Tonsilitis

Second Z-pack of the season. Seriously? Twice in 3 weeks? Not fair. I went in to work today anyway since I'm going to be using a bunch of sick days soon for monitoring (or half-days at least). No working out. Went to sleep at 8:30 last night.

I start estrogen patches tomorrow, changing every other day until I get my period (probably in less than a week). Then the fun begins.

$15k of drugs on the way...

For the bargain price of $26 in copays. That part worked out. Cornell taking my insurance worked out. Now we just hope the baby part works out. I start the estrogen priming part of the protocol soon...within the next week or two. Then when my period starts the fun begins.

Lifted today. I've been lifting once a week or so, not long, just 30-40 minutes. But I've been lifting heavier, and focusing more on legs than I have in a while. I like it.

Tutoring picked up, expectedly, this past week (midquarter grades went out last week). I have 5 hours a week steady right now, which ends up being an extra paycheck a month. Less time to workout, I do feel more stressed timewise, but we need this. Even if we didn't need it, I would think we did...and we would, as savings and retirement savings are nowhere near where they used to be. But at least this keeps up afloat. And at least I don't have to shell out any money for IVF. Which, I know, is incredibly lucky.

I've also, the last 2 weeks, cut down on my daily prednisone dose. I'm down from 5mg to 2.5 a day. It was the sleeping on my stomach a few nights in a row that made me realize the RA has, at least for now, moved out of my neck. So I figured it was worth a try. The stuff is great when I need it, but of course I'd rather not be on it. So far so good with the lower dose...

Ok, thing may work out

After many many phone calls, the drugs are supposed to be covered through another branch of the medical insurance. The pharmacy associated with the insurance company won't cover them, but another one will. Really? Could the make this more confusing? How do old or poor or uneducated people ever get anything covered? Oh, right, they don't. So unfair. What a fucked up health care system we have.

But at any rate, the drugs have been called into this other branch and now I wait to see for sure if or what we pay. We may have a copay, they may be 100% covered, that much I do not know yet. But if the drugs work then we are pretty much ready to begin. I would start the estrogen patches in about 2 weeks and shots about 2 weeks later.

Fuck...

IVF drugs likely not going to be covered. Still trying to figure it out. Will we spend $5k + on this? I know people spend a lot more. But we don't have a lot more. And I don't know that it's worth it given the uncertain outcome. If we were guaranteed a kid I'm sure we'd do it. But...honestly. I question whether another kid would just be that much more stress. I might be too selfish to want another. Maybe this is just me protecting myself. I won't let myself cry about this yet. It's not over. It's just frustrating because my benefits say the drugs are 100% covered but the fine print that no one told me about apparently says only covered if given by the doctor. Um, I can't go to the doctor every day for 6 weeks to get stim shots and progesterone. My IVF nurse hadn't heard of this. Maybe there's a way around at least some of it...

Still sick

I have strep throat. Again. I have had this more in the last 3 years than ever before. I went 2 week with a cold and a week with laryngitis (great thing for a teacher...luckily my students are mostly really nice and polite) before today, and felt like I had a fever. Driving home from the city after my IVF class I called my doctor, made an appointment and went. Another Z-pack. I dropped one pill in my car and can't find it anywhere. So instead of 5 days, I only get to take 4. Hopefully it'll be enough. But I do feel better that I am really sick. A usual, I just assume I'm being a wimp and need to get over it. And feel guilty for not working out when all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes sleep is more important. But always only in hindsight.

The IVF class was good I guess. Learned more about the process. Met with my nurse. Think I know what I need to do. In about 2 weeks I will start the estrogen priming protocol, which is just wearing estrogen patches until I get my next period. Then the fun begins. The stim shots don't bother me, I am used to giving myself shots. The progesterone shots scare me, but whatever, I'll get over it. I will have to tell a couple people at school in 2 weeks or so, as I will probably be missing A LOT of my morning classes due to monitoring. The clinic doesn't open til 7:30, which is when school starts. I need to just not care about that, and I'm working toward it.

Had one good run last week, when I struggled to get out the door because I wanted to sleep. I did 20 minutes hard (that is around a 9:30 pace I think, I am still so annoyed by that but not able to do enough to change it yet) and then walked another 10 min. One day of lifting, one boot camp, and pretty much nothing else.

Definitely in a slump. Just feel like I can't keep up.

IVF consult #2

Today was our appointment with Cornell. It was full of good surprises.

1. There was NO traffic getting into the city. None. Zero. That never happens...but at 9:00 on a Thursday? Unheard of.

2. We walked in 10 minutes before out appointment time (after getting bagels and coffee because instead of being late, we were early. See above.) and see on the reception desk a sign that says, "As of 9/15/11, CRM now participates with CIGNA." CIGNA is my insurance. That we thought CRM did NOT take. And now they do. So the $15,000 we would have to front if we go with them, we now wouldn't.

3. 9 minutes before out appointment time (that is, 1 minute after we arrive) they call us back. Right into the consult room, complete with waiting doctor. Early. Seriously? We hadn't even filled out our paperwork.

4. I really liked Dr. Davis. I had been expecting someone a little different, as my friend Jessica (who also really liked him) sort of indicated that maybe his mannerisms were a bit abrupt or something. And I can see that, but really he was friendly and...SMART. Now that's important. This man knew my chart inside and out, he was rapid-firing questions at me and I was mostly keeping up, and I just felt like he knew exactly what was going on. Not that most doctors wouldn't, but this was different. He was just smart. And frankly, not all doctors are. Maybe, I felt like he was smarter than I am. And I am not used to that. (Good thing almost no one reads my blog anymore because I know how that sounds, but it's true...whatever.)

So, we plan to proceed with Cornell. I am doing an IVF prep class on the 10th (no school on Columbus Day). It looks like the big stuff will happen in November, with the major stuff right around Thanksgiving.

Nothing new

I know I've posted about this before, but every time I have this realization it seems important.

I've had some really good workouts and runs the last few weeks. I have been able to sleep on my stomach again, something I haven't really been able to do because my neck wouldn't turn that much to the side. Except for this past week when I had a cold, I've just felt good. And when that happens, I can look back and give myself a break and not think I was jut being a wimp when things weren't so good. I can be kind of amazed that I was able to do as much as I did when I felt like crap. I can accept that I really did feel like crap, and I wasn't just being lazy.

That said, feeling like crap for a while does take a toll. I am slower, fatter, and out of a good routine. But, I am working toward becoming faster, leaner, and more structured, in working out and in eating.

I was planning to do a 5k this morning, but I bailed when it was already 70 degrees and super humid at 7am (race was at 10). I had wanted cool weather to see if I could be faster...I figured this would be a crappy race, and given that even a good race would result in a crappy time, I didn't see the need to pay $25 to prove that. October 30 is the next possible attempt. Today, I will head to the gym and do a treadmill run...probably 2.5 at a 9:3oish pace. And then do some squats and deadlifts.

Speed

Treadmill run today. Half mile warm up, then I talked myself out of a 9:00 mile to do an 8:30 half mile instead. Except I ran a whole mile. So, after a short walk break I did an 8:00 half mile, walk break, 7:30 quarter mile, walk, 7:00 quarter mile. It felt like a real workout. Running fast again felt great. Sure, I felt like a cripple after, but I felt great WHILE I was running! Possible 5k Sunday...if the weather is ok. Not interested in running in the rain.

Lifting

My husband is starting Crossfit. I am getting inspired to start lifting heavy again. Not too much, I still want to RUN now that I can again, and I don't have tons of time. But, today I did kettlebell swings, deadlifts and squats using a lot more weight than usual. Plus I ran 2 miles, one at 9:40 and the second (no break) at 9:30. Despite having a cold and feeling really run down. So, I feel like I am making progress back toward where I want to be. Though it's a slow process and I have a long way to go.

I found easy!

Just did 4.5 miles, an old loop. 45 minutes (just under). It was easy! I think the 70 degrees vs. the 83 when I did 5, plus a less hilly course, really helped. I never once felt like I had to walk. I am SOOO looking forward to fall running now!

5 miles

5 miles still sounds like it should be easy. I did a loop from school today I used to do. Two very steep and long hills I knew I would walk. A very long stretch of downhill I thought would be easy. Truthfully it took the amount of time I'd thought it would, an hour...so it wasn't worse than I thought. But maybe it was the heat (83'F), or the steepness of the ups and downs, or whatever...but it was HARD. Still, it's done. Goal is to keep doing it until it becomes easy. Or at least not unpleasant.

Treadmill 5k

Sleepy after school but needed to work out. Actually, in the car I was thinking that I didn't NEED it like I used to NEED it, but I wanted to need it, so I went. Treadmill, figured I'd do 10 minute miles and just see. I slowed a little after 1 mile to regroup, but felt strong still, and at 2.25 miles and another 1 minute slow down, I ramped it up and did the 3.1 in 30:50. Slower than my disappointing 5k, I know, but this was on a treadmill and actually felt strong, so I am happy.

I know not every run can be a good run. I remember marathon training in 2008 and I wasn't feeling it and told myself I'd stop after 2 miles if I didn't get into it. I didn't, and I called it a day and the next day was back to normal. But, when you only run twice a week, if a run sucks, it's much more noticeable. The solution is to run more than twice a week. I think I am healthy and healed enough to do three now. Hopefully I'll find the time and motivation.

First day of school and the incessant SINGING...

In the last month or two, Andra has become a NONSTOP singer. If I hear one more Twinkle Twinkle or Happy Birthday I may just shoot myself. It's cute, yeah, up to a point. And I am super amazed at how her little brain picked up language SO MUCH in the last four months or so. But I am also really glad she's at preschool now o she can burn off more energy!

She started last Tuesday at Catholic preschool. Her teachers are Sister Daria and Sister Lena. There are 20 kids in her class. She loves it...there have been no tears, and she has resisted leaving when I've come to pick her up (they are usually on the playground around 3:30 or 4:00). My own school starts tomorrow, after being delayed a week due to Hurricane Irene and the subsequent power outages.

Venus Williams

I feel really badly for Venus Williams, who just dropped out of the US Open and was recently diagnosed with Sjogren's syndrome, an autoimmune disease. At the same time, it is validating that I am not a wimp when I can't do things because of the RA. Autoimmune diseases ARE serious. They really take a lot out of you when they act up. Luckily for me, most of the time mine is under control. Hope she gets to that point quickly and gets back in the game.

Race report part 2 and Irene...

Irene first...what a fizzle. For us at least...record power outages, but we kept ours. Despite FEMA making us buy flood insurance because they say 1 square inch of our basement is in the 100 year flood plain, we are bone dry at the top of our hill. Winds really nothing we haven't seen before. I guess it must have been worse elsewhere, but we were right under the eye, so not sure why it felt like nothing. It was a tropical storm when it hit us, not a hurricane...kind of a bummer, being an Earth science teacher and all. But school was cancelled for Tuesday, and combined with the earthquake (I didn't feel) on Thursday, there at least is some relevant stuff the kids might be excited about.

Race report continued. So, when I hit the first mile marker at 10:33, I was confused. Really? That must be off. It was a flat or uphill mile, but still. This community race has LOTS of kids and non-runners in it, so I was passing a lot of people even at that pace and maybe I just had a warped sense of pace. Second mile: 10:30. Again, I was pissed. At some point I got passed by our 50+ school nurse, who ok, may be in shape, but to my knowledge was NOT a runner (she and I had had conversations about my RA and running, and she knew I WAS a runner, so...). I knew the last 3/4 mile or so was a good downhill, and I must have picked it up to do the last 1.1in 9:30 give or take, but...ugh.

Now, the why. OK, yes, I have only been back to running for a few weeks. I have been completely slacking on the eating front (that has changed since Friday night!) and am doughy. Still, I have been faster that that race in my regular runs, unless I am totally off...except I'm running old routes and comparing times, and I should have been faster. The weather was fine, not too hot or humid or anything. I was pushing to the point of being uncomfortable, though not hurting like I was trying to PR or anything. My ankle and Achilles hurt, but that's hardly new...

Anyway, this was a wake up call and I need to remotivate...not just in terms of running, which may remain a bit limited, but in terms of eating and working out in general. I will do this again at the end of September on what I hear is a flat course. I have a month to try to knock...what, 2 or 3 minutes off my time? Is that unrealistic? I don't think running a 9:00 pace is that unrealistic, but then again I am basing this off of who I used to be, not who I am now. I am just pissed that I couldn't break 30 minutes...when I was out of shape before, I always said I would never run a 5k if I couldn't break 30 minutes. So...

ETA: official results say 30:15, and that our nurse is 56 and I came in one second after her...that makes me feel better, stupidly.

Race Report Part 1

Ugh. Unofficially 30:25. For a freaking 5k. This same course 2 years ago, I ran 25:52 (8:19 pace). Almost 5 minutes slower? I guess my pace was about 9:50. At least it was under 10:00 but...ugh. I worked, it was uncomfortable. I have another 5k in a month so I can see how I improve, I hope.

Trying not to be disappointed. But I know that half of this I did to myself through not paying attention to my eating the last few months.

Of course...why make it easy?

Neck is flaring, really stiff with a lovely headache...ankle has been sore, achy all day. Took extra prednisone, contemplating half a Vicodin. I want to run this 5k tomorrow evening!

Ran Monday, walked Tuesday, ran Wednesday....today was off.

On another note, instead of going to the TRX class I like on Thursdays, I went by myself to see the movie "The Help." I read the book last year and it was great...the movie, dare I say it, was just as good? That never happens...but maybe I've forgotten enough of the book to not be so nit-picky. The actors were amazing...don't think I recognized a single one, which helped. Haven't cried so much at a movie in years. Go see it.

ETA: Oops. This one was my fault. When I went to take my medications this morning, I realized I hadn't taken them yesterday. Guess that Voltaren really works! But, so did the Viocdin and prednisone, so I should be ok to run tonight.

A few pictures...

These are from the cottage in Michigan. Andra has had a blast swimming this summer and is really comfortable in the water. She still has a little anxiety about going under, but every night after I put her to bed she would "debrief" her day with Duck-Duck and tell him she did it. Then a few rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Happy Birthday" and she slept like a champ every night.

Still running...

Dare I say I've been doing well with running? I am trying to a tempo, speed, and long run every week. This is week 2. It's all relative, and I am really trying not to compare speeds or distances. My speedwork this week consisted of 4x2 min at an 8:00 pace. It was probably about right...I could do it, it was hard, but I wasn't dying. I'm doing this 5k Friday night, and it'll be a good one just to see where I am. I hope I am under 9:40. I ran a pretty pregnant 5k under that time. But I was just in much better shape then. Hate this in between crap...I'm able to run again, but I'm out of shape and it's frustrating. I'm about to go back to school (um, Tuesday) so I'll be getting into a new routine again. I'm going to end up doing IVF, so why put so much effort in only to have it all end when I get bitchy and hormonal (I had a preview of that today...I never get PMS but today, the day before I'll probably get my period, holy shit was I in a foul mood for no other reason). I guess I'm just making excuses. Whatever. Until I want to change and get my discipline back, especially with eating, there's no point in being depressed about it. It's totally in my hands. If I don't want to get rid of the muffin top that has crept up, then...

Plan to do 4.5 "long run" tomorrow.

Two runs in a row

Four treadmill miles on Friday...hard effort, but right now that is about a 9:15 pace, which used to be marathon pace. After my warm up I did 1 mile, walked 1 min, 2x .5 miles, and 4x .25 miles, and a cool down. All told, 4 miles, 42 minutes. It felt good! So good that yesterday I did 5.5 miles outside. I consciously ran without a watch and tried to go slow so I could run the whole thing, but only made it 4 miles before walking, then did run/walk for the last 1.5. My hips were tight later, but I feel great today. Not really sore.