Swimming and One More Try...

First Master's Swim was tonight. Super nervous but then it was of course fun. Tonight was just short, we swam a 100 (1:48) and a 200 (4:11) (thanks Michelle for clarifying!!) so the coach could see which group we belonged in (Tuesday nights are beginners like me, Weds are the hard cores).

And I made an appointment with a new ankle guy to get the cortisone shot. I need to push this and get one before I resign myself to not running for a while. So Monday afternoon...we'll see. I didn't push with the other guy because it wasn't this bad. And I don't want to go back to that guy because he doesn't take my insurance and I don't want to pay $125 to be told no again. So this will cost $20 and hopefully he'll just do it. There's no downside to trying, worst is it won't work.

Worst RA flare ever

So New Year's Eve sucked big time. My neck has been "affected" by the RA for a few months now (and years ago too, though it went away then). Maybe around 5 or 6 New Year's Eve I noticed it was feeling stiffer. I had up til then had a great day, and I even ran an easy 3.1 miles on the treadmill (bringing my weekly total to 5.1, the biggest I've had all month). By the time I put Andra to bed, it was obvious I was having a flare. I don't remember exactly, but I started popping my prednisone pills around that time hoping to head it off. Nope. By 8:30 or 9 I was pretty much in agony. The 30mg of prednisone (that's 6 of my 5mg pills...lately I've been taking 5mg a day, so that's a big increase) plus the naprosyn and Tylenol didn't seem to do anything. I don't think I can do justice to how this felt. I've had pinched nerves, I've been to the chiropractor for "regular" neck pain. I can't describe it, but I will try.

First, I had zero range of motion in my neck. Not side to side, not up and down, NOTHING. There was absolutely no position that offered any remote comfort - not sitting up, lying down, resting my head on something, NOTHING. When I finally went to bed (9:30, for the record) I didn't fall asleep for hours. I honestly don't even know how I managed to out on my pajamas or brush my teeth other than sheer will. The worst part was actually lying down. Turns out, anything you do when you move involves your neck. Not something we would ordinarily think about. Until everytime you try to move, you want to scream in pain. The act of lying down...I could sit on the bed, but the lying down part took a few tries. Seriously. I would start to lie down, and it hurt too much. To lie down, you have to control your head. You have to contract your neck muscles to support the weight of you head. I couldn't do it. Eventually I think I put my hands on my head and one hand grabbed a chunk of hair and the other was behind my neck, and I did it. But then, it's not like I was comfortable, or done. And to turn over, to adjust the pillow, ANYTHING, was agony. At one point I told my husband that if I didn't feel better in an hour we were going to the ER because I needed narcotic pain relief. Remember that I gave birth with no epidural, no pain meds. I won't say this was quite that bad, but it was close, and it lasted longer. I did have to get up to pee and get more meds once (it was 11:59 believe it or not. I didn't care.). But that meant I had to figure out the whole lying down thing again. My husband brought up some Vicodin that he's had from a while back and I took one. Around 4:30 am I woke up and felt better, though still today it's not quite back to normal.

I've had other flares, but not for a long time. A couple years. And then, it was "just" my wrists, or ankles, or random fingers. I could splint my wrists so that they wouldn't move. The ankle, well, that was trickier. Your neck...it affects everything. So whether this was a worse flare or just a worse location I can't say. But I hopr it never ever happens again.

So, New Year's Eve pretty much blew for me. I have enough prednisone to get through til Monday, and will see what my doctor says.

You know, I was doing really well getting back into working out this week, too. Spinning twice, running and lifting, running again. Not like I was overdoing anything. There's no reason for this flare, other than it's been building. Don't know what it means. Is Enbrel stopping working for me? In general I wouldn't mind if I went on another biologic, but Enbrel was fine during pregnancy and I don't know what I'd do when we're ready for another kid. Maybe I just need to be back on a higher maintenance does of prednisone, but that isn't exactly what I want either.

For as much as I named this blog "Muscles and RA," the RA has taken a big backseat til lately. For the next while I'm afraid it's going to make itself known.

Happy New Year

2009. Quite the year. Andra's first full calendar year.

In Lil Runner's style, here's my recap:

Biggest Surprise: nursing as long as I did. (Andra's adenoids, and the fact that she could not breathe and nurse, made me quit at 7 months, and that was fine.)

Biggest Accomplishment: I PR'd in a 5k in May. Not that I am even close to that now, but I am proud that I took on that challenge and followed through.

Biggest Disappointment: that I never managed to really want to run longer than an hour. I did a handful of 7+ mile runs, but without enthusiasm.

Biggest Challenge: going back to work. It's not a big deal now that she's old enough to play and interact and I can see that she likes daycare, and I like working (teacher hours!), but it was very hard when Andra was still little.

Biggest Transformation: Andra without her hemangioma.

Biggest Lesson: chill out. I stressed about things that in retrospect I shouldn't have: my weight (once I quit nursing it was back to normal), Andra (kid adapts just fine), guilt about daycare and fitting everything in. Eh...it all works out.

Things I'm proud of from 2009: Figuring out a good balance of work/workout, even if it's not the same as before. 5k PR, plus a 4 mile PR (I wanted 3 PRs this year, 2 is good). Having such an easy going, laid back kid (not sure how much credit I can take for that one, but...).

Things I am planning for 2010: Master's swim (starts next week...gulp). Riding the trainer regularly this winter and spring. Half marathon (maybe spring, maybe fall, slow is fine as long as I get back to doing long runs). Olympic distance triathlon (assuming I learn to like swimming a little more). More cycling this summer, alone if need be but I will try to find other people. In general, trying to find more people to hang out with...other moms to run/walk with (my friend Jessica and her baby are moving back to Chicago in March, big bummer), people to train with. Reading more.

We're staying in tonight and cooking filet mignon and cheese fondue for 2, plus margaritas (yeah, I love those).

RA and Pregnancy

A couple links to the OTIS study I was a part of. The first has information about pregnancy and a bunch of common RA drugs. Somehow I did not see this before becoming pregnant, even though it was a 2006 publication AND I knew about the OTIS study. The second link is to the preliminary results of the Enbrel and pregnancy study that I was a part of. Just in case anyone reading has RA and is in the market for a kid!

http://www.otispregnancy.org/pdf/Chambers.RA.rvw.2006.pdf

http://www.otispregnancy.org/hm/inside.php?sid=7&id=40

I had 3 new commenters after my last post. It's fun that people find and read the blog, you know? I have been pretty bad with commenting on blogs lately...I have to clean up my bookmarks to get rid of the blogs I don't really like anymore (no one who comments here!) and make room for some new ones. It's exhausting!

So although I haven't been running, I have been on the trainer and spinning, and figuring out an NSAID routine to keep the ankle pain at bay. Probably not quite enough to run yet...there's clearly something going on in there...but Fred and I did take a good 45 minute walk yesterday (with one sprint up a hill, he likes to think he can beat me when I'm down...though in his defense he was pushing the BOB) and it was good til the very end. But I'm getting into the trainer thing mentally, and it sure is convenient having it right in the basement and all. (And, yes, I finally cleaned up the cat puke from Thanksgiving that was down there...though it needs more work than just that to become a pleasant place to hang out.)

Andra has healed up beautifully, as you can see below. I did something perhaps not perfectly kosher though. One tiny stitch had been inadvertantly left in when the rest were removed, and today at the pediatrician's for Andra's 1-year shots (we held off til after the surgery), the doctor said she could "probably" take it out for us, but she wanted "permission" from the surgeon. I did call the office (still waiting for a reply), but during a diaper change I took a pair of tweezers, nail clippers, and in one quick snip got it out without a flinch or a wiggle from Andi. No problem. (This was after much Googling about stitches and how you really could take them out yourself.) Now I have to buy Mederma for Kids so I don't have any lasting guilt if she has even the tiniest bit of evidence left over from my handiwork.

My mom knit this sweater for Iris and it was one of MANY recent hand-me-downs. So cute! Click on the picture if you want the huge version to see the scar/healing.

Still not running

I keep testing out running. I did 2 miles last week (including half a mile barefoot, just to see)** , 2 tonight. It's not fun. Not only have I lost fitness in the last month, but my ankle hurts. No way around it. The sucky thing is, some times during the day it feels fine, like I could run no problem. But it's hit or miss, and everytime I've gone to run, it's been miss.

I went to spin class Saturday, that was good. I rode the bike on the trainer Sunday, that was good. I am starting this masters swim in 2 weeks, that is good. I can still lift just fine, I just haven't been (but will start again, this has been admittedly a tough and crazy month). So there's no excuse to throw in the towel and not work out. But.

I. AM. A. RUNNER.

I can be a cyclist this summer, but until it warms up enough for my candy ass to get outside, I am missing running. And the thing is, even walking, I limp. So it's not like I can go for a walk instead. Which in my book would now completely count as a work out (and, has counted as such for a good year and a half).

It's fine sort of, in that I've never really had any injuries that have put me out. So maybe I'm due this. Yet, it's not an injury, and so that sucks. I assume it will be fine at some point, but who knows when. I will go back to the foot guy for an MRI and to try a cortisone shot if the prednisone I'm on now doesn't do anything. But of course, it's not a flare, it just IS, so the prednisone really ISN'T doing anything. Though it is helping my neck, so maybe it is a flare. I don't know.

**So about the running barefoot, I've been curious. Wendy has RA and runs a LOT barefoot, and says it has helped despite having foot issues. I did half a mile, which is actually longer than recommeded for starting out, as it takes time for the body to adjust. The thing is, my first mile with shoes sucked so much that I was just frustrated, so even though running barefoot didn't necessarily feel good, it did feel a little better, plus I had no expectations for it to feel good so it helped me not want to punch something. I'd give it a more serious try if running at all becomes more feasible.

Phew...Hemangioma Surgery Report

Before and After:




Thank God that's over. The quick version, because I have tons of emails from my students to answer about a lab that's due because I wasn't in school today or yesterday.

We were scheduled for a 10:30 surgery, so we got Andra up before 7 so she could have some apple juice (no solids, no milk after 4am, and we weren't about to wake her up then, so she hadn't eaten since dinner/milk Tuesday night). Drove into the city (about an hour), got to Beth Israel hospital around 8:30 (an hour early, but with traffic around here you never know), and had time for a bagel and coffee (felt badly that Andra couldn't eat but she didn't seem to care). There was another couple with one of their 9 month old twin girls there for a hemangioma on her arm (her twin had had about 7 removed 2 months earlier and the parents couldn't say enough about Dr. Waner and the results). They finally went in around 9:30, we finally went in around noon. Andra was a champ, didn't protest the no eating, no drinking thing at all.

I braved up and asked about the possibility of Dr. Waner looking at Andra's adenoids too. We knew they were enlarged, making it hard for her to breather through her nose (and hence smell, taste) and causing her chronic runny nose, and we were pretty sure they'd have to come out at some point, so even though I felt awkward asking, I knew Dr. Waner was in fact an ENT and so I did. He was so nice about it, saying of course he'd take a look and if they looked bad he'd take them out. So I was happy because I trusted his opinion.

Fred wanted to be the one to go with her while they gassed her to sleep, so my last view of her was a smiley baby pointing at the doctor's nose (the girl likes noses). Fred came back a little shaken up, but it was only about 30 seconds that she was crying.

We got an update around 1:30 from one of the other doctors, who said the hemangioma was a piece of cake (AND he took a picture of it for me...gross but cool) and that the adenoids did in fact need to come out. So out they came! Nice, because it means we avoid another surgery (and the agony of making the decision of when, and if, and whether...) and kill two birds with one stone. Down side is, recovery is worse. With just the H, we would've been out and home a couple hours later (we saw the other baby walking out soon after they took Andra up). In this case, they hemmed and hawed and decided to keep her overnight because her breathing was labored due to airway swelling from the adenoids and being intubated. Guess it's typical for under-3's and adenoidectomies, but since this was a bit unexpected, we were of course unprepared. No big deal. Recovery was rough...she was so disoriented and I swear she cried more in 10 hours after than in the whole previous 12 months combined. Seriously, the girl is not a crier so it was rough to hear. I almost lost it twice, but really that wasn't an option. She vomited ALL OVER me once (I saw it coming and just waited...what could I do? And did I mention, I didn't have a change of clothes?) and did NOT want to be put down. She slept a good chunk of the night on my chest, and when I did manage to transfer to her crib without pulling out any of the 5 things attached to various parts of her body, I got about 30 minutes of poor sleep before someone would come in and do something. Seriously, I was not impressed by the PICU nurses.

When they woke us up at 5:40am (seriously?), Andra was happy, pointing, bouncing, and we had a good day. She was exhausted and went to bed around 5:30 tonight, has woken once already but hopefully will sleep a good chunk of the night so I can catch up so I can go to work tomorrow (Fred and my dad are staying with her).



The two pictures above I got with my phone, the first still in the hospital and the second tonight at home. She needs to have the drainage tube removed tomorrow (hopefully) and stitches will come out in a week, and soon enough Dr. Waner says she'll have no noticeable scar at all. And her baby facelifted eyebrows will settle down in 6-8 weeks, they had to stretch the skin a bit to close.

Birthday Pictures

Masters Swim???

Found out yesterday about a Masters swim program that runs for 10 weeks, is designed for triathletes, has one day for experienced swimmers and one day for people like me, and...meets from 8:30-10 at night once a week. Meaning, I could go. Registration is TODAY. I think I am skipping my short run to go sign up before taking Andra to the pediatrician for her 1 year appointment and clearance for Wednesday's surgery.

I can do this, right????

(UPDATE: I called to register. I DID IT. I paid money. So now I have to go, right?? Starts in January! Oh, and I guess now I could still run. I have tons of nervous energy though! But it's good...I only regret things I don't do, not things I DO.)

Gifts that feel good

I've been searching for a gift for my uncle. He's coming for Christmas, along with my parents and aunt, and my brother, sister-in-law and niece. My uncle is single, rich, opinionated, needs nothing and has everything. Kind of the typical crotchety old man, except funny and we like him. So far I have gotten him a mousepad with a picture of him and Andra (or, "Sandy" as he calls her...he figured when he got the email a year ago saying she was born, that Andra must have been a typo). I've decided that from now on, I'm just going to find a neat charity-type thing and send a gift in his name instead. So in addition to the mousepad, this year he's going to buy okra seeds for some woman in a war-torn country.

In my search for a unique way to help, I came across this site. You buy a gift card, and the recipient "spends" it by donating to a charity of their choice. What a perfect gift for a kid!! We were lucky and Andra didn't get much in the way of presents this year, but even so, the house is getting overrun (it kind of looks like a kid lives here now...we were trying to avoid that, we have a small house!). But seriously, what better way to teach kids to give. Well, probably there are better ways, but this is good AND EASY. And even for grown-ups...we all MEAN to give to charity, but honestly, I rarely get around to it most of the time.

Happy Birthday Andra!

She's officially 1.

We had a great little party with a super cute cake my husband made and decorated (a hidden talent). Just family, very low key and fun. Andra played with the frosting on her little cake, but the girl does NOT get the concept of feeding herself, so we helped her out a little so she could taste it. At least I didn't have to worry about a hyped-up-on-sugar baby come bedtime.

She also learned to climb stairs today. Following cousin Iris was good motivation. And, even though we haven't opened all the presents, my favorite is the one from Iris - one of her old toys that Andra played with last time we were in the city visiting. Seriously, presents are silly for a 1 year old, but recycled presents are genius! I don't have to feel guilty that someone spent more money on a toy for my kid than I would (we only buy from consignment shops or tag sales) AND Andra gets a "new" toy.

The pictures are all on my husband's fancy schmancy camera so I can't post any here but hopefully he will put them online soon so I can post them.

I love margaritas.

Just went out and had a couple drinks with two friends (Sarita, you know who you are). Super fun (obviously I never get to go out anymore), and they happen to be people who work out, so of course some of the talk got on to that topic. Point being, I'm glad I took my week break, and I'll probably take two more (just let me get through Andra's surgery) BUT THEN I AM READY! I am ready to run in 30 degree weather. I am ready to build up to 13 miles for a long run.

It's amazing what a few days off and a couple margaritas will do for my attitude.

On a completely unrelated topic...

I just spent a whole free period figuring out a lecture on the history of plate tectonics. And it was FUN. Too bad I just finished that unit...I kind of winged it...but I'll be so ready for next year!

RA ankle

I'm giving myself a week with no forced workouts. I still WANT to go to the two classes I go to, I might WANT to go and lift another time. But even though I have last period free today and COULD make myself run, I am not going to. December is relax month. Then I hope my motivation will be back in January to step it up for a spring half (maybe in DC!).

My other reason for taking it easy, besides mental, is my ankle. I just made an appointment for next week to talk to my rheumatologist. This is so annoying! My RA is NOT flaring. It's just that my ankle is stiff and painful. Even walking. Not BAD bad, just ANNOYING. Normally you don't think about your ankles when you walk. I do now, and really, who needs that? My neck at the base of my skull is also bothering me and I think it's the RA too. I like my doctor and hopefully he will have some suggestions...change or increase medications, insist on a cortisone shot in the ankle, orthotics, physical therapy, prednisone (even though it's not a flare)...who knows. I don't think backing off on running will help or hurt, it's just that running (and walking) are uncomfortable now so I don't want to do them. And then there's the guilt for not wanting to, the fear that I'll lose what little running fitness I have retained, etc. But there's nothing to DO about it, I just have to figure out the best way to make the best of it. I'm confident everything will clear up (my wrists the last year or two have been so much better than 5 or 6 years ago) but I can't know when. The unpredictability of the disease always throws me for a loop. But since I also need a mental break, I will take all this for what it's worth and just give myself a few weeks to chill out. And hopefully not eat too much chocolate. And peanut butter.

C goal

Thank goodness for attainable C goals. At one point I thought if I trained I might be able to pull off an 8:08 pace for a 40:40 5 mile turkey trot finish (A goal). Clearly I was delusional, both about my commitment to training and about my willingness to push. Throw in the fact the the entire race was spent dodging and weaving around slower people and plenty who stopped to walk, and any hope of a "race" was doomed. But I was pleased just to run. Seriously, I thought I placed myself well in the mass start...looked like a few hundred people in front of me (3800 finishers in this race), and I could tell plenty of those people clearly belonged in the back. I felt a little badly because I knew I also should have been farther back, but what do you do in this kind of race where there are so many non-runners who place themselves right at the front despite the fact they will get in everyone's way? So I thought I made a good compromise. Anyway, when the gun went off, it took me a full minute and a half to cross the start line. There were probably a thousand people in front of me, from the looks of it. The first mile was 9:09, which surprised me as it felt much slower with no elbow room and all the weaving. Second mile was my best, 8:41, but by then I realized that not only was I not into going faster, it would've been tough even if I had been. Seriously, the race did not thin out at all along the entire course. 8:55 for mile 3, 9:03 for mile 4, and 8:52 for mile 5 just to make sure I hit that C goal of under 45 minutes. 44:41 chip time, which is an 8:56 pace. I got what I paid for...I didn't put in the training to do better, and I'm ok with that. It wasn't the most pleasant race ever, I did feel like I was working a bit. Weirdly, my body felt heavy and stiff while my lungs and breathing weren't labored at all. I wish I had been wearing a heart rate monitor, I need to find mine! Haven't used it since being pregnant...not sure why. Anyway, I think I haven't been doing enough road running and treadmill running is (obviously) easier (especially when I refuse to add incline to make up for that). So, I'm going to relax a bit until January and hope at that point I have the motivation to get ready for a half. I honestly don't think I'm going to worry about doing a FAST half (which for me would be near my 1:53 PR, even under 2 would be fast), just under a 10 minute pace. I don't need the pressure of a time goal, I need the desire and motivation to just have fun with it.

Two weeks til Pickle's birthday. Two weeks and two days til her surgery. Found out I have to take her for bloodwork late next week and the pediatrician said it would be traumatizing. I guess they take the blood from the arm just like adults, and I can only imagine that strapping her arm (or her?) down will NOT be fun. Truthfully, I'm more stressed out about this than tha actual surgery.

Maintenance Miles

I'm still not training for anything (other than this Thursday's 5 mile Turkey Trot, and "training" was a loose word) but I need be more consistent. With the time change and it being dark before 4:30 (with another month of shortening days yet) I've had a tough time working out more than 4 days a week. Two days (Tuesday and Saturday) are classes at the gym, so they're easy not to miss. Once a week I'm pretty good at working out during lunch, and usually I can manage once right after school. Sometimes a walk = a workout.

I keep toying with the idea of walking up early to work out after school, and even set my alarm this morning, but now, without a training plan or goal, I am kidding myself if I think it's going to happen. (It didn't, this morning.) So I'm going to try to get back to 5 days a week. I need to get in more running days (3-4) and make then short...hence the Maintenance Miles. I went today at lunch and told myself "Just 30 minutes." Easy, quick way to get in 3.5 miles or so. No excuses not to do that twice a week at school, one longer day outside, and...gulp...the Sunday long runs need to happen once I commit to a half in the spring.

I think January will see me getting out on Sundays again. Before then...not so sure. This weekend I found out a couple friends want to do a half too...and theoretically say they will get together Sundays, or even every other Sunday, to do long runs together. One I believe, the others, I am not so sure. One is my speed, the others a bit slower, but I DON'T CARE. If they will show up, I will run with them. Because I don't have the drive to do it myself. Especially not in winter!

We're moving...

Crawling, that is. Andra started a couple weeks ago and right now is the first time she's crawled away to go explore on her own. Naturally, she went into the cat's room (the sun room). She is happily playing with the catnip toys as Pokey watches safely out of reach on the couch.

I was moving too...ran at lunch today. I almost couldn't, when I got to the fitness center there was a gym class about to go in, but when I asked the teacher if I had any chance of getting one, she kept the class outside until I changed and ran in to claim one! I didn't even stop to pee for fear of not getting the treadmill so that kind of sucked, but beat not running at all since I actually had the motivation today. All the kids would have done is walk, and there are tons of stationary bikes for them to pretend to work out on, and only 3 treadmills. So I was happy!

We're going to see the Michael Jackson movie tonight, and then out for a quick bite to eat. This is the first time someone other than Fred or me will put Andra to bed. She will be fine and it's time, but I will worry! The babysitter is a former student, now a senior and she's taking AP child development (who knew there was such an AP course) so she's well qualified!

(update...of course they had a fabulous time, as did we!)

Hemangioma musings...

Just a little fall picture. This shows how big her hemangioma is. I really don't even notice it anymore, but every now and then I'm like, wow, that's big! I try to see, when we're out, if I notice people looking at her. They do. But then, when I put a hat on her and the H is covered up, they also look (presumably because she's JUST THAT CUTE). So since people look regardless, it's become no big deal. Except when kids say something. Now kids are kids, but man can they be tactless. So, I am glad we are having it removed. Except I really do think she's going to look...different. Sigh.

Pleasant...

Had a pleasant run yesterday after school in great warm temps. Ran from school, almost 5 miles of a route I ran once or twice in the spring. It's nice to be at the point where, when I remember good runs from the past, not all of those runs are from pre-baby days! I ran a little under a 9 min/mi pace, felt great. Ankle was bad Saturday (bad enough that I opted out of some of the jumping stuff in boot camp) but a little extra naproxen and it has been fine since. Go figure.

So I don't do long runs anymore. Everything I run is 4-6 miles. Which is fine since I'm not training for anything, but I'm going to have to figure out how to do them again if I want to do a spring half.

Ankle again

Andra's back in full swing...happy again (we had a fussy couple of days, highly unusual), crawling like a champ, and getting much better at standing without falling over (for a couple seconds at least!). We just found out the insurance company WILL pay for her hemangioma surgery (well, 80% of it since the doctor is out of network) which is now scheduled for December 16, 4 days after her birthday. I bought her a strawberry hair clip off of etsy for post-surgery, because I think she will look really different without the hemangioma and it will take me some time to get used to her without a big red thing on her head! So the clip will be a transition object for me!

My ankle has been a pain in the ass lately. For the past 3 weeks or so it's been bothersome. Not enough to stop my running of course. But it does hurt. It's similar to one of the many ways my wrists have felt, so it's not really freaking me out, more like grossing me out. Yesterday I managed the usual 5.5 mile loop just fine, but a number of times, my ankle would randomly crunch. It was not painful, just that creepy crepitus where it sounds and feels like bones and junk crunching around in there. Icky. I have two things to do as I wait this phase of the RA out...one, I need to talk to my rheumatologist again about if I should push for the cortisone injection, and two, talk to my friend who is a massage therapist and set up a few short sessions where she will work on all the tendons and things in my left leg. She did this for my wrists/arms once and it was really amazing. And possibly after the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving I might try a couple weeks without running and see if it helps? I don't think it will though. This isn't an injury that will heal. It's a degenerative condition, and so my thought is to use it while I can! Which I anticipate being a LONG time, but still...

Does anyone else compose really eloquent, interesting blog posts in their heads while out running, and then when the time comes to actually write, it's all gone? Sigh...