Fat

6 weeks 1 day. Today was the first day of hunger/nausea (not bad just noticeable). I know I started this pregnancy not in good shape (compared to marathon PR shape last time) and it's pregnancy number two and I had a couple (3?) pounds on my starting weight from last time (149 vs 146 but more fat this time) but I did t expect to look like this so soon. And feel like this. I posted a pic at 15 weeks last time and I think I look worse now. I hope it doesn't continue. I feel like I have stronger abs this time but more fat on top of them. I know I hated the fat but not pregnant looking phase last time but it's so early andover last longer this time. Argh.

Heartbeat!

1400

Levels doing what they're supposed to do. Ultrasound Monday at 5w5d.

214

So more than doubled. That's good. More bloodwork Wednesday then ultrasound Monday the 16th. Almost 6 weeks then but probably too early for heartbeat.... That'll be nerve wracking.

87.5

Positive. 87.5, they said anything over 50 is good and it doesn't seem high enough to be twins.

I'm still not allowed to relax though, huh?

I can say this now, though. I KNEW this one worked.

(Thanks for the comments, RunningMama and Nitsirk...)

16 hours

Not quite so patient any more. I can't full out admit it, but I am really hopeful. Which means if I'm wrong, it's going to be worse than last time. When I wasn't hopeful, but still hung on to a thread of a chance. Tonight I've been reading infertility blogs, all sorts. It just helps, reading how others get through and what they feel and knowing it sucks but I'm normal.

I'm driving back to the satellite clinic tomorrow, where I did most of my monitoring, rather than into Manhattan. I won't pee on a stick...I consciously didn't buy any when I went to Target today. This has been my mantra all cycle, something I found on Pinterest:



16 more hours til they call.

Patiently

Waiting. Test Wednesday. No spotting like last time. Hopeful...

They are in

Two, 7 & 8 cells. Good quality. Now more waiting.

I just compared these two with last cycles two. Huge difference... These are pretty! Going to try to take RunningMama's advice and be deliriously optimistic.

Top pic is last time bottom is this time.

Two

Two fertilized. Same as last time. Feel slightly more positive. Co culture....

Three

After all that... Three eggs.

But I did manage to finally cry. Albeit for only a minute and I had no privacy.

Scatterbrained

Can't focus on anything. Went into the city for 6:30 this morning for all the pre op paperwork and blood as ultrasound and then rushed back so I wouldn't miss my entire honors lab. Got there with about 40 minutes left (the kids are a pain in the butt but I love them and they were happy to see me instead of the sub which you gotta love) and somehow went on autopilot teaching projectile motion, then took my next class into the planetarium (yeah we have one in our school) and automatically did the lesson on the path of the sun. Advantage of doing the same thing for 11 years...I don't always have to think.

The dr today saw 5 follicles all good size but yesterday there were 6 so I hope she just missed one. Retrieval tomorrow. Transfer on Saturday. Hoping 4 fertilize and maybe we put back two and freeze two? If we get 3 maybe we put back all 3? Two more weeks.

Six

Six follicles working. They range from 22.5mm to 11.7mm, so a big range, but the doctor today (whom I like because he pulls the sheet down between my legs after he puts the ultrasound probe in, so I feel way less exposed...why don't they all do that?) said he thinks I should trigger tonight (though slim chance not til tomorrow) and they should get 6 eggs. Not all guaranteed mature, but hey, 6 is 33% more than the 4 I got last time. And this time I was on half the meds.

Very, very antsy. Just want this done.

Double!

Managed a double workout today...ran 4 miles at school after my bloodwork and ultrasound (looks like maybe 5 follicles...biggest 14mm, then 11, 9, 2 or 3 less than 10...so maybe I'll only get 3, it's still a bit early though) since I didn't have to teach until 10, and then went to TRX tonight just because I could.

After feeling so awful for a long time, it is a relief to realize (again and again) that the reason I was so "lazy" was because I was SICK.

Good egg vibes

My friend Jessica (who's been through this) texted today that,

"I do like that you are cycling close to Easter. Good egg vibes."

Cracked me up, and changed my tune a little. A little more positive going into monitoring in the morning...


And in case you didn't see it on Facebook, isn't this the best picture?

Spring run

Ran an easy 2.5 miles today, in the weather everyone is talking about. The two weeks or so I took off due to my GI stuff took a toll. I started taking Entocort, a steroid (another one, yeah), to see if it helped. It did. Which is good except that that means the issue is probably autoimmune...Crohn's, likely, but who knows. I'm just happy to have relief and hope it lasts. I was so wiped out...RA has nothing on this. I would come home from school feeling awful and just being exhausted. Gym? No chance. On the rare days when I felt ok, that's the only time I really believed how bad it was on the bad days. The good days, I wanted to go to the gym...so I knew it wasn't just laziness. Anyway...just one more thing.

Bloodwork and ultrasound today...about 6 little follicles, same as last time. They are small...but I've only been on Follisitim and Menopur for 2 night so far, and I guess I really have no idea what the Clomid was supposed to do. I don't go back til Thursday which is nice. I add in Ganirelix today til the end, which seems strange to me given how small they all are (there is one bigger one...maybe it's for that?), but I'm not overthinking it. Just doing what I'm told.

It hit me today on the drive back to work, most things in life, you work hard and learn and try your best and good things come a a result. This is one of the only things ever that I feel like I have no control over. That's hard.

Endometrial biopsy

Eh, no big deal. An HSG test hurt more and took longer. This was so quick (about 10 seconds, if that), I almost didn't need a sub for school (I taught my morning class, drove into the city, missed one class but made it back just in time for my afternoon lab). I liked the doctor who did it...he was very friendly, chatty, good sense of humor. Damned if I can remember his name, though. Insurance might even cover this too...meaning I am lucky enough to be spending more on NYC parking that on meds or the actual IVF procedure.

Round 2

Went into Manhattan this morning to do bloodwork related to co-culture. Tomorrow I go back for the biopsy. Then Saturday I start estrogen patches until I get my period and then it's clomid and whatever other drugs Ivan on this time. I think it is less of the injectables but the clomid is supposed to be kind of bad do... Trade off.

Ambivalence

As cycle #2 gets closer here's what I'm thinking.

First, I've decided to spend 30 days focusing on eating less, losing weight, being disciplined. It was precipitated by yet another bout of colitis...probably related to something autoimmune as it all turns out. I am on another drug for it (I think I'm taking over 10 pills a day now, including vitamins and supplements, plus my Enbrel shot weekly...I'm the healthiest sick person I know though) but so far, not helping. My only relief comes from not eating...which, of course, brings its own problems. So I've decided just to eat the minimum. Probably it's about what I was eating when I lost weight in 2006, maybe 1200-1500 calories a day. Pain is a good motivator. We'll see what happens...I'm on day 5 and doing well, feeling pretty good.

When IVF #2 starts in mid-March, I'll either have good abs going into the pregnancy, or good abs for summer. I think this is partly protecting myself, but I kind of don't even want to do the cycle. I'm happy with just Andra. I want another kid, but not another baby.
It isn't something I really feel able to think through thoroughly because I don't know what the outcome will be. To spend energy wondering what my life will be like with or without at this point isn't productive although I really want to. I just don't then want to choose which ending I want and then get the other.

Getting in a groove and it's over...

Second day of 3 miles in the morning. Plus some lifting and abs and stretching. Damn, and vacation is almost over.

Considering a little more the idea of getting a treadmill. The basement will be much cleaner after some time spent down there today, and this weekend we will move my old white iron twin bed into Andra's room (once we buy a boxspring) which will leave only her disassembled crib and some seasonal storage stuff. But largely the main room will be cleared and cleaned and there is plenty of room for a treadmill. I just figure...as important as the Y was to me for the last 6 years, it's just less so now. All the classes I used to take...I don't go because they are all at 6:30pm. Saturday is just TRX now, and I haven't even been in the pool in months (longer? a year?). There are weights and everything at school. I have the bike trainer in the basement, and a Jillian Michaels DVD I haven't actually opened yet. All my workouts are 40 minutes or less. My old trainer said she's going to again do an outdoor bootcamp when the weather improves (yeah, 6:30, but I'll manage to get there sometimes). And I think, just maybe, I could set my alarm for 5:15 to get in a 3 mile run a couple times a week if I knew I didn't have to leave my house. So I figure $1000 (aka a Y membership for a year) will get me something good enough, but I plan to go look tomorrow and just start thinking more seriously. I started thinking about this a while ago, but am more serious now.

Thinking more about upcoming IVF #2. My brother is having kid #2 in May, my other sister in law has started sort of trying (I think after our troubles, she realizes maybe waiting isn't the best idea, she's my age), all the people on Facebook...I'm not jealous really at all, I still contend that in the end if we only have Andra I'm good with that. (Maybe we'd adopt later, an older, 3-ish kid...part of me wonders if that's part of the plan for us.) But still, hard not to have a bit of baby fever. Hard to look at that disassembled crib in the basement and wonder how long it'll be there before we either need it or get rid of it. Hard to hear my mom keep saying it's time for another Christmas in Mexico (something we've done a few times), knowing maybe I'd be pregnant or with a newborn if this next cycle works (I still haven't told them anything).

Sigh. And while I'd be ok with a negative outcome eventually, that doesn't mean the next 2 or 3 months won't just utterly suck.

Oh, and my neck x-rays came back normal. They didn't do all the views the doctor wanted, even though I asked the tech, but...whatever. If there really is something that would show on those views, the doctor said it would be minimal given that the other views were fine.

Long time. Off this week for February break and expected good things in terms f working out but... Something always comes up. This time it was an RA flare in my neck and two toe joints. So yeah no running. It was better today, no prednisone or Vicodin but I still didn't make it to work out. I have had some good runs lately including a 5.5 miler that felt great although a repeat hasn't been attempted. I picked up some old issues of Runner's World trying to get inspiration back. Eh... Not yet. I do understand that there's a lot going on for me right now and am generally way more understanding of myself than i used I be with less of the guilt that I am just being a slacker. That is largely due to accepting that I am one though. I just don't have the focus or goals I used to and apparently don't want them that badly. That does make me sad.

In IVF news I got my period after a 42 day cycle and tentatively have my endometrial biopsy March 6. Then I would start stims that cycle mid march.

I got neck X-rays yesterday. My rheumatologist wanted them in June but I put it off because I didn't want anyone bad news and I didn't want to be in any more doctors' offices. Assume they will call me with results this week. Don't expect anything bad but I know it will show erosions. All the crunching I hear is the same I had in my wrists and ankle and they are damaged so.... No surprises but I guess good to have a baseline.