she chugged it, but once she had time to think about it, I think she was confused and mad about the breastmilk in a bottle. That didn't work, she cried and then went to sleep for a little bit. (She and I seem to share the personality trait where we get overstimulated easily and the best defense from that is sleep.) I nursed her about an hour later. Then a few hours after that we tried the bottle again, I think it was 2 ounces of formula mixed with an ounce of breastmilk, no breaks! It worked fine, she chugged it all at once and then passed out. My mom is good with her (though slightly annoying when I'm around too, but...) and took my suggestions for what to do when she starts fussing, versus real crying. Except for the fact that I just don't want to go, I feel fine about going in to work tomorrow. Luckily it's state testing week so our schedule is all weird. I have to proctor the tests for 4 out of the next 6 days, and I managed to make tomorrow one of the days I don't -meaning, there is no hurry to get into school since the tests don't end til 11 and my first class (out of just 2 per day this week!) isn't til 11:25. So I think I'll get up as if I had to go, feed Andra earlier than I have been, and see how long I think it'll take me to get out of the house. But I won't actually leave til 9:30 or so, so I can feed her again before I leave. I'll be home by 3, so it's max 6 hours I'll be gone. I've left her for 3 hours before, no problems, I just think LEAVING is going to be hard!

Didn't work out today. Will try to keep up my Tuesday core class even though it will mean another hour away. But...I know I need to.

Pit in my stomach

If we don't have a snow day tomorrow I really will cry. If we do, I'll put off the crying til Tuesday. My mom flew in today. I know Andra will be fine. I was out for 3 hours today (tutoring and the gym) and I was fine (she slept) but how on earth will I concentrate on a JOB? And deal with little whining dumbasses (sorry) all day? I am going to be so mean, they'll WISH they had their substitute back.

Today at least Andra decided a schedule will suit her just fine. She ate at 7:30 when she woke up, 10:30 before I left to tutor, slept the whole 3 hours I was gone (my husband apparently can make her nap...I can't), ate at 2, 5, and 7:30 when I put her to bed (fell asleep around 8:15). She was a little fussier and cried a bit more when I put her down...everyone tells me she won't sleep through the night tonight, that she'll sense that something's up. That's fine, I doubt I will sleep either. At least not til 5am when I get the phone call telling me NO SCHOOL. (Please.)

At the gym, I ran another 5. 3.5 at just under a 9 min pace, which felt easy except my legs do start to feel heavy. Then I had to take a quick bathroom break and came back to run 1 7:30 mile and then a slow .5 to end it. It felt great, really. Despite weighing in at 156 this morning (halfway between pre-preg and heaviest pregnancy weight) I feel the same. I have more of a tummy pooch than I did even 8 weeks ago, and I need to find my body glide (ouch, chafing...), but I feel strong and not too slow. Slower than pre-preg, but defintely nothing to get upset about. I'm planning to do a 4 mile race in 2 weeks, which will be a good gauge. And maybe a half marathon at the end of April, just as an incentive to get my long runs...well, to get them to actually be long.

Ok. Off to think snow. And not school. If I think school too much I will puke. Really.

Five...

5 miles on the treadmill at the gym today. Mixed up the speeds a little but average was around 9:20 pace. Easy cardio-wise, but my legs and weird near-uterus muscles start feeling it around 3 miles. Plan to hop on the trainer tomorrow morning for 30-40 minutes and take the core class at night. Getting anxious about going back to work, still don't know how I'll get out the door by 7am. Thank god my mom comes Sunday.

Oh yeah, MUSCLES.

Not going to stress out about not running "enough" these days.

I work out in some fashion just about every day. I just got a trainer for the bike this week so now I can do cardio at home for those days the gym or a run outside won't happen. (I would prefer a treadmill but this fit the budget a lot better.) And I really like lifting weights. A strong upper body matters to me more now than setting PRs this year, even though my ego wants to be able to say I got faster after pregnancy. I'll settle for being stronger.

Just trying to give myself permission to change my goals. I'm not abandoning all goals, just going for one that is more attainable. I'm just not finding time to do long runs, at least in this weather, with the BOB, and once I go back to work I think I just won't want to go out for 1.5-2 hours to run. I'll still run, just more for fun, or shorter distances (I still want to do speed work). And if I bike more or lift more than I run, I want to feel good about that and not lament the fact that I'm not running. Lifting makes me feel...strong.

Um, geez, this shouldn't surprise me. Consider the title of my blog!

Definition

The coveted vein in my biceps is back. Which surprises me. I have been lifting more and I have been sure to do more biceps than usual. But my body fat is up too. Maybe it's lower body though, hips and stomach, and my upper body has escaped it.

When I was lifting today, my friend was training a client (older guy) and when he went to get water she told me that he had commented on my being a "strong woman." Is it too early to take Andra to the weight room and expose her to this good body image stuff???

Sunny day run

Ran 5.5 miles today, a cold, bright, sunny, perfect day for running. I pushed Andra for one 1.5 mile loop, Fred pushed her for the second, and then I did a 2.5 mile loop to finish. I was in such a good mood, just being out there, running sometimes with friends and sometimes by myself. When I got back to the parking lot and Fred said Andra was "going nuts" crying, I surprised myself by just going with the flow and not getting annoyed or frustrated (with one or both of them!). I realized then how important running is, and will be, to my sanity.

The first 4 miles felt great, the last 1.5 a little harder (I pushed from 3-4 miles). I still feel muscles/ligaments/something around my uterus/groin that I didn't used to feel pre-pregnancy, so things are good but not totally normal still. Fine for where I want to be now, slowly building up my long run. I hope to do 6 next week and soon be doing 8 at least twice a month. My next half isn't until the end of June, so I don't really feel the need to push the distance yet. I should still be focusing on weights. I have 2 more weeks til I go back to work, so I should take advantage of that because it could take me a couple weeks to get into a new routine in March.

Playgroup

So it's something every mom should do at least once...go to a playgroup. Through our YWCA, I found one for moms (face it, these things are not designed for the babies) of babies around Andra's age. 5 of us ended up on the emails, and we met today. It was just over a mile from my house, but - and this is so important to understand - in a different town. I live in the "city," playgroup was in the "suburb." The rich suburb. So I was doubly skeptical, but as my husband kindly pointed out to me that I was going in determined to hate it, I tried not to roll my eyes as I walked in and met these women. (They were all there before me, I walked over with the BOB since it was relatively nice out and I wasn't thinking I was motivated enough to go to the gym today - though I did lift weights some at home this morning).

I was underdressed. How does one underdress for playgroup? Well, for starters, I didn't have my 12 carat engagement ring on. Or my 6 carat diamond earrings. And silly me, I forgot to tell my housekeeper to pick up my $350 jeans from the dry cleaners. Andra looks cute, but is also not wearing designer clothes (not at the rate she's been spitting up lately!). One of the first topics of conversation is about furniture and things their designers have picked out (most of these women are fairly new to the area). Only one woman was remotely chubby (she was the nicest one). Obviously none of them buy baby things used on Craigslist (I will admit I did wonder if it would've been worth it to buy a new swing, the used one I got is older and not nearly as nice as the one I saw today). Even the mom who was a personal trainer seemed fake (she was, of course, the only one who worked).

At any rate, once Andra started to smell (major poop confirmed a little later at home), and after she raspberried some of her spit-up all over the fancy coffee table, we made our exit. Clearly she was as unimpressed as I.

We won't be going back...

On other notes, I ran 4 miles on the treadmill yesterday after some weights. This is the first time I've passed 3.5 miles on the damn thing since...well, probably October. I've run farther outside, but not in.

Funny faces

I took these pictures 2 weeks ago. Such a little pickle!







The last picture show how much her hemangioma has changed in 2 months. Barely visible on day 1.

Doctors

We went into the city today to have Andra's hemangioma evaluated by a dermatologist our pediatrician recommended. We had the consult, then were told that the office had mis-informed us about his accepting our insurance. Everyone else in his practice took it, but not him. Ok, well, he was very clinical and not so personal anyway, so we then went to see another (female) doc whom we liked much better! Both recommended laser treatments to speed the involution of the birthmark. It could take up to 10 years on its own, less than 5 with laser, and probably better results. Given its size and prominent location on her little forehead, we went ahead. I wasn't expecting the treatment to begin that day, but since they could fit us in and we were there, we did. It took all of about 15 seconds, during which they basically zapped it with a pen-sized laser. A little scary, but we'd known what to expect. I've had a wart on my hand similarly zapped, so I know what it feels like - it hurts, but only during the 15 seconds. Still..my poor baby. She, of course, was napping, and did NOT like being woken up that way! Sounds like we'll have those treatments every other week, for at least 10 treatments. Yippee. Did I mention also that I hate driving into the city, and I'll have to take her by myself for most of them given my more flexible work schedule?

She was good today though...we definitely changed up her schedule on her, so she was more cranky than usual tonight, but during the day she was a gem. Before her appointment, I had my WedMD interview. We had to go to this studio, and it was a little intimidating. Very professional, like, OK, this is real? Guess I was expecting it to be a little bit low-tech. But they sent me to make-up and the host doctor guy had cue cards all made up with my name and stuff. They were interviewing different people with RA all day. I think the deal is that WebMD will have a bunch of these short clips on the website soon highlighting how people are living with RA. There was a "yoga" girl, a mom with RA, a mom whose little girl has JRA, and, according to the printed schedule, I was the "exceptional fitness example!" Ha! Although if I think of myself as someone with a crippling disease, I guess I do fit that title. I just tend not to think of myself that way. At any rate, Andra slept right up until we should have been done with the inteview...if everything had gone according to schedule. As it was, she woke up hungry (understandably, it had been 4 hours which is unheard of in the morning for her) and squawked right in the middle! So we had to retake part of it after Fred hustled her out for a quick walk in the 60 degree NYC weather. But she let us eat lunch in a deli and walk back to her appointment, remained on the verge of a breakdown until we got out of the waiting room into the exam room, and slept in the car on the way home.

My reward for this was a massage tonight by my friend who's in massage therapy school. She has amazing hands. I'm the type who likes to FEEL my massage - if it doesn't hurt a little bit, it's not worth it. More often than not I've left massages feeling frustrated, not relaxed! Luz's are NOT that way. Plus she always asks about the pressure, more, less? So she doesn't leave it to me to speak up, which can be awkward. She's taking a pathology class this semester and has to do a "project" on someone with a disease: ME! Lucky me! Lots of massages, and focusing on my arms. Who'd have though you could get a half-hour massage on just one arm and still not feel like you wanted it to end??? Since my wrists don't bend (I think I have about a 40-degree range of motion...I don't even know what normal is anymore, but I'm guessing close to 180 - if you comment, can you leave me a degree estimate of your own?), the tendons and muscles in my forearms never get stretched out. Imagine running and never stretching your calves - eventually, ouch, right? I hadn't even really noticed, but now - I notice. It was absolute heaven.

Of course, even though I snuck out of the house thinking Andra was asleep, I'm pretty sure she woke up right after and cried the whole time. Fred won't tell me (smart) but...well, I know. I tell myself they both just need practice together, and that will only happen if I go out, but it's hard.

Long post. Andra hasn't woken up again, poor thing, so I'm taking that as a safe cue to go to bed.

Feel like a slacker

I'm feeling like I'm not getting into the swing of this baby thing. I do try to get out once a day, but even then I try to time it for when Andra's sleeping (which is not predictable, am I supposed to be trying to get her on a schedule or something??) to avoid the possibility of a crying baby in public. Even though she's so good, I don't want to deal with that.

Last Thursday I went to a lactation thing at the pediatrician's. I got some questions answered about going back to work (and then ordered an electric double breast pump...oh boy) and met a couple other new moms (Andra was the big kid at 8 weeks). Friday 2 of those moms and I went to another new mom thing at the hospital, and then out to lunch. It was actually nice being out with other people in the same place in life...and with potentially loud babies. They all slept though (or at least were quiet). Less stressful somehow?

Yesterday (50 degrees here) I had planned to test out the BOB on my favorite short run with some friends, including one of the new moms who has run marathons, but hasn't run since getting pregnant (IVF, didn't want to take chances). So I was SUPER excited. Woke up feeling hung-over though. Not that I had had anything to drink, but it sure felt like it. Ended up puking more than I think I ever have, slept most of the day on the couch, felt guilty for not playing with Andra more, and felt really badly that I canceled on this new possible friend.

So after not eating pretty much at all yesterday, probably being pretty dehydrated (I lost 5 pounds between Sunday morning and today...you think?), I feel mostly fine today and think I should go work out. I won't, we just went for a half-hour walk to test the BOB. But I feel like a slacker. I still haven't run more than 5 miles (which would be fine with me actually, for February, if it hadn't been just one time). I am lifting and actually working out at least 5-6 times a week so I know I'm NOT a slacker. But I am not exactly getting used to worrying about when I can go. I even feel bad leaving her with my husband, as he's not really sure yet how to deal with her when she cries (which makes me feel bad for both of them). It'll get easier as she gets older, right?? Of course as I am typing this, she's been a happy angel in her bouncy, talking to herself, smiling...I couldn't ask for more. Yet being home is easier than being out and NOT KNOWING what could happen.

I realize this is a ramble.

On a totally different topic, we are going into the city Wednesday for a dermatologist appointment for Andra's hemangioma, and also WebMD is doing a series on RA and they are interviewing me for it! I'll be sure to post the link when it's up.

Cranky baby

Despite logging 9 hours (10:30pm-7:30am) of uninterrupted sleep last night, Andra's morning good mood only lasted an hour or so and then she got really cranky. Almost fell asleep a couple times but didn't. I was getting equally cranky...so off to the gym we went. She fell asleep, I got in a decent workout (back and biceps, then 2.5 miles at a 9:00 pace and some stretching), and she even slept long enough for me to go to the library for some books and Runner's Worlds, and to get a shower when I got home. Now she's cranky again, but I'm hoping more food does the trick.

Last night I gave her a pacifier after a marathon boob-chewing session. She had taken one before, then stopped, but last night it worked again. I'm trying limited use of it, although the pediatrician said not to worry til 6 months or so when they start forming habits and losing the need to suck so much. Still, when it works, it seems too good to be true.

Last Friday I had lunch with my "coach" Kathy, my former student's Ironmom who helped me with a training plan for my marathon last year. It's obviously running focused (leading up to a half at the end of June), and doesn't officially start til March, so I have 4 weeks to keep focusing on weights. My plan is to do both a few days, and then just one or the other once a week. But when I do both, weights come first! That is opposite what I usually do but will hopefully lead to better results. Then come March, everything changes.My mom comes for a month, I go back to work, and I have to take the running plan seriously. Kathy was not very sympathetic about how I am going to fit workouts in; she told me twice a week I will do them before school (because I don't have a 1st period class), and twice before I go home (guess I will have to figure out the pumping thing after all), and then weekends supposedly it will be easier because my husband is home. I need this kick in the butt, it's a little scary, but today showed me that I NEED to workout, to have that time that is just for me. So I will do it.

"Long" run

I ran outside today for the first time since Thanksgiving. 5.4 miles, no watch, really NICE. I'm pleasantly sore today. And the run kept me from eating much during the Superbowl (not that I could even tell you who played). Felt good to do a "long" run again.

Weights for weight

Long time since I've posted. It's not nearly as fast to type one-handed, that's certainly part of it! Can't claim to be too tired...Andra logged 9 hours straight last night, and we managed to put her down at 10 (usually it's more like 11 or 11:30). I usually wake her up between 7-7:30 every morning, though I am hoping I can gradually transition her back an hour...asleep by 9-10 every night, up at 6, since I only have 4 more weeks of leave and I am stressing out about how I will manage to get out the door by 7 every morning. I'm glad my mom will be staying with us for a few weeks for that reason, I won't have to worry about getting things (bottles, clothes, etc.) ready for Fred to take with her to daycare. Although when she does go to daycare, I will say that I absolutely love the woman who runs the home daycare she will go to. Plus, she just had her first baby 2 weeks before Andra was born, and so she gets the whole new-mom thing.

As for workouts...I am trying to get more intense. I'd say I've managed well to get back into a routine, working out at least 5 days a week now. The gym daycare is great, and I try to go when it's less busy. I took Andra out for an hour-long walk in the Baby Bjorn Monday when it finally hit 40 (or thereabouts), and she did great. My friend Bea (formerly my trainer when I had extra $$) and I have worked out together twice this week - Tuesday we did am arm workout and today we ran and did some back stuff. She will kick my butt on weights, making fun of me if I take "baby weights" (the girl has seriously huge muscles) and I don't like to be made fun of, so I work harder than otherwise. I pushed her to run more than she would have today (we did intervals, though in total only 3.5 miles, I'm still not loving the treadmill again), so it was a nice exchange. I've decided I need to focus more on weights and less on running if I want to lose the weight I've gained since Andra's birth. I assume once I stop breastfeeding it will come off, but it's annoying that I was 146 when I got pregnant, 145 a week or so after delivery, and 153 now. But weights are more important than running, since my only running goals for a while involve distances 10k or shorter. So I do want to start longer runs outside on Sundays (or sooner if I get the BOB attachment and it warms up) but other than than, 2 focused running days a week and 4 lifting days (with maybe 2 miles of running after as bonus if I have time) will be my goal. I'll never get all 7 days in, but I will plan 7 and just take a day off when I need it.

Savvy marketing

So it's been almost 6 weeks. It's still a little up in the air when I'm going to go back to school, but I think I can stretch it to March 2. I negotiated a little bit with our HR guy to give me a couple extra paid days in exchange for me grading my students' midterm exam...which is a pain in the ass, takes hours and hours (not a typical test, it's a series of labs and problems the kids work on for 2+ weeks beforehand), and which my non-certified sub can't officially grade. Since the HR guy denied my personal day last April to run the Nashville marathon, I now play by the rules, and I told my assistant principal and department chair that I would gladly grade it for a couple extra paid days, but that truthfully I couldn't care less what happens to it or the kids' grades if he denied it. Not when we're only allowed to use 6 weeks of sick leave, despite the fact that I have over 100 days I haven't used in the 8 years I've been there. Turns out the AP convinced him to give me 2 extra paid days, which is probably worth it (that's like 2 weeks of day care).

At any rate, I have to figure out what I'm going to do about breastfeeding when I go back. Surprisingly, I sort of like it. It's very peaceful, and easy, and convenient. I guess ideally I'd still breastfeed in the mornings, late afternoons and evenings. I just don't want to worry about pumping, so I'm happy to have her have formula during the day when I'm not there. But I also don't want to deal with leaky boobs during the school day. So I'm thinking I should start to transition a little now, get on some sort of schedule...right now, I pretty much feed her whenever she's hungry, which can be random - every hour for a while, then after a 4 hour nap, or maybe there's no nap that day, so... She takes bottles or either breastmilk or formula no problem, but it's just so much easier when I'm with her to just pull out the boob. I figure if I start by replacing one feeding a day with formula, like around 11 or 12, that's a start? Anyone have any ideas or advice? Is this something I should talk to a lactation counselor about? I never had any problems so I've never used one before...

At any rate, in the mail today I got 2 free cans of Enfamil, along with a variety of coupons. I guess they know 6 weeks is standard maternity leave, and about the time a lot of women give up breastfeeding or at least start supplementing. As much as I know it's marketing, it does make it easier to do it when they send me the formula for free...

Ack, it really is stressful thinking about going back to work. Luckily, there'll only be 3 and a half months til summer...

Gym day care

Made it to boot camp Saturday morning, but had to take Sunday off as we had 2 sets of company (my brother, sister-in-law and niece came for lunch, then the inlaws for dinner) and in between, I had to tutor for a couple hours (midterms this week...great for the stay-at-home-a-little-longer fund). Monday morning Andra woke me up around 5:30 (plus she was up once in the middle of the night...I think I'm letting her sleep too much in the evening, not that I really have any success keeping her awake when I try). I was actually glad I was forced to get up early, because that meant by 7am I was dressed for the gym, Andra was fed, and I was able to put her in the bouncy seat next to the bed and run away before she fussed, thus making me feel guilty for not warning Fred I would be gone. I got in a good 3.25 mile run. Can a tempo run be as short as 2.5 miles? I was trying to run hard, which for now was about an 8 minute mile...I think I varied the pace a bit, but the bulk was right around 8:06, and half an hour is about all I have time for these days if I want to fit in any lifting. I managed just 2 exercises for my back (including the dreaded pull-ups) and 2 for biceps, but I lifted heavy and am sore today.

Today Andra also woke up early, but I opted to nap with her on the couch from 7-9am instead of hitting the gym early. I knew Fred wouldn't make it home in time for me to go to the core class I love, so this was the day I figured out day care at the gym. I made a noon reservation because they told me there were no other kids signed up and it was usually a quiet time. Andra fell asleep in the car, and even though there were plenty of kids (maybe 5) when we got there, she slept the whole time. I did an easier 3, I had wanted to do 4 but psyched myself out. Technically I could leave Andra there for an hour and a half, but an hour sounded like long enough (even though I felt comfortable leaving her there, I still worry about her crying), and I wanted to shower too. So I just did 3, plus abs. Obama was making a speech as I ran, and even though I never watch TV while I run, I did today. Watched...but didn't listen. I needed my music! Plus I figure they'll replay everything a million times tonight.

Photo shoot

Melissa came by to take pictures today. Over 500, I think she said! Here are some of my favorites (of the 15 she put on Facebook...can't wait to see the rest!). In the one below, Andra is holding the medal from the Country Music Marathon we ran when I was 6 weeks pregnant. I think she probably won her age group...

AM workout

I managed to get to the gym in the morning today. After waking Andra up from her 8 hour "nap" (which followed a feeding frenzy last night where I gave her 5 oz of formula after a non-stop breastfeeding session that seemed to last forever, by the end of which I'd had enough) at 6:45, feeding and getting her ready, I handed her off to Fred about 10 minutes after my self-imposed 7:30 "deadline." (How I'll ever do that when I have to be at school by 7:15 I don't know.)

At any rate, I had a great short tempo run (half mile warm up, then 4 half miles at 8:12, 8:08, 8:00 and 7:53, then a half mile cool down). I worked...total time just 26 minutes or so, total distance just 3 miles, but it was enough. I also had time for some quick weights (back and biceps) but was dismayed at how awful my assisted pull-ups were. I used to be able to get through at least one set of 8 with the weight set at 60lbs...today my first set was 4 at 70, then 4 at 80 when I couldn't finish at 70. Second set I started at 90. Sad. I have work to do.

I'm gearing up to get serious about my eating next Monday. Maybe it's no coincidence, but I feel like I'm having feeding frenzies just like Andra. I seriously love food. Especially peanut butter (eaten by the spoonful, with chocolate chips...it got so bad that I didn't let myself even buy any more peanut butter this week, I think I have to ban it from the house the way I once banned ice cream and cookies). I might have been back at my pre-pregnancy weight (146) a week or so after delivery, but it hardly matters, as I've put back on 5 or so pounds since. (My only attempt at veiling myself from that truth is that it's really hard nowadays to weigh myself at a consistent time of day, so my "study" isn't exactly controlled...and the high school science teacher in me does not like that.) They've been fairly guilt-free pounds, what with the holidays and all, but this can't continue much longer. So this week I'm getting my goals in order, getting a plan in place, and preparing for a good solid month or two of clean eating and consistent, goal-oriented working out.

Month 1

Wow. Four weeks ago today (and at about this time), my water broke and Andra started to get here. Crazy. I'm sure I'll think the same thing in a year, in 18 years...time flies, and having a kid makes me so much more aware of that. The little pickle is growing (we go to the ped next week to get weighed, etc.), she seems twice as big as a month ago, probably just because she uncurled, but she's definitely longer and heavier too. She used to fit perfectly in just one arm. Her newborn clothes used to be too big, and now she's threatening to outgrown them. Sigh...and unfortunately, every day is one day closer to having to go back to work. It won't be before mid-Feb...hopefully I can keep up my tutoring to make enough extra cash to push it back to the first of March.

In workout news, things are going. Sunday was a day off, as we went to meet Andra's great-grandparents (Fred's grandparents). Monday I took her out for a walk (about 2.75 miles) in the Baby Bjorn, as it wasn't too cold. Tuesday, she went to her first babysitter, my friend who lives right next to the gym, and I went to the core class. Weds was off, then yesterday Fred made it home before I fell asleep (at 6pm) and I got to the gym to run. I did 3 miles (all I really want to do on a treadmill for now...though I'm itching to get out and do a longer run soon outside), mixing up the pace (3 separate half-miles at an 8:30, 8 and 7:30 pace, followed by recoveries around 9:30) and averaging just under a 9:00 pace. I'm sore today in my quads (also because we did 8 million squats and lunges Tuesday), which feels good! Off again today, as it's too cold to take Andra out and Fred went away for the weekend skiing (I've vowed to take my own weekend trip with friends this summer and leave him home with Andra...we'll see!). So I may not really be able to work out this weekend, although if I didn't feel kind of guilty I'd ask another friend to watch her Saturday morning so I can go to boot camp. (Guilt about asking the friend, not about leaving Andra for an hour...though there's a bit of that too.) I can't wait til she's 6 weeks so I can take her to the day care at the Y (wait, didn't I spend the first part of this post saying I DON'T want her to grow up??).

So we're flying solo this weekend...so far she's been such an easy baby, this better not be the weekend she decides to stay up all night! She slept 7 hours last night (10-5, then again til 8 after I fed her), so I know I'm super lucky.

The little pickle...

I managed to get to the gym a few times this week. Tuesday, Friday and today. Could be better, could be worse. I ran 3 miles straight yesterday, changing the pace up because I got bored (and of course wanted to run fast, not slow) and averaging about a 9:20 pace. Did lots of abs today at boot camp...I want my doughiness gone! I wonder how long it'll take for the skin to shrink back up?

I'm hoping to get outside just for a couple walks this week, with the kid in the Baby Bjorn since I don't yet have the car seat attachment for the BOB. My husband will be working later this week to catch up from his time off, and Andra has to be 6 weeks to go to day care at the gym, so my options are limited (unless I get it done early, which I really have no excuse not to...I could go at 7 am and be back in plenty of time for Fred to get to work).

I haven't made any resolutions yet. I will, I like to, but the New Year kind of crept up on me. So, by February 1 I will figure them out! But one will involve getting more involved in the running community...tomorrow I plan to volunteer at a 10k, the first in a 5-race Boston Build-up series I ran last year preparing for Nashville. It's a great series, and it plus a bunch of other local races are put on seemingly by one very dedicated guy (who never actually gets to race himself). So volunteering seems like the right thing to do, especially since I am not up for a 10k (or the successive 15-30ks that follow) right now!

Can't help but post a few more pictures of our little pickle (affectionately nicknamed by my Aunt Mary, who then found her a pickle for her first Christmas ornament):
The little pickle.
I love her round belly!

2 1/2 weeks already??

Wow. That was a fast and busy Christmas. My parents and aunt were here from Michigan, and my brother, sister-in-law and 15-month old niece from Paris/NYC (they're moving back to the states this month). It was a very full house. I tried to take advantage of the plethora of babysitters to get out to the gym (Tuesday night, Saturday morning boot camp (yay! I missed that class so much), and a run outside (2.5 miles or so) yesterday. I definitely had moments when I wanted everyone to go so I could hold my daughter, take a nap with her, just hang out. I was basically just a feeding and diaper changing machine. But I have her back now, and as a reward she slept (after a marathon feeding session where she literally sucked me dry (eww) and we gave her formula) 8 hours last night. I woke up a few times thinking I should get her up to change her diaper at least (we're using cloth and they do feel a lot wetter than disposables) but resisted.

So boot camp Saturday was great. None of my usual "competition" was there (lots of new people who hopefully won't last) so maybe I didn't push as hard, but I was able to do everything and did NOT feel out of shape. The abs were a little tougher, but I still did just about all of them! And of course I'm sore, but not horribly so. I felt good enough to run outside yesterday (60 degrees, although dreary). Just a 3 mile loop (maybe a bit under). I felt a little awkward, like my gait was off, but except for tight Achilles (normal, I have weird heel bones and the tendon rubs) the run was great. I ran 20 minutes (probably about 2.25 miles) and walked the last half mile.

The challenge this week will be to get in workouts without all the babysitters. And without being able to use the Bob...I don't have the infant car seat adapter, and if I did, it's probably too cold anyway.

Can't believe Andra is already 2 1/2 weeks old. Looking back, the first few days were scary! She was so tiny. She's back up above her birth weight now, much more alert, and we've kind of figured each other out now. It's pretty fun...

New Blog to Read

Alison Setton's blog will probably interest some of you who read this one...especially you triathletes.

Andra meets Santa

I really think I am the luckiest mom EVER. Easy pregnancy, fast delivery, cutest little baby who just sleeps and eats and occasionally charms us with her open eyes (did I mention she's sleepy?). She slept through the night two nights ago, the other nights she's only up once to be fed and changed. She was fussier in the beginning, but I think we're figuring each other out, and now she usually goes right back to sleep.

We went to meet Santa yesterday, and then to Ann Taylor Loft where I got 4 pairs of nice pants (nicer than my usual uniform of jeans and khakis) for $9.88 each! Santa was awesome...so good with the scared little boys ahead of us, and when he saw Andra he said, "This is why I do this job." She snoozed through it all. I love showing her off. So many people asked if there was really a baby in my sling (she's 7 pounds, she's not THAT tiny!) and then oohed and aahed when I let them peek.

Thursday we had to go back to the pediatrician to check her weight (up from Tuesday so we're all good now), then I went to Trader Joe's and there ran into one of our assistant principals. He reminded me that the high school faculty party was just down the road, so we went! The principal accused me of having "rented" the baby, as he never believed I was 9 months pregnant and was surprised to see us up and about so soon. Yeah, it feeds my ego...but we ARE pretty laid back and just having fun. (Except I do still get up in the middle of the night to make sure Andra's still breathing...does that go away??)

I went to the gym yesterday, just to walk a mile (14 minutes) and lift, upper body and some abs. I'm sore today and it feels SO GOOD! No running yet, but soon. I don't want to push it, since I'm already back at me pre-pregnancy weight and would rather start out strong than go out too fast and need to re-stop. But just being at the gym, even walking, I was having a blast and couldn't stop smiling. This is the best Christmas ever.

The first few days...

The first few days home have been fun. A little tiring of course. But Monday morning I put Andra in my hotsling and emptied the dishwasher and did a load of laundry while she snoozed. I won't lie, even just that tired me out!

We're figuring out the sleeping thing. Andra is a champion sleeper right now, which I really hope doesn't change! I might be lucky, as my mom said I slept so much as a baby she was convinced something was wrong with me (I followed a brother who never slept) and called the doctor a couple times. The first two nights (and the two in the hospital) were rough, because I had her in her Moses basket right next to me (first in bed, then on the couch) and every noise woke me up (if I was ever asleep, which I question). I ended up the first night having her sleep on her back on my chest, the second night was about half that and half in her basket. I get to go to bed a littler earlier (10 maybe) for some real sleep while Fred hangs out with her until she needs to eat again, or until after she eats (we're supplementing with formula at night, at the pediatrician yesterday she was still losing weight and my milk might just be coming in now, so the ped said to do it, which made me feel good...I was never against it, but breastfeeding isn't so bad after all and I started to question everything!). Last night she was super fussy even after the formula, so I got up around 12:30 to switch with him so he could sleep. Eventually, after a few cycles of putting her in her basket and letting her cry for 5 minutes (to the dot, I tried not to pick her up too early, the doctor said 5 minutes and I took her literally!), I had the brilliant idea of putting her basket in the bathroom with the fan on. Worked perfectly the second time! So I found a room fan, put it in her room, turned it on near her crib, and then put her in the basket in the crib. And I slept in my own bed 2 doors down. The fan (and distance) drowned out the little coos and stuff, but had she cried I would've heard it all. As it was, she didn't wake up once til I got her up around 7! I hope this is the new routine...because I actually slept (minus 2 trips to check on her when I woke up). An added bonus was that my cat got to sleep with me again (always our routine) and spent the rest of the night on my pillow purring. So we're all happy today!

Ok, I'm also going to post pictures of my post-baby belly. I gotta say, I'm amazed it went away so quickly. Don't get me wrong, it's doughy, my belly button is still really stretched out, and I'm not sure I have ab muscles any more, but we'll work on that in a week or so.

Oh, and one more thing...we took Andra to a holiday party last night. I stuck her in the sling where she was well-protected (but I could open it up to give people a peek) and slept for the whole 2 and a half hours (we stayed longer than we should have, I was tired by the end!). And second best to showing her off was hearing people say how good I looked for having given birth 4 days prior! It fed my ego just a bit, which is nice after a few months of looking pregnant! (And it REALLY helped that I read on Michelle's blog a few hours before we left that Moana had also been out to some parties, made me feel like I wasn't too crazy for bringing Andra out so early...although, no one even tried to touch her, I LOVE the sling!).

A few pictures

7 lbs 4 oz, 18.5 inches. I keep forgetting to tell people that!!

The Details...

First, let me just say that Andra has been asleep on my chest for 2 hours and I just love it. She's wiggly and makes some funny noises (so far in lieu of real crying) and has tons of dark hair.

So at school Friday I decided that whatever happened, it was going to be my last day. In retrospect I felt differently, but can't pinpoint anything specific. I left school around 2:30, stopped at the post office and the grocery store...my cat Pokey needed food, and I needed a donut and ice cream (the fact that I bought and then ate both was a clue to me at that point!). Got home and relaxed for a bit, then got up to play with Pokey around 4:30. I was on my knees, and when I got up I felt a small gush. Now, I never understood how someone could mistake pee for water breaking. But I do now! I couldn't decide...I went and peed, stood up, kept dripping...no big gush or anything. So I walked around the house a little, and when I bent over I felt it again. Called Fred...he was on his way for a post-work drink with a colleague, I said think you better nix that idea! Called my mom, who reminded me that I really DO know if I'm peeing or not, and if I wasn't peeing then my water broke. So I called the doctor, who said to come in. I questioned the "right now?" part because I wasn't having contractions, except for a little one right before my water broke. Right now, he said. OK. So I drove myself to the hospital after getting a few more things in my bag (chapstick, water bottle, laptop). Very calm, still no contractions. Leave my stuff in the car when I go in, figuring no hurry, it's about 5:20. My doctor was there, checked and my cervix was still about 3cm. He said he was going to go home and be back. I did wonder what happened to his idea that I'd have a quick labor, but I didn't ask until the next day, when he said he thought he was safe for a little bit since I wasn't even in labor at that point. At any rate, he was back within an hour!

By 6 I was having contractions 7 minutes apart, then 6, then 5...it sped up very quickly. I felt nauseous, though never puked. Was shaking. Could not have believed the pain. I did try to consciously relax the rest of my body...face, arms, legs. And took really deep breaths. And pictured a particular hill I once rode up while trying in vain to keep up with 3 people infinitely faster than I was, feeling like I was going to die but forcing myself over the hill. (Strangely enough, that time I climbed that hill I KNEW that was going to be a focal point for me during labor.) I sort of wanted to get up, move, sit on the big ball...for some reason it was discouraged and I guess I didn't really care too much. In reptrospect, I guess I was already in transition (the horribly painful part...I think I just skipped right over early labor to that), which explains the nausea. I doubt I would even have been able to get up at that point, so no big deal. I do remember my doctor asking my husband, "Have you ever seen her like this? I think this is the first time I've seen her NOT smiling." Men.

At some point I did ask for the epidural. Maybe 10 minutes later the anaesthesioloist came in, my doctor was back, and I was ready to push. So, no epidural. They all said the worst was over. I'm not sure I would agree, pushing hurt! I pushed for maybe 15 minutes. 3 pushes in a row, probably 5 times. For the 2 contractions before actively pushing, it was the weirdest thing...you know how when you're gong to puke, your body involuntarily convulses as you heave? It was exactly like that, except going the other direction! I guess actually I didn't feel like pushing...I was weirded out by that convulsion sensation. But then the doctors and nurse told me to push, so I did. I know I was whimpering at the end of every push, and a few whispered "FUCK!"s came out. I had some tearing, 2nd degree I think but not so bad 24 hours later. I am dreading the first poo...but peeing has been painless. Surprisingly, nothing is sore (not abs, legs, no muscles at all) except...where you'd expect. But since I was shaking uncontrollably throughout most of the labor and pushing, and for a good few hours afterwards, I know my body was working HARD. I will say, I would NEVER want to do that without being in good shape.

This morning I noticed I have a lot of little spots around my eyes, from the pushing, broken blood vessels I assume. They put her on me when she came out, and it was very surreal! She looks like my husband (has his nose!) but has my hair and toes. Haven't really done the full body inspection yet, she's been sleeping pretty much nonstop. Nursed a little bit, but she had and still has a lot of fluids in her stomach so they told me she won't be hungry for a while. She spit up a bunch of liquid/mucous around 2am, so I called the nurse and then they took her for the rest of the night (til about 6) so they could keep suctioning her. I still didn't manage to sleep though.

She's about 24 hours old now, and MUCH more active...and loud! The first 24 hours were a blissful tease...we napped together a lot and just hung out.

Andra Kate

Details later, explicit gory details...but my water broke at 4:30 (took a while to actually believe it, it really does seem like you pee your pants!), got to hospital by 5:15, contractions started around 5:45, by 6:10 they were 7 minutes apart and by about 7 (when they came to give me the epidural I realized I REALLY wanted!) I was 10cm and ready to push. So we did it natural. OH. MY. GOD. Thank god it was quick. She's 7 lbs 4 oz, cute as a button. Pictures tomorrow!

yay for webcams and wireless! saturday am.

The Doctor Upped the Ante

He did strip my membranes (at my request), said I was now 3cm dilated, and said baby by Sunday. Of course, he's been wrong before...

But they have a sub for me at school (someone I suggested way back in September), and she has a science background, knows the school culture, and will get the job done, even if the kids find her to be a bit more of a hard-ass than I am. Hey, it's good for them.

Took what I hope to be the last pregnancy pictures this morning. I am psyched to have a flat stomach again, BUT I also thought I looked pretty cute, and surprisingly I will miss the belly a little...

Almost counts??

OK, so this morning I read the comment Michelle left on my last post about ALMOST going to the gym. "Almost counts," she said. I immediately took that (jokingly) as, "Well, almost going ALMOST counts, but DOESN'T, sucker!" Later today I reread it after another comment by X-Country 2 , and I thought maybe Michelle meant instead that yes, almost DID count! (It's funnier the first way though.)

Regardless, my point is that I'm GOING TO THE GYM NOW! I will likely just walk. Maybe do the elliptical, but that sounds...well, like a workout. I'm not sure what has happened to me. I have plenty of energy, I don't feel badly, I'm not even in a bad mood anymore (so much for that being a sign of labor). I am just plain lazy and impatient. Which doesn't even really bother me.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, 38 weeks 4 days...a while ago he said, "If you make it to 38 weeks we'll talk about stripping your membranes." I know it's no guarantee, but it beats doing nothing (I think...maybe it'll just make me crazy again, waiting!!).

(UPDATE) I went, I ran a mile, walked a little, stretched, and as usual, remembered that I LOVE the gym. I think my pelvis is protesting a little now, but alas my uterus is NOT.

I almost...

...went to the gym today.

Argh.

Any chance extreme irritability is a sign of impending labor? Probably not, but it's the only sign I have. (Doesn't help that my husband keeps saying, "Wow, you really ARE in a bad mood..." and is completely unsympathetic. Yeah, that helps the situation. And yeah, he reads this blog.) I've not experienced any mood swings, emotional stuff, anything the whole pregnancy. Yesterday and today, a different story.

In good news, we got our Christmas tree and started decorating. And my parents brought up the fact that if I'm just getting home from the hospital when they arrive December 23, they plan to stay in a hotel so I can have at least some of the time alone to figure things out that I really think I want. Now, that makes me cry...because it's so nice. Not that I know that I'd want them to. But it's nice that they'd offer.

Pretty much no change...

Went to the doctor today. Up to 2cm dilated, still 100% effaced and the kid's at +3 station (I finally asked, he said she's been there a while). Found this cool video animation that kind of explains what that means. I asked, "So what if she doesn't come early?" Because my family comes from Michigan on the 23rd, and I do NOT want to be a) in the hospital or b) coming home from the hospital when they are here. I want a few days ALONE to figure things out! The doctor still insists she will be early. Sigh...he hasn't been right about too much so far.

The ultrasound showed she was around 6lbs 13oz, and that's without including a head measurement in the equation (can't see it since she's so low). I was a 9 pounder, my husband 6 something, so if she ends up in between that sounds perfect. I'm really hoping for this weekend.

Of course, today at school I find out there's still NO SUB lined up for me. I bitched at both my department head and the assistant principal about that. Both came back with the same line, basically, "It's not MY job, and anyway, don't worry about it." Are they joking? No one will take responsibility (though apparently later the AP gave the human resources guy (my favorite person) a hard time about it. I let everyone know in June, then again "officially" in September, then again in late October when no one had even started looking and the doctor was worried about bed rest/early labor. It wasn't until the day before Thanksgiving that they actually offered the position to one of 2 people who had applied, and eventually both turned it down because they'd accepted other jobs since it seemed this one was going nowhere. Now, it's true that once the kid is born I proabably won't care what happens at school (though it's REALLY tough to believe that, I love my job and 95% of the kids I teach and they're about to get SCREWED for the next 6-8 weeks with an unqualified sub...or worse, many unqualified subs), but right now I DO CARE and I've been busting my ass trying to keep teaching AND get things together so that when I do go out (and not knowing makes this really hard) it's not just wasted class time for a few weeks. Some of the kids would love that of course, but some of them are serious and would really feel cheated. Sigh...so part of me hopes she won't come until NEXT weekend so that what I have lined up to teach next week will actually get taught...

Anyway, there has been no working out since Saturday when I ran a mile, walked a mile, did some squats and some stuff for my hamstrings and was exhausted by that little effort! This Saturday I'll go to the gym again...once a week is better than nothing.