Race report part 2 and Irene...

Irene first...what a fizzle. For us at least...record power outages, but we kept ours. Despite FEMA making us buy flood insurance because they say 1 square inch of our basement is in the 100 year flood plain, we are bone dry at the top of our hill. Winds really nothing we haven't seen before. I guess it must have been worse elsewhere, but we were right under the eye, so not sure why it felt like nothing. It was a tropical storm when it hit us, not a hurricane...kind of a bummer, being an Earth science teacher and all. But school was cancelled for Tuesday, and combined with the earthquake (I didn't feel) on Thursday, there at least is some relevant stuff the kids might be excited about.

Race report continued. So, when I hit the first mile marker at 10:33, I was confused. Really? That must be off. It was a flat or uphill mile, but still. This community race has LOTS of kids and non-runners in it, so I was passing a lot of people even at that pace and maybe I just had a warped sense of pace. Second mile: 10:30. Again, I was pissed. At some point I got passed by our 50+ school nurse, who ok, may be in shape, but to my knowledge was NOT a runner (she and I had had conversations about my RA and running, and she knew I WAS a runner, so...). I knew the last 3/4 mile or so was a good downhill, and I must have picked it up to do the last 1.1in 9:30 give or take, but...ugh.

Now, the why. OK, yes, I have only been back to running for a few weeks. I have been completely slacking on the eating front (that has changed since Friday night!) and am doughy. Still, I have been faster that that race in my regular runs, unless I am totally off...except I'm running old routes and comparing times, and I should have been faster. The weather was fine, not too hot or humid or anything. I was pushing to the point of being uncomfortable, though not hurting like I was trying to PR or anything. My ankle and Achilles hurt, but that's hardly new...

Anyway, this was a wake up call and I need to remotivate...not just in terms of running, which may remain a bit limited, but in terms of eating and working out in general. I will do this again at the end of September on what I hear is a flat course. I have a month to try to knock...what, 2 or 3 minutes off my time? Is that unrealistic? I don't think running a 9:00 pace is that unrealistic, but then again I am basing this off of who I used to be, not who I am now. I am just pissed that I couldn't break 30 minutes...when I was out of shape before, I always said I would never run a 5k if I couldn't break 30 minutes. So...

ETA: official results say 30:15, and that our nurse is 56 and I came in one second after her...that makes me feel better, stupidly.

Race Report Part 1

Ugh. Unofficially 30:25. For a freaking 5k. This same course 2 years ago, I ran 25:52 (8:19 pace). Almost 5 minutes slower? I guess my pace was about 9:50. At least it was under 10:00 but...ugh. I worked, it was uncomfortable. I have another 5k in a month so I can see how I improve, I hope.

Trying not to be disappointed. But I know that half of this I did to myself through not paying attention to my eating the last few months.

Of course...why make it easy?

Neck is flaring, really stiff with a lovely headache...ankle has been sore, achy all day. Took extra prednisone, contemplating half a Vicodin. I want to run this 5k tomorrow evening!

Ran Monday, walked Tuesday, ran Wednesday....today was off.

On another note, instead of going to the TRX class I like on Thursdays, I went by myself to see the movie "The Help." I read the book last year and it was great...the movie, dare I say it, was just as good? That never happens...but maybe I've forgotten enough of the book to not be so nit-picky. The actors were amazing...don't think I recognized a single one, which helped. Haven't cried so much at a movie in years. Go see it.

ETA: Oops. This one was my fault. When I went to take my medications this morning, I realized I hadn't taken them yesterday. Guess that Voltaren really works! But, so did the Viocdin and prednisone, so I should be ok to run tonight.

A few pictures...

These are from the cottage in Michigan. Andra has had a blast swimming this summer and is really comfortable in the water. She still has a little anxiety about going under, but every night after I put her to bed she would "debrief" her day with Duck-Duck and tell him she did it. Then a few rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Happy Birthday" and she slept like a champ every night.

Still running...

Dare I say I've been doing well with running? I am trying to a tempo, speed, and long run every week. This is week 2. It's all relative, and I am really trying not to compare speeds or distances. My speedwork this week consisted of 4x2 min at an 8:00 pace. It was probably about right...I could do it, it was hard, but I wasn't dying. I'm doing this 5k Friday night, and it'll be a good one just to see where I am. I hope I am under 9:40. I ran a pretty pregnant 5k under that time. But I was just in much better shape then. Hate this in between crap...I'm able to run again, but I'm out of shape and it's frustrating. I'm about to go back to school (um, Tuesday) so I'll be getting into a new routine again. I'm going to end up doing IVF, so why put so much effort in only to have it all end when I get bitchy and hormonal (I had a preview of that today...I never get PMS but today, the day before I'll probably get my period, holy shit was I in a foul mood for no other reason). I guess I'm just making excuses. Whatever. Until I want to change and get my discipline back, especially with eating, there's no point in being depressed about it. It's totally in my hands. If I don't want to get rid of the muffin top that has crept up, then...

Plan to do 4.5 "long run" tomorrow.

Two runs in a row

Four treadmill miles on Friday...hard effort, but right now that is about a 9:15 pace, which used to be marathon pace. After my warm up I did 1 mile, walked 1 min, 2x .5 miles, and 4x .25 miles, and a cool down. All told, 4 miles, 42 minutes. It felt good! So good that yesterday I did 5.5 miles outside. I consciously ran without a watch and tried to go slow so I could run the whole thing, but only made it 4 miles before walking, then did run/walk for the last 1.5. My hips were tight later, but I feel great today. Not really sore.

Not in CT anymore

We're in Michigan. I got a pedicure today. It was nice. The girl doing it also works at the bait shop. We spent some time talking about worms and leeches. I feel so far away from my regular life.

Well this sucks...

Found out Thursday afternoon that I have diminished ovarian reserve, premature ovarian failure, whatever you want to call it...FSH of 15.7, AMH <0.16 (if you don't know what that means, I didn't either, and you should be happy you don't). And my husband's sperm isn't so good either. So from getting pregnant on the second try with Andra, to being told even IVF isn't all that likely to help with #2, my head is spinning. I've had lots of good advice from one friend who's been through the exact same thing (and has 2 kids and one on the way, all IVF) and also from an old blogger friend. We meet with the doctor again August 16, after our vacation to Michigan to visit my family. I'm also setting up an appointment with the clinic at Cornell, where my friend went, even though insurance issues would make that not nearly as easy to manage as the local place. But apparently this is an uncommon diagnosis, and Cornell is the best place on the east coast.

I'm not quite getting my head around it all yet. I love my life with one kid, and in the end would be ok with just Andra. But I also feel like, how can I not try, since we do want the second one? Yet, knowing what people go through to do IVF...physically and emotionally...I am angry. Lots of tears yesterday. Today, not so much.

I have had a good week of workouts. I ran another old route, a few minutes off my old pace. Not bad. I did a short speed workout today, more just to pound away some anger. My Achilles can handle it, it seems, at least with the help of my Voltaren gel. I have two more weeks to do whatever I want, then I assume this ovarian stimulation thing will start and my life will suck for a while. Lucky me, it coincides with the beginning of a new school year.

The nuns loved her

Andra went this morning for her "preview" day at Catholic preschool. It went GREAT. No crying, no accidents, she charmed the nuns (who called her "sweet" and said they wished all the new kids were that good), and was SOOO excited about her new backpack. Last week we were at Lake George, where she went to camp every morning, and she also had a blast there, so...somehow I got incredibly lucky not to have a kid like me. I was the barnacle girl hanging on to my mom's pant leg. At any rate, I am no longer stressed out about her being the youngest, potty training, etc. She's good to go. And I was so excited when I got the info packet from school with all the school supplies, etc. she needs!

I almost have a goal...run a 5k this fall (September 25th) in under 28 minutes. I'm sad that that's the goal, but...what can I do. I've been lifting a lot lately and feel good about that. Not cycling much AT ALL. The fact that I lost (literally, no idea where he went) my riding partner really did a number on my motivation. And now that I can run a little, I'd rather do a 30 minute run than a 90 minute ride. And then sit on the couch reading with the other 60 minutes! Whatever. I ran 2.5 miles yesterday, starting out at what felt like a "normal" (probably 8:45 though that might be a gross overstimation) pace, but couldn't sustain it for more than about a mile. So I had a couple walk breaks. Whatever. The rest of the day, though, I felt OLD. Decrepit. Both feet/ankles just HURT. But, the run itself was good. Just means I'm better off running later in the day than earlier.

Still...that's my goal. It's out there.

Old route

Ran an old route today...5.5 miles. Walked some. Took an hour. Only real pain was from chafing...gotta buy me some new Body Glide. So now I know I can do it...and it is just fantastic. I've been back to feeling normal for about a month, maybe 6 weeks...and no more excuses. It's true that when you feel like crap, you don't even really realize it until you feel better.

Why we run...

Wendy posted this yesterday on why she runs because she has RA...I love it.

I ran today, my toe was not an issue since I wore shoes that I had previously put a dancer's pad in. I did, however, forget to transfer my orthotics, which made my RA ankle a bit funky, but ultimately it was fine once it warmed up a bit. Only 2 miles, a 10:15 pace when all was said and done (there was some faster and some slower). Can't believe how out of shape I am, but then again, when I checked my heartrate at the end (I need to start wearing the HR monitor again) it was like 145. WTF? I think I lost mental guts even more than fitness. Oh well. I lifted after, and feel good.

Big toe

Argh. So I have been feeling pretty good and have even been able to sleep on my stomach lately, something I can't do when my neck is acting up because it doesn't turn that far. I decided to try to taper off the prednisone again, or at least taper it down. And though my neck is fine, my big toe joint (the sesamoid bones I do believe) is now huge. It's happened before and with a dancer's pad I can keep running, but I can't walk barefoot on our hardwood floors.

I did a 2 hour ride Sunday morning, which also might have contributed...I need to look at my cycling shoes because I think there's a lot of pressure right on that joint.

45 minutes

Just got back from a 45 minute run. Don't ask how far, I don't know and don't want to. I didn't plan to go that long...treadmill runs (on an incline) have been hard. Granted I went slowly, but at 20 minutes I said I would go to 22, then 30, then 35, then 40, then 45. By then I was almost home so I walked the last 5 minutes, and boy did my quads feel like jello for those first few steps. Forgot about that, it's been so long.

Nothing hurt more than usual...I will go ice my heel now because I should, not because it hurts. It' not gong away completely, but I can live with this!

Happy fourth...

Volunteering ... and karma?

Yesterday I volunteered for the local triathlon, one I did last year as an aqua-bike. Because I figured I'd be pregnant by now, and because I had a rough winter, I didn't want to race it. Turned out the be a perfect day, and I kind of wish I had, but volunteering was fun too. I was on the bike course directing people and it was super easy, but fun. Made me want to be outside more, so when I got home I took Pickle and we went to a cute town nearby, walked to the beach, played at the playground, got a chocolate milk, and sat and watched boats. She loved it, I loved it. Except for the fact that my fair skin is extra sun-sensitive right now because of the antibiotics for the Lyme, and so not only do I burn more easily but my skin feels like it's on fire when the sun is on it, it's great to be outside. We are having perfect weather.

I had basically my last PT appointment, and am back to running. Just a little, mostly on the treadmill, on an incline, and SUPER slow. But, it feels good to work up a sweat doing what I love, and with luck I'll be able to be back in slow 5k shape by the fall. Today I ran 1 mile, then .5 and .5. The incline does make it harder, but I am way out of shape, no excuses. Still, volunteering = good karma since I'm coming back (again).

Book Review - RA Related

Over email last week I was contacted by a publicist about a new book by someone with RA, asking if I would like to receive a copy. Sure, why not? I received it today, and...well, read it today. Take Me Home from the Oscars is by Christine Schwab. Apparently she's well known, if you're into TV and fashion. Of course, I'd never heard of her. The book was, obviously, a quick read at just over 200 pages. Not that that's a bad thing. It chronicles her story of RA, from the onset of her symptoms in 1990, through countless failed medications, deformities in her hands, being in the original clinical trials for Enbrel, and finally being basically in remission ever since.

In the beginning, I was a little put off by the fashion/TV/celebrity talk. That was/is her lifestyle and job, but it's pretty foreign to me and just not particularly interesting. She attempted to hide some pretty severe symptoms from everyone, fearing that the image of having RA would cost her contacts and jobs. I think just that whole attitude turned me off a bit to the book, not to the author so much but just that she would even WANT to work with people like that. Still, in the end, it was a good story. Her symptoms were definitely worse than mine, and reading about how she managed to go on (and how she didn't always want to) was a bit vindicating for me and all the times I've worked really hard to not let RA win (moreso in the days before this blog). One line particularly stood out to me, in the "I can relate" way: "Walking distances that I never thought twice about before now seemed painfully long." It's little things like that, things a healthy person would never think about, that make RA such a bitch of a disease.

Some of the typos and grammatical errors (apostrophes where they didn't belong, using "I" where it should have been "me") irked me, I don't understand how people in the BOOK business can't proofread (or know the English language). I could have a second career as an editor, I think...years of reading really crappy 9th grade lab reports...

Overall, I do think people with RA should read the book. There's not much else out there like this, so not much competition, and I respect that Schwab put her story out there. I hope more do.

Doctors

OK, I guess some people do still read...thanks for the comments letting me know!

Wednesday I managed to do a short (14 miles) bike ride followed by an even shorter (1 mile!) run. I sort of wanted to go longer on the bike, but I found myself actually trying to go fast, and figured I'd do the brick instead. Besides, what's the point of going long right now, when I'm not training for a damn thing...and I really wanted to run, but of course can't do that for real yet. Still, the one mile (I'm guessing...it was just under 11 minutes and I'm afraid to map it to see the actual distance), though slow by choice, felt mostly normal. I find myself thinking constantly about my gait, which makes it less fun, but if I can get to the point where I can even do 2 miles and feel good, I will consider that success. I do wonder if I will ever run a marathon again, or even a half. I've been looking at the Achilles Track club, and wondering if joining it will be good for me. But then I realize that it's not the RA that's holding me back, as much as lack of time and motivation. So I just keep thinking about it rather than doing it.

I've been having about 2 doctors appointments a week lately, and this week it was the rheumatologist on Wednesday and my OB today. I honestly love both of them, and more importantly, trust them. The rheumatologist is sending me for tons of xrays of my neck, mostly to rule out atlanto-axial subluxation (I think...truthfully now I can't remember if he thinks it is or isn't that). He said to make sure I'm not pregnant when I go, as they will take a LOT of pictures. Not a problem... Then today I saw the OB. My bloodwork came back looking good in terms of LH and FSH levels. The cyst that was on my ovary last time is gone, and I have one very big follicle which he said looks like I should be ovulating soon, despite the fact that this is day 6 of my cycle. So, with that, and with showing him by BBT charts for the last 2 months which show no ovulation (probably) for one, and late ovulation with a 5 day luteal phase for this past month, he said there's no reason not to just go see a reproductive endocrinologist. Given that the rheumatologist REALLY wants to get me on methotrexate ASAP (which causes horrific birth defects) so I don't go downhill anymore, given that I'm 36 and we've been trying for 7 month (technically they consider 6 months over age 35 as infertile), and given the wacky last two cycles, I totally agree. The OB said they'd do a consult, and likely give me the options of what I wanted to do, anything from nothing to Clomid to IUI to IVF (Connecticut has really good insurance coverage for IVF if you are under 40...not that I have ANY desire to do that).

So I'll make that appointment tomorrow, hopefully for next week. Meantime, in case I am ovulating sooner than normal, we'll be...preparing for that possibility.

The last six months...

These have been, health wise, the worst six months of my life. Possibly I'm exaggerating, as the six months around the time I was diagnosed with RA were probably worse, but that was (gasp) 11 years ago, so I am probably forgetting some of that.

To recap, for myself (since I don't think anyone is reading this anymore!)...Resumed running in November, to do a 5k in December. Quit running about a week later as really bad GI symptoms took over for 2 months and I couldn't do a thing when they hit, usually around 4-6 pm and lasting a couple hours. Although I felt fine outside of those few hours each day, I was trying not to eat much since what goes in must come out...so energy levels were low and frustration high. I resumed running in March when the symptoms went away. Two months of phlegm and bronchitis, two neck flares that required Vicodin, and then I reinjured my Achilles and had to stop running again. PT for the Achilles means it's feeling somewhat better, and I started running a tiny bit (one mile) this week. Despite the GI symptoms which came back 3 weeks ago (maybe a little less severely).

And then, today, this:


Hard to see, but it's a classic bulls eye rash right where I picked the tick off a week ago...classic Lyme disease sign. Everything I researched online after the bite said not to worry if the tick hadn't been attached for less than 24 to 36 hours. And that sucker was on my side less than 6 hours. Well, turns out you shouldn't believe everything you read online. Even from nih.gov. I can't say that I have any symptoms, and it will be treated early compared to a lot of people who get Lyme, but still...really?

And then add the fact that we've been trying to get pregnant again, with no luck, and my last 2 cycles have been anovulatory and all messed up.

I am REALLY hoping I can catch a break and that once school is out (two week from yesterday), I will be feeling better (adding two new prescriptions to my existing cocktail) and able to feel normal again. And eat normally. I've been patient, I think, for me. I'm not pushing myself to do more than I can do right now. Rather than doing the local triathlon (or aqua bike), I signed up to volunteer. Rather than running the local summer series, I am volunteering. I feel good about it, because I don't want to go out and feel awful and defeated just to say I "raced." I'd rather feel good helping others have a good race and hopefully just get better.

It sucks.

Thirty in the mist

Thirty mile bike ride this morning in the rain...er, mist. It was COLD! I wasn't expecting that...before we left I put arm warmers under my windbreaker, and thank goodness I did. There were six of us riding this route, including my friend Amanda from swimming, who finally got herself a road bike after trying to do some tris last year with a hybrid (in her words, "That was such a stupid purchase.). I was expecting to be DONE at the end, but our pace was leisurely (I think we averaged 14.5mph), and the cold weather meant the effort felt a lot less than if it had been hot. So, I felt great afterwards...for about an hour. By 11:30, I was EXHAUSTED. I got Andra down for a nap in the stroller (she actually loves stroller naps and asks for them...great except it meant I had to go walk), and fell asleep on the couch myself. She woke up after about an hour or so, but when I just went to unbuckle her, she said, "No out!" and went back to sleep. My inlaws are supposed to be here soon to babysit and I get to go out...of course, I really just want to go back to sleep too...

Ring the bells that can still ring...

Wow. Nearly a month has gone by. I admit to not having much to blog about, but at the same time, I want to keep up a little bit, as I often go back and read old posts wanting to remember something. So...Achilles is improving. What seems to be helping the most is the electrical stimulation. It hurts A LOT when those 430 volts go into my heel bone...5 seconds on, 5 off, for 20 minutes. But for the last week I've done more normal walking, less limping. I can do more heel raises, and yesterday he showed me a new exercise to do that actually made my calves sore. Which means they are WORKING. Which is progress. We move onto jumping in another week or two, which he says is precursor to running again. I've been patient...why the hell not, you know? I might as well do what I'm told to heal this. I've been lifting twice a week and doing cardio once...bike mostly. Whatever...I'm accepting the seasonality of life, of MY life, and this is just a down time. Trying to control it would be torture. Accepting it feels right. When I can do more, I will do more. A friend of mine who has stage 4 breast cancer posted this quote:

“ Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. ”– Leonard Cohen (apparently a song, not surprisingly one I've never heard of)

I like it. At the moment it feels like none of the bells can still ring...but that's not true. Just accept.

I admit to being jealous of those who seem able to handle everything...jobs, families, stresses...and still manage to train, get faster, etc. That does me no good, but it's how I feel.

Trying to get the guts to sign up for a (flat) century ride out to Montauk in June. I have nothing else to look forward to athletically this year.

I volunteered at the Mother's Day 10k, and had blast. It was definitely more fun than running. Still, I wish I could have run it. I hope I am just building good karma.......

Started physical therapy

I started physical therapy for my heel. I've gone twice, and I like the therapist, Dave. I feel like I'm doing something. For so many months now I've just been slogging through, not feeling well, not knowing what's real and what's just an excuse, losing even more fitness, getting muffin top (weight isn't changing...obviously body composition IS), eating like crap, and, while not being depressed, just being incredibly BLAH. I HATE HATE HATE that I've gotten to the point where I can run on my RA ankle, but my Achilles ankle hurts like a motherfucker. Well, truthfully, the RA hurt a lot more, but I think I am more willing to tolerate that pain, since it's not ever really going away for good. An injury though, is almost insulting. Especially when I've gotten injured doing SO LITTLE.

Nonetheless. I have basically been limping for so long on both legs that I have very weak gastrocnemius muscles, very strong soleus muscles, and weaknesses in my hips and glutes. I've been doing some strengthening exercises along with ice massages (ow...brings back memories of high school stress fracture days). I'm getting ultrasound treatments during therapy, and he might stimulate the bone with electricity if thing don't get better in 3 weeks. It's not exactly the Achilles, it's where it inserts into the outside of my calcaneus bone. This is the best description I can find online. Dave told me to stop jumping (no boot camp, or severely modified boot camp), and since I can't run or walk, that leaves cycling (spontaneous so far this season due to weather, but looking up for next week) and swimming...I've been back in the pool twice this week, some swimming and some water running. But I just can't get serious right now, without running. I NEED IT. I know that if it's really ever out for good, or for a long long time, I need to get over it. And I did that last year, satisfactorily. But then I started again, and I can't let go of it.

I picked up at the library the book Run Like a Mother and started it last night. There's a lot in there that I need right now (and a lot I don't, it's a real hodge podge of random stuff). Just the stories of runners who were good, then life got in the way, they stopped running, and when they started again found it so hard and slow. It is so therapeutic to read that I'm not alone.

Anyway...