Muscles and RA

A new old blog to read

2012-01-27T21:46:00.004-05:00

Found an old blog, one I bookmarked in 2008 while pregnant. I remembered it had something to do with infertility, so tonight while putting Andra to bed (it's easier if I stay upstairs with her, albeit in my own room) I looked at it again. Reading posts back from 2003; she was also DOR, and at least consulted at Cornell. She has two kids now, though I don't know if they used her own eggs or not. She's funny. At least as funny as one can be in this situation. I guess I'm mentally gearing up for round 2. I am supposed to call Cornell back when I get my period this month, but the month is ending and my BBT says I haven't ovulated yet on CD 26. Sigh. Nothing is easy.

Oh, and the RA is flaring today, in my jaw of all places. Hasn't done that since I was 18 (6 years before being diagnosed, though I recognize that as my first real symptom). And weirdly it's just the left side. Well, beats the neck or ankle.

I ran twice this week, 1.5 miles at about a 9:30 pace, a quick walk break, and another 1 at 9:15. Then just one mile before TRX last night, at 8:45. I keep reminding myself that I am not training for anything, so I don't need to go long or go fast, I just need to go.

Of course, I did tonight sign up for the Stamford Olympic triathlon July 1. So at some point, I will need to train.

Feeling "normal"

2012-01-18T22:19:00.003-05:00

Have had some good 4 mi runs lately on the treadmill. Had a streak of 6-7 workout days in a row which hasn't happened in a while. Generally felt great this past week, almost what normal used to feel like. In the middle of a really busy week now, but trying to squeeze workouts in at school at lunch or whenever I can. Making it less of an option and more of a commitment. Planning to sign up for the local olympic triathlon July 1. I could be pregnant, but I could not. Not going to put another year on hold like I did last year. And at the moment, I see no reason why I can't do the full tirathlon, not just the aqua-bike I did in 2010. Nice.

2012-01-09T18:11:00.002-05:00

No 10k Sunday but that was a good thing probably. My GI issues have been back since before Christmas so it is really hard to plan workouts. I getting a little better at squeezing them in when I can though. I got my bike tuned up this weekend and put it on the trainer in the basement Sunday. Rode easy for 40 minutes and enjoyed it. Last year mostly had it in the dining room but I am determined to get a nice table and chairs this year plus in the basement I can tell Andra I going to the gym, go out the front door and back into the basement from the backyard so I can work out in peace. Anyway it was a good workout and then I ran a bit today and Friday and did TRX Saturday so it has been a good run.

iPhone love

2012-01-03T15:38:00.003-05:00

First post from my new iPhone. I love it. Seriously don't know why I waited so long?

I am thinking of running a 10k on Sunday. I am not in shape and won't run well or fast but I need fewer excuses and just more doing. I am not who I was but if I eer want to get back there even part way then I need to do something differently. Why not just do this without worrying about anything other than I want to want to do it. And lucky for me this one doesn't start til 10am! I wish it was a 5k as I haven't run longer than 4 mi in months but it isn't, there isn't a 5k nearby this month at all,and maybe doing the 10 will make me feel like I accomplished more.

I have quit reading some blogs I used to. Or rather I keep reading but quit commenting (but If you still comment here I am not referring to you!). I am sick of reading about people who haven't changed or faced any real hardships in the last few years. Don't get me wrong I would love to be on e of them but I am not. I want to read more about people getting through shitty times, probably to make myself feel better. Latest is I have this bunion that popped up on my left foot a fewonths ago and might be RA related but then again might not be (my mom has awful feet and the RA is from my dad's side nor hers). Hurts but then again nothing like the RA hurt.

Andra loves Watching Maisy videos on YouTube. Really glad she likes this and not some Disney princess shit.

Good Riddance

2011-12-31T15:34:00.001-05:00

2011 - not my favorite year. 2006, 2008 and 2010 were much better...maybe it's the even years that are better. Here's hoping...

Running normalcy

2011-12-13T12:14:00.003-05:00

Just did a great 30 minute treadmill run at school. No walking, went further than 3.1 (not much, but still), so I'm happy. Hoping that 3 miles is the new 2 (and the old 5, but...) and I can keep that up a few times a week. Still no long runs in the mix...maybe in the spring. Long as in 5-6, say. Nothing crazy. Did a TRX Saturday with a new instructor, as my old boot camp class is no longer, and my abs are still sore. So that's good.

Andra turned 3 yesterday...we had 3 days of celebrating, with a Thursday night trip to the bounce house place, Saturday cake with family, and Monday cupcakes at school. Andra is so much like me at that age...she doesn't talk to adults at school (though she plays and talks to the kids). I did the same thing...they made my mom watch me through a two-way mirror as I stood there with my hands in my pockets (still a habit) not talking to the teacher. So I keep telling the sisters she comes by it honestly...and she'll talk to them when she's ready.

Next time...

2011-12-07T21:55:00.002-05:00

Talked to the doctor today. His take was that this cycle could have gone either way, he wouldn't have been surprised if I had gotten pregnant, but given the odds of any cycle working he wasn't surprised it didn't work. He wants to change two things for next time: the protocol, and adding co-culture.

The protocol will go from 450 follisitim and 150 menopur way down to 150 follistim and 75 menopur, keeping the estrogen priming and adding clomid.

The co-culture is basically a study they're doing that seems to show that with fragile eggs, growing the embryos alongside uterine lining cells really helps protect the egg and speed up the cell division (since I had one 4-cell, that could be important).

Talked at length to my friend Jessica tonight who had 2 failed cycles before going to Cornell for this same diagnosis, and who now has 3 kid under 3 thanks to or doctor. She was able to answer some questions and basically provide a lot of moral support and encouragement, so I'm ready to get back on the wagon in January, or whenever I can. The lab shuts down for the holidays until mid-January, so I might or might not be able to start right away in January with the uterine biopsy and EP. Worst case is I do that in early-mid February, and stims late Feb-early March. If I'm really lucky some of this could fall over my February break from school.

2011-12-05T14:17:00.002-05:00

Officially a no.

Thanks for the comments...from those who have been through it, it helps.

Waiting for the no...

2011-12-04T16:39:00.005-05:00

I had blood drawn Saturday morning at 8:45 for the pregnancy test. Despite being marked "stat," the results still haven't made it to Cornell. I am beyond pissed. Especially since I did break down and take a pee test Saturday night and it was negative. So, as I've known for a while, I am not pregnant, but not being told that definitively is so upsetting. Not sure what upsets me the most, not that it matters:
- Going through all that for nothing
- Having to go through all that again, and maybe again, for nothing
- Just not being pregnant
-Somewhat unrelated, but just that I am not who I was in 2006-9. I miss that person.

Spotting

2011-11-30T10:28:00.004-05:00

Just like what I used to get a few days before my period. The nurse told me to bump up my progesterone to 1ml, from 0.5ml, and everything I read online says it means nothing, but...well, I'm preparing myself to be out. Guess I wait til Saturday to be sure, but...

Exhausted

2011-11-27T15:18:00.002-05:00

But I'm pretty sure every symptom I'm having could just as easily be attributed to the progesterone shots as to pregnancy. Just have to wait til Saturday...

They're cooking

2011-11-22T19:43:00.001-05:00

They put both embryos back today. One was 7 cells and above average quality. The other was only 4 cells, but was still growing, so there's hope. Got the pictures of them. Weird that that turns into a baby. Maybe.

I was right

2011-11-20T15:23:00.001-05:00

4 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized. Transfer Tuesday.

Four eggs retrieved

2011-11-19T22:48:00.002-05:00

The trigger shot in my ass wasn't too bad, and the retrieval was today. They got four eggs. I'm assuming only 3 will be mature and that two will fertilize. Why? I don't know, it's just what I think will happen. So they call tomorrow to tell me that, then Tuesday I go in to have put back whatever there is.

I felt a bit like a fraud in there today...I was talking to two other women as we were waiting to go into surgery, and both of them have had multiple attempts. Not that that might not be me eventually...but I don't seem as emotionally invested as most others. I am, I guess, but I also am fascinated with the process. I like doctors and hospitals. And Cornell is a well-oiled machine so I have a lot of respect for the center. The other two women have had other attempts elsewhere, and their stories and implications that the other places were just interested in their money were disheartening. I can see that. But not here. I like the fact that they're a research institution, well-run, with smart doctors. So even though I only have four eggs, I have to remember that, a Jessica says, this is a magic Dr. Davis cycle, not just any four-egg cycle.

And the fact that the other place I was considering cycling probably would have cancelled my cycle, or at least come really close to doing so, makes me even more glad I am where I am.

But I'm not getting any hopes up yet.

Still waiting...

2011-11-16T12:48:00.002-05:00

Still four follicles. The doctor today called them "pretty" and assured me that 4 is ok. I felt better. I also finally have the trigger shot almost in my possession. It didn't come with all the other drugs in the mail order, something about hcg being a controlled substance in NY and the doctor had to send a hard coy of the rx instead of a fax, but either no one told me or the doctor that or else they told me and I had no clue what they meant and just didn't realize it wasn't there. But I looked on Sunday night in my big box of drugs and no, not there. Mild panic. The did overnight the hard copy, but the mail order pharmacy still hasn't processed it, and I might need it tonight (though I'm thinking it will be tomorrow...because I'm such an expert in this...) so we had to go to plan B which was call it into a local pharmacy, local being a relative term in that the only one that stocked it is a 45 minute drive from here. My husband is picking it up there this afternoon.

Stress is getting to me. The logistics of the whole process. I don't think it would be bad it this were summer or I weren't a teacher but this is stressful. And of course the kids in my morning classes are asking where I've been, and I'm just saying that I have to have a minor surgery on Friday (which might be Saturday) and I have some doctor's appointments I need to go to in the mornings. Then of course they ask what for, and I just imply that it's none of their business, and then they look guilty, and we move on.

Still waiting.

Four

2011-11-13T21:05:00.004-05:00

Is it normal to lose follicles? I had 4 this morning. Bigger (I didn't pay too much attention) but fewer. I asked when I might expect to trigger, and both the doctor and, later, the nurse, guessed Tuesday. Maybe Wednesday. I have to go back in tomorrow...and Tuesday...and Weds...and Thurs. If I do the retrieval Thursday, I could actually have an entire day at work on Friday. I am trying not to feel guilty, but it's impossible. One class is affected a lot, another some, and the other two not at all until retrieval day, but...ugh. I was supposed to be observed Thursday (we have a new assistant principal...I haven't been observed in YEARS) but I cancelled that via email tonight. On top of all this, my husband is going out of town tomorrow morning through Wednesday night. Unless I trigger early, in which case he'll come home. But now I also have to juggle getting a kid to a school that doesn't open until 7:30, while simultaneously getting myself to school for a 7:30 bell, except of course I won't be there for the bell, I need to drive 45 minutes away to get bloodwork and ultrasounds done. We've recruited our neighbor to help, and Andra is on board with Mark (honestly one of Andra's favorite people around here) and Rosie (the dog) walking her to school tomorrow so I can at least get to the clinic right when it opens and hopefully only miss one class. The other days, since I'll be missing two classes (that's just how our schedule is) I figure I'll just drop her myself and get to the clinic a little later. Except of course if I trigger Tuesday then I have to be in Manhattan at 6:30 am for pre-op paperwork. So, Andra will come with me for that, because I am not asking a neighbor to watch her at 5:30 in the morning.

Oh, the fun of it all.

I will say that I still have no side effects. My husband has blamed something on "Oh, I guess you are getting side effects" because he said some dumb-ass thing that I actually responded to way less bitchily than normal and was able to let it go, but he couldn't.

Six

2011-11-11T11:52:00.005-05:00

I had bloodwork and an ultrasound today. My FSH level from day 2 was 6.2. That's way down from 15.7, but it doesn't really mean anything. I also only had 6 follicles, 2 were bigger (12mm) than the others (10mm). Not exactly sure what normal is at this stage, but I know I'm way below normal.

So I wait to hear what the doctor says about medication doses this afternoon. My only thread right now is that, in my friend Jessica's words (same diagnosis, same doctor, 3 kids under 3 after 2 failed cycles elsewhere), I know this doctor isn't going to fuck anything up.

Sore

2011-11-10T11:23:00.001-05:00

Ran 2 treadmill miles yesterday, comfortable 9:30 pace. Unbelievably sore today...hamstrings, hip flexors, even calves. Wow. I think it's been 2 weeks since I ran.

2011-11-08T21:07:00.003-05:00

For anyone with RA who injects a biologic (like Enbrel), I'm finding the IVF drugs to be less painful to inject. Seriously...this is no big deal. (Waiting for lightning to strike...)

Haven't been working out since my week of tonsillitis. I did a 3 mile stroller walk Sunday, but other than that, nadda. Although you're not supposed to really exercise while on these meds, the thing the doctors worry about (gigantic grapefruit ovaries turning and twisting) I have a 0% chance of having happen since my ovaries are on their last legs. I'll be lucky to get a normal size ovary out of my mega doses of meds. So I don't feel like I have to not run or lift or anything, unless an ultrasound turns up something. But between illness, work, tutoring and 5pm darkness, it isn't happening right now. I'm not stopping or anything, just riding this out. I'll do what I can when I can but I can't do it all.

Head down, just get through the next 2 weeks.

No big deal...yet?

2011-11-07T22:45:00.003-05:00

Not sure when people typically start to feel side effects from the meds? But I have none so far. I'm really hoping this is like pregnancy, where the 9 months of body distortion I feared was really more like 3 months. Maybe I won't really notice them at all...is that possible? At any rate, the 2 shots a day are no big deal. For my own records:

Final estrogen patch still on, til it falls off or they tell me to take it off.
450 (mg?) Follisitm
150 (mg?) Menopur

Go in for bloodwork Wednesday morning. Time to tell school I'll be out a lot over the next two weeks.

Start day

2011-11-06T13:40:00.003-05:00

Went into the city this morning for my CD2 bloodwork and ultrasound. Today is the NYC marathon...although I was there earlier than the start and didn't really see anything besides a lot of blocked streets and traffic cops (Cornell's building is one street over from the course) I still felt sad, like will I ever really run for real again? But anyway...I have no control over that RIGHT NOW so I can't dwell.

The nurse just called and confirmed that I will start my injections tonight. I didn't let myself ask anything about my #s (FSH, antral follicle count) and she didn't offer. It doesn't matter and I don't want to make myself nuts, whether it is improved or not. Bottom line is, this is all a crap shoot.

Guess I need to tell someone at school that I'll be out a lot of mornings over the next two weeks...

Devil

2011-11-05T00:14:00.005-04:00

Tonsillitis was probably viral so it didn't respond to the antibiotics. I started with symptoms on Thursday and felt better yesterday...8 days. Plus pink eye. I look like the devil.
The up side in all this was that the freak snow storm on Saturday cancelled school Monday and Tuesday (and gave us delayed openings the whole rest of the week!) due to all the power outages. Two towns over they cancelled school all week.

I started the estrogen patches last Saturday. Don't even notice them, no side effects. Just waiting for my period. Then the fun begins. I keep looking at the calendar my nurse mapped out for me, just a guide of course, and trying to figure out when everything will happen. Right now...the week of Thanksgiving. I still haven't told anyone official at school that I'll be missing some morning classes. Guess at this point I'll just wait til I start.

Tonsilitis

2011-10-28T16:39:00.003-04:00

Second Z-pack of the season. Seriously? Twice in 3 weeks? Not fair. I went in to work today anyway since I'm going to be using a bunch of sick days soon for monitoring (or half-days at least). No working out. Went to sleep at 8:30 last night.

I start estrogen patches tomorrow, changing every other day until I get my period (probably in less than a week). Then the fun begins.

$15k of drugs on the way...

2011-10-20T20:53:00.004-04:00

For the bargain price of $26 in copays. That part worked out. Cornell taking my insurance worked out. Now we just hope the baby part works out. I start the estrogen priming part of the protocol soon...within the next week or two. Then when my period starts the fun begins.

Lifted today. I've been lifting once a week or so, not long, just 30-40 minutes. But I've been lifting heavier, and focusing more on legs than I have in a while. I like it.

Tutoring picked up, expectedly, this past week (midquarter grades went out last week). I have 5 hours a week steady right now, which ends up being an extra paycheck a month. Less time to workout, I do feel more stressed timewise, but we need this. Even if we didn't need it, I would think we did...and we would, as savings and retirement savings are nowhere near where they used to be. But at least this keeps up afloat. And at least I don't have to shell out any money for IVF. Which, I know, is incredibly lucky.

I've also, the last 2 weeks, cut down on my daily prednisone dose. I'm down from 5mg to 2.5 a day. It was the sleeping on my stomach a few nights in a row that made me realize the RA has, at least for now, moved out of my neck. So I figured it was worth a try. The stuff is great when I need it, but of course I'd rather not be on it. So far so good with the lower dose...

Ok, thing may work out

2011-10-14T16:57:00.003-04:00

After many many phone calls, the drugs are supposed to be covered through another branch of the medical insurance. The pharmacy associated with the insurance company won't cover them, but another one will. Really? Could the make this more confusing? How do old or poor or uneducated people ever get anything covered? Oh, right, they don't. So unfair. What a fucked up health care system we have.

But at any rate, the drugs have been called into this other branch and now I wait to see for sure if or what we pay. We may have a copay, they may be 100% covered, that much I do not know yet. But if the drugs work then we are pretty much ready to begin. I would start the estrogen patches in about 2 weeks and shots about 2 weeks later.

Fuck...

2011-10-13T16:52:00.002-04:00

IVF drugs likely not going to be covered. Still trying to figure it out. Will we spend $5k + on this? I know people spend a lot more. But we don't have a lot more. And I don't know that it's worth it given the uncertain outcome. If we were guaranteed a kid I'm sure we'd do it. But...honestly. I question whether another kid would just be that much more stress. I might be too selfish to want another. Maybe this is just me protecting myself. I won't let myself cry about this yet. It's not over. It's just frustrating because my benefits say the drugs are 100% covered but the fine print that no one told me about apparently says only covered if given by the doctor. Um, I can't go to the doctor every day for 6 weeks to get stim shots and progesterone. My IVF nurse hadn't heard of this. Maybe there's a way around at least some of it...

Still sick

2011-10-10T19:41:00.003-04:00

I have strep throat. Again. I have had this more in the last 3 years than ever before. I went 2 week with a cold and a week with laryngitis (great thing for a teacher...luckily my students are mostly really nice and polite) before today, and felt like I had a fever. Driving home from the city after my IVF class I called my doctor, made an appointment and went. Another Z-pack. I dropped one pill in my car and can't find it anywhere. So instead of 5 days, I only get to take 4. Hopefully it'll be enough. But I do feel better that I am really sick. A usual, I just assume I'm being a wimp and need to get over it. And feel guilty for not working out when all I want to do is sleep. Sometimes sleep is more important. But always only in hindsight.

The IVF class was good I guess. Learned more about the process. Met with my nurse. Think I know what I need to do. In about 2 weeks I will start the estrogen priming protocol, which is just wearing estrogen patches until I get my next period. Then the fun begins. The stim shots don't bother me, I am used to giving myself shots. The progesterone shots scare me, but whatever, I'll get over it. I will have to tell a couple people at school in 2 weeks or so, as I will probably be missing A LOT of my morning classes due to monitoring. The clinic doesn't open til 7:30, which is when school starts. I need to just not care about that, and I'm working toward it.

Had one good run last week, when I struggled to get out the door because I wanted to sleep. I did 20 minutes hard (that is around a 9:30 pace I think, I am still so annoyed by that but not able to do enough to change it yet) and then walked another 10 min. One day of lifting, one boot camp, and pretty much nothing else.

Definitely in a slump. Just feel like I can't keep up.

IVF consult #2

2011-09-29T13:42:00.002-04:00

Today was our appointment with Cornell. It was full of good surprises.

1. There was NO traffic getting into the city. None. Zero. That never happens...but at 9:00 on a Thursday? Unheard of.

2. We walked in 10 minutes before out appointment time (after getting bagels and coffee because instead of being late, we were early. See above.) and see on the reception desk a sign that says, "As of 9/15/11, CRM now participates with CIGNA." CIGNA is my insurance. That we thought CRM did NOT take. And now they do. So the $15,000 we would have to front if we go with them, we now wouldn't.

3. 9 minutes before out appointment time (that is, 1 minute after we arrive) they call us back. Right into the consult room, complete with waiting doctor. Early. Seriously? We hadn't even filled out our paperwork.

4. I really liked Dr. Davis. I had been expecting someone a little different, as my friend Jessica (who also really liked him) sort of indicated that maybe his mannerisms were a bit abrupt or something. And I can see that, but really he was friendly and...SMART. Now that's important. This man knew my chart inside and out, he was rapid-firing questions at me and I was mostly keeping up, and I just felt like he knew exactly what was going on. Not that most doctors wouldn't, but this was different. He was just smart. And frankly, not all doctors are. Maybe, I felt like he was smarter than I am. And I am not used to that. (Good thing almost no one reads my blog anymore because I know how that sounds, but it's true...whatever.)

So, we plan to proceed with Cornell. I am doing an IVF prep class on the 10th (no school on Columbus Day). It looks like the big stuff will happen in November, with the major stuff right around Thanksgiving.

Nothing new

2011-09-25T13:48:00.004-04:00

I know I've posted about this before, but every time I have this realization it seems important.

I've had some really good workouts and runs the last few weeks. I have been able to sleep on my stomach again, something I haven't really been able to do because my neck wouldn't turn that much to the side. Except for this past week when I had a cold, I've just felt good. And when that happens, I can look back and give myself a break and not think I was jut being a wimp when things weren't so good. I can be kind of amazed that I was able to do as much as I did when I felt like crap. I can accept that I really did feel like crap, and I wasn't just being lazy.

That said, feeling like crap for a while does take a toll. I am slower, fatter, and out of a good routine. But, I am working toward becoming faster, leaner, and more structured, in working out and in eating.

I was planning to do a 5k this morning, but I bailed when it was already 70 degrees and super humid at 7am (race was at 10). I had wanted cool weather to see if I could be faster...I figured this would be a crappy race, and given that even a good race would result in a crappy time, I didn't see the need to pay $25 to prove that. October 30 is the next possible attempt. Today, I will head to the gym and do a treadmill run...probably 2.5 at a 9:3oish pace. And then do some squats and deadlifts.

Speed

2011-09-23T21:25:00.002-04:00

Treadmill run today. Half mile warm up, then I talked myself out of a 9:00 mile to do an 8:30 half mile instead. Except I ran a whole mile. So, after a short walk break I did an 8:00 half mile, walk break, 7:30 quarter mile, walk, 7:00 quarter mile. It felt like a real workout. Running fast again felt great. Sure, I felt like a cripple after, but I felt great WHILE I was running! Possible 5k Sunday...if the weather is ok. Not interested in running in the rain.

Lifting

2011-09-21T15:43:00.003-04:00

My husband is starting Crossfit. I am getting inspired to start lifting heavy again. Not too much, I still want to RUN now that I can again, and I don't have tons of time. But, today I did kettlebell swings, deadlifts and squats using a lot more weight than usual. Plus I ran 2 miles, one at 9:40 and the second (no break) at 9:30. Despite having a cold and feeling really run down. So, I feel like I am making progress back toward where I want to be. Though it's a slow process and I have a long way to go.

I found easy!

2011-09-11T10:51:00.002-04:00

Just did 4.5 miles, an old loop. 45 minutes (just under). It was easy! I think the 70 degrees vs. the 83 when I did 5, plus a less hilly course, really helped. I never once felt like I had to walk. I am SOOO looking forward to fall running now!

5 miles

2011-09-09T21:14:00.002-04:00

5 miles still sounds like it should be easy. I did a loop from school today I used to do. Two very steep and long hills I knew I would walk. A very long stretch of downhill I thought would be easy. Truthfully it took the amount of time I'd thought it would, an hour...so it wasn't worse than I thought. But maybe it was the heat (83'F), or the steepness of the ups and downs, or whatever...but it was HARD. Still, it's done. Goal is to keep doing it until it becomes easy. Or at least not unpleasant.

Treadmill 5k

2011-09-07T15:25:00.002-04:00

Sleepy after school but needed to work out. Actually, in the car I was thinking that I didn't NEED it like I used to NEED it, but I wanted to need it, so I went. Treadmill, figured I'd do 10 minute miles and just see. I slowed a little after 1 mile to regroup, but felt strong still, and at 2.25 miles and another 1 minute slow down, I ramped it up and did the 3.1 in 30:50. Slower than my disappointing 5k, I know, but this was on a treadmill and actually felt strong, so I am happy.

I know not every run can be a good run. I remember marathon training in 2008 and I wasn't feeling it and told myself I'd stop after 2 miles if I didn't get into it. I didn't, and I called it a day and the next day was back to normal. But, when you only run twice a week, if a run sucks, it's much more noticeable. The solution is to run more than twice a week. I think I am healthy and healed enough to do three now. Hopefully I'll find the time and motivation.

First day of school and the incessant SINGING...

2011-09-05T18:42:00.004-04:00

In the last month or two, Andra has become a NONSTOP singer. If I hear one more Twinkle Twinkle or Happy Birthday I may just shoot myself. It's cute, yeah, up to a point. And I am super amazed at how her little brain picked up language SO MUCH in the last four months or so. But I am also really glad she's at preschool now o she can burn off more energy!

She started last Tuesday at Catholic preschool. Her teachers are Sister Daria and Sister Lena. There are 20 kids in her class. She loves it...there have been no tears, and she has resisted leaving when I've come to pick her up (they are usually on the playground around 3:30 or 4:00). My own school starts tomorrow, after being delayed a week due to Hurricane Irene and the subsequent power outages.

Venus Williams

2011-09-02T13:19:00.003-04:00

I feel really badly for Venus Williams, who just dropped out of the US Open and was recently diagnosed with Sjogren's syndrome, an autoimmune disease. At the same time, it is validating that I am not a wimp when I can't do things because of the RA. Autoimmune diseases ARE serious. They really take a lot out of you when they act up. Luckily for me, most of the time mine is under control. Hope she gets to that point quickly and gets back in the game.

Race report part 2 and Irene...

2011-08-28T12:09:00.004-04:00

Irene first...what a fizzle. For us at least...record power outages, but we kept ours. Despite FEMA making us buy flood insurance because they say 1 square inch of our basement is in the 100 year flood plain, we are bone dry at the top of our hill. Winds really nothing we haven't seen before. I guess it must have been worse elsewhere, but we were right under the eye, so not sure why it felt like nothing. It was a tropical storm when it hit us, not a hurricane...kind of a bummer, being an Earth science teacher and all. But school was cancelled for Tuesday, and combined with the earthquake (I didn't feel) on Thursday, there at least is some relevant stuff the kids might be excited about.

Race report continued. So, when I hit the first mile marker at 10:33, I was confused. Really? That must be off. It was a flat or uphill mile, but still. This community race has LOTS of kids and non-runners in it, so I was passing a lot of people even at that pace and maybe I just had a warped sense of pace. Second mile: 10:30. Again, I was pissed. At some point I got passed by our 50+ school nurse, who ok, may be in shape, but to my knowledge was NOT a runner (she and I had had conversations about my RA and running, and she knew I WAS a runner, so...). I knew the last 3/4 mile or so was a good downhill, and I must have picked it up to do the last 1.1in 9:30 give or take, but...ugh.

Now, the why. OK, yes, I have only been back to running for a few weeks. I have been completely slacking on the eating front (that has changed since Friday night!) and am doughy. Still, I have been faster that that race in my regular runs, unless I am totally off...except I'm running old routes and comparing times, and I should have been faster. The weather was fine, not too hot or humid or anything. I was pushing to the point of being uncomfortable, though not hurting like I was trying to PR or anything. My ankle and Achilles hurt, but that's hardly new...

Anyway, this was a wake up call and I need to remotivate...not just in terms of running, which may remain a bit limited, but in terms of eating and working out in general. I will do this again at the end of September on what I hear is a flat course. I have a month to try to knock...what, 2 or 3 minutes off my time? Is that unrealistic? I don't think running a 9:00 pace is that unrealistic, but then again I am basing this off of who I used to be, not who I am now. I am just pissed that I couldn't break 30 minutes...when I was out of shape before, I always said I would never run a 5k if I couldn't break 30 minutes. So...

ETA: official results say 30:15, and that our nurse is 56 and I came in one second after her...that makes me feel better, stupidly.

Race Report Part 1

2011-08-26T19:37:00.003-04:00

Ugh. Unofficially 30:25. For a freaking 5k. This same course 2 years ago, I ran 25:52 (8:19 pace). Almost 5 minutes slower? I guess my pace was about 9:50. At least it was under 10:00 but...ugh. I worked, it was uncomfortable. I have another 5k in a month so I can see how I improve, I hope.

Trying not to be disappointed. But I know that half of this I did to myself through not paying attention to my eating the last few months.

Of course...why make it easy?

2011-08-25T21:59:00.003-04:00

Neck is flaring, really stiff with a lovely headache...ankle has been sore, achy all day. Took extra prednisone, contemplating half a Vicodin. I want to run this 5k tomorrow evening!

Ran Monday, walked Tuesday, ran Wednesday....today was off.

On another note, instead of going to the TRX class I like on Thursdays, I went by myself to see the movie "The Help." I read the book last year and it was great...the movie, dare I say it, was just as good? That never happens...but maybe I've forgotten enough of the book to not be so nit-picky. The actors were amazing...don't think I recognized a single one, which helped. Haven't cried so much at a movie in years. Go see it.

ETA: Oops. This one was my fault. When I went to take my medications this morning, I realized I hadn't taken them yesterday. Guess that Voltaren really works! But, so did the Viocdin and prednisone, so I should be ok to run tonight.

A few pictures...

2011-08-21T22:15:00.002-04:00

These are from the cottage in Michigan. Andra has had a blast swimming this summer and is really comfortable in the water. She still has a little anxiety about going under, but every night after I put her to bed she would "debrief" her day with Duck-Duck and tell him she did it. Then a few rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "Happy Birthday" and she slept like a champ every night.

Still running...

2011-08-21T22:07:00.003-04:00

Dare I say I've been doing well with running? I am trying to a tempo, speed, and long run every week. This is week 2. It's all relative, and I am really trying not to compare speeds or distances. My speedwork this week consisted of 4x2 min at an 8:00 pace. It was probably about right...I could do it, it was hard, but I wasn't dying. I'm doing this 5k Friday night, and it'll be a good one just to see where I am. I hope I am under 9:40. I ran a pretty pregnant 5k under that time. But I was just in much better shape then. Hate this in between crap...I'm able to run again, but I'm out of shape and it's frustrating. I'm about to go back to school (um, Tuesday) so I'll be getting into a new routine again. I'm going to end up doing IVF, so why put so much effort in only to have it all end when I get bitchy and hormonal (I had a preview of that today...I never get PMS but today, the day before I'll probably get my period, holy shit was I in a foul mood for no other reason). I guess I'm just making excuses. Whatever. Until I want to change and get my discipline back, especially with eating, there's no point in being depressed about it. It's totally in my hands. If I don't want to get rid of the muffin top that has crept up, then...

Plan to do 4.5 "long run" tomorrow.

Two runs in a row

2011-08-14T14:29:00.002-04:00

Four treadmill miles on Friday...hard effort, but right now that is about a 9:15 pace, which used to be marathon pace. After my warm up I did 1 mile, walked 1 min, 2x .5 miles, and 4x .25 miles, and a cool down. All told, 4 miles, 42 minutes. It felt good! So good that yesterday I did 5.5 miles outside. I consciously ran without a watch and tried to go slow so I could run the whole thing, but only made it 4 miles before walking, then did run/walk for the last 1.5. My hips were tight later, but I feel great today. Not really sore.

Not in CT anymore

2011-08-06T17:18:00.001-04:00

We're in Michigan. I got a pedicure today. It was nice. The girl doing it also works at the bait shop. We spent some time talking about worms and leeches. I feel so far away from my regular life.

Well this sucks...

2011-07-30T21:25:00.003-04:00

Found out Thursday afternoon that I have diminished ovarian reserve, premature ovarian failure, whatever you want to call it...FSH of 15.7, AMH <0.16 (if you don't know what that means, I didn't either, and you should be happy you don't). And my husband's sperm isn't so good either. So from getting pregnant on the second try with Andra, to being told even IVF isn't all that likely to help with #2, my head is spinning. I've had lots of good advice from one friend who's been through the exact same thing (and has 2 kids and one on the way, all IVF) and also from an old blogger friend. We meet with the doctor again August 16, after our vacation to Michigan to visit my family. I'm also setting up an appointment with the clinic at Cornell, where my friend went, even though insurance issues would make that not nearly as easy to manage as the local place. But apparently this is an uncommon diagnosis, and Cornell is the best place on the east coast.

I'm not quite getting my head around it all yet. I love my life with one kid, and in the end would be ok with just Andra. But I also feel like, how can I not try, since we do want the second one? Yet, knowing what people go through to do IVF...physically and emotionally...I am angry. Lots of tears yesterday. Today, not so much.

I have had a good week of workouts. I ran another old route, a few minutes off my old pace. Not bad. I did a short speed workout today, more just to pound away some anger. My Achilles can handle it, it seems, at least with the help of my Voltaren gel. I have two more weeks to do whatever I want, then I assume this ovarian stimulation thing will start and my life will suck for a while. Lucky me, it coincides with the beginning of a new school year.

The nuns loved her

2011-07-26T22:07:00.004-04:00

Andra went this morning for her "preview" day at Catholic preschool. It went GREAT. No crying, no accidents, she charmed the nuns (who called her "sweet" and said they wished all the new kids were that good), and was SOOO excited about her new backpack. Last week we were at Lake George, where she went to camp every morning, and she also had a blast there, so...somehow I got incredibly lucky not to have a kid like me. I was the barnacle girl hanging on to my mom's pant leg. At any rate, I am no longer stressed out about her being the youngest, potty training, etc. She's good to go. And I was so excited when I got the info packet from school with all the school supplies, etc. she needs!

I almost have a goal...run a 5k this fall (September 25th) in under 28 minutes. I'm sad that that's the goal, but...what can I do. I've been lifting a lot lately and feel good about that. Not cycling much AT ALL. The fact that I lost (literally, no idea where he went) my riding partner really did a number on my motivation. And now that I can run a little, I'd rather do a 30 minute run than a 90 minute ride. And then sit on the couch reading with the other 60 minutes! Whatever. I ran 2.5 miles yesterday, starting out at what felt like a "normal" (probably 8:45 though that might be a gross overstimation) pace, but couldn't sustain it for more than about a mile. So I had a couple walk breaks. Whatever. The rest of the day, though, I felt OLD. Decrepit. Both feet/ankles just HURT. But, the run itself was good. Just means I'm better off running later in the day than earlier.

Still...that's my goal. It's out there.

Old route

2011-07-14T22:58:00.002-04:00

Ran an old route today...5.5 miles. Walked some. Took an hour. Only real pain was from chafing...gotta buy me some new Body Glide. So now I know I can do it...and it is just fantastic. I've been back to feeling normal for about a month, maybe 6 weeks...and no more excuses. It's true that when you feel like crap, you don't even really realize it until you feel better.

Why we run...

2011-07-12T14:22:00.002-04:00

Wendy posted this yesterday on why she runs because she has RA...I love it.

I ran today, my toe was not an issue since I wore shoes that I had previously put a dancer's pad in. I did, however, forget to transfer my orthotics, which made my RA ankle a bit funky, but ultimately it was fine once it warmed up a bit. Only 2 miles, a 10:15 pace when all was said and done (there was some faster and some slower). Can't believe how out of shape I am, but then again, when I checked my heartrate at the end (I need to start wearing the HR monitor again) it was like 145. WTF? I think I lost mental guts even more than fitness. Oh well. I lifted after, and feel good.

Big toe

2011-07-11T22:04:00.003-04:00

Argh. So I have been feeling pretty good and have even been able to sleep on my stomach lately, something I can't do when my neck is acting up because it doesn't turn that far. I decided to try to taper off the prednisone again, or at least taper it down. And though my neck is fine, my big toe joint (the sesamoid bones I do believe) is now huge. It's happened before and with a dancer's pad I can keep running, but I can't walk barefoot on our hardwood floors.

I did a 2 hour ride Sunday morning, which also might have contributed...I need to look at my cycling shoes because I think there's a lot of pressure right on that joint.

45 minutes

2011-07-04T10:25:00.003-04:00

Just got back from a 45 minute run. Don't ask how far, I don't know and don't want to. I didn't plan to go that long...treadmill runs (on an incline) have been hard. Granted I went slowly, but at 20 minutes I said I would go to 22, then 30, then 35, then 40, then 45. By then I was almost home so I walked the last 5 minutes, and boy did my quads feel like jello for those first few steps. Forgot about that, it's been so long.

Nothing hurt more than usual...I will go ice my heel now because I should, not because it hurts. It' not gong away completely, but I can live with this!

Happy fourth...

Volunteering ... and karma?

2011-06-27T14:46:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I volunteered for the local triathlon, one I did last year as an aqua-bike. Because I figured I'd be pregnant by now, and because I had a rough winter, I didn't want to race it. Turned out the be a perfect day, and I kind of wish I had, but volunteering was fun too. I was on the bike course directing people and it was super easy, but fun. Made me want to be outside more, so when I got home I took Pickle and we went to a cute town nearby, walked to the beach, played at the playground, got a chocolate milk, and sat and watched boats. She loved it, I loved it. Except for the fact that my fair skin is extra sun-sensitive right now because of the antibiotics for the Lyme, and so not only do I burn more easily but my skin feels like it's on fire when the sun is on it, it's great to be outside. We are having perfect weather.

I had basically my last PT appointment, and am back to running. Just a little, mostly on the treadmill, on an incline, and SUPER slow. But, it feels good to work up a sweat doing what I love, and with luck I'll be able to be back in slow 5k shape by the fall. Today I ran 1 mile, then .5 and .5. The incline does make it harder, but I am way out of shape, no excuses. Still, volunteering = good karma since I'm coming back (again).

Book Review - RA Related

2011-06-22T22:07:00.003-04:00

Over email last week I was contacted by a publicist about a new book by someone with RA, asking if I would like to receive a copy. Sure, why not? I received it today, and...well, read it today. Take Me Home from the Oscars is by Christine Schwab. Apparently she's well known, if you're into TV and fashion. Of course, I'd never heard of her. The book was, obviously, a quick read at just over 200 pages. Not that that's a bad thing. It chronicles her story of RA, from the onset of her symptoms in 1990, through countless failed medications, deformities in her hands, being in the original clinical trials for Enbrel, and finally being basically in remission ever since.

In the beginning, I was a little put off by the fashion/TV/celebrity talk. That was/is her lifestyle and job, but it's pretty foreign to me and just not particularly interesting. She attempted to hide some pretty severe symptoms from everyone, fearing that the image of having RA would cost her contacts and jobs. I think just that whole attitude turned me off a bit to the book, not to the author so much but just that she would even WANT to work with people like that. Still, in the end, it was a good story. Her symptoms were definitely worse than mine, and reading about how she managed to go on (and how she didn't always want to) was a bit vindicating for me and all the times I've worked really hard to not let RA win (moreso in the days before this blog). One line particularly stood out to me, in the "I can relate" way: "Walking distances that I never thought twice about before now seemed painfully long." It's little things like that, things a healthy person would never think about, that make RA such a bitch of a disease.

Some of the typos and grammatical errors (apostrophes where they didn't belong, using "I" where it should have been "me") irked me, I don't understand how people in the BOOK business can't proofread (or know the English language). I could have a second career as an editor, I think...years of reading really crappy 9th grade lab reports...

Overall, I do think people with RA should read the book. There's not much else out there like this, so not much competition, and I respect that Schwab put her story out there. I hope more do.

Doctors

2011-06-16T21:58:00.003-04:00

OK, I guess some people do still read...thanks for the comments letting me know!

Wednesday I managed to do a short (14 miles) bike ride followed by an even shorter (1 mile!) run. I sort of wanted to go longer on the bike, but I found myself actually trying to go fast, and figured I'd do the brick instead. Besides, what's the point of going long right now, when I'm not training for a damn thing...and I really wanted to run, but of course can't do that for real yet. Still, the one mile (I'm guessing...it was just under 11 minutes and I'm afraid to map it to see the actual distance), though slow by choice, felt mostly normal. I find myself thinking constantly about my gait, which makes it less fun, but if I can get to the point where I can even do 2 miles and feel good, I will consider that success. I do wonder if I will ever run a marathon again, or even a half. I've been looking at the Achilles Track club, and wondering if joining it will be good for me. But then I realize that it's not the RA that's holding me back, as much as lack of time and motivation. So I just keep thinking about it rather than doing it.

I've been having about 2 doctors appointments a week lately, and this week it was the rheumatologist on Wednesday and my OB today. I honestly love both of them, and more importantly, trust them. The rheumatologist is sending me for tons of xrays of my neck, mostly to rule out atlanto-axial subluxation (I think...truthfully now I can't remember if he thinks it is or isn't that). He said to make sure I'm not pregnant when I go, as they will take a LOT of pictures. Not a problem... Then today I saw the OB. My bloodwork came back looking good in terms of LH and FSH levels. The cyst that was on my ovary last time is gone, and I have one very big follicle which he said looks like I should be ovulating soon, despite the fact that this is day 6 of my cycle. So, with that, and with showing him by BBT charts for the last 2 months which show no ovulation (probably) for one, and late ovulation with a 5 day luteal phase for this past month, he said there's no reason not to just go see a reproductive endocrinologist. Given that the rheumatologist REALLY wants to get me on methotrexate ASAP (which causes horrific birth defects) so I don't go downhill anymore, given that I'm 36 and we've been trying for 7 month (technically they consider 6 months over age 35 as infertile), and given the wacky last two cycles, I totally agree. The OB said they'd do a consult, and likely give me the options of what I wanted to do, anything from nothing to Clomid to IUI to IVF (Connecticut has really good insurance coverage for IVF if you are under 40...not that I have ANY desire to do that).

So I'll make that appointment tomorrow, hopefully for next week. Meantime, in case I am ovulating sooner than normal, we'll be...preparing for that possibility.

The last six months...

2011-06-10T15:29:00.007-04:00

These have been, health wise, the worst six months of my life. Possibly I'm exaggerating, as the six months around the time I was diagnosed with RA were probably worse, but that was (gasp) 11 years ago, so I am probably forgetting some of that.

To recap, for myself (since I don't think anyone is reading this anymore!)...Resumed running in November, to do a 5k in December. Quit running about a week later as really bad GI symptoms took over for 2 months and I couldn't do a thing when they hit, usually around 4-6 pm and lasting a couple hours. Although I felt fine outside of those few hours each day, I was trying not to eat much since what goes in must come out...so energy levels were low and frustration high. I resumed running in March when the symptoms went away. Two months of phlegm and bronchitis, two neck flares that required Vicodin, and then I reinjured my Achilles and had to stop running again. PT for the Achilles means it's feeling somewhat better, and I started running a tiny bit (one mile) this week. Despite the GI symptoms which came back 3 weeks ago (maybe a little less severely).

And then, today, this:

Hard to see, but it's a classic bulls eye rash right where I picked the tick off a week ago...classic Lyme disease sign. Everything I researched online after the bite said not to worry if the tick hadn't been attached for less than 24 to 36 hours. And that sucker was on my side less than 6 hours. Well, turns out you shouldn't believe everything you read online. Even from nih.gov. I can't say that I have any symptoms, and it will be treated early compared to a lot of people who get Lyme, but still...really?

And then add the fact that we've been trying to get pregnant again, with no luck, and my last 2 cycles have been anovulatory and all messed up.

I am REALLY hoping I can catch a break and that once school is out (two week from yesterday), I will be feeling better (adding two new prescriptions to my existing cocktail) and able to feel normal again. And eat normally. I've been patient, I think, for me. I'm not pushing myself to do more than I can do right now. Rather than doing the local triathlon (or aqua bike), I signed up to volunteer. Rather than running the local summer series, I am volunteering. I feel good about it, because I don't want to go out and feel awful and defeated just to say I "raced." I'd rather feel good helping others have a good race and hopefully just get better.

It sucks.

Thirty in the mist

2011-05-22T15:21:00.002-04:00

Thirty mile bike ride this morning in the rain...er, mist. It was COLD! I wasn't expecting that...before we left I put arm warmers under my windbreaker, and thank goodness I did. There were six of us riding this route, including my friend Amanda from swimming, who finally got herself a road bike after trying to do some tris last year with a hybrid (in her words, "That was such a stupid purchase.). I was expecting to be DONE at the end, but our pace was leisurely (I think we averaged 14.5mph), and the cold weather meant the effort felt a lot less than if it had been hot. So, I felt great afterwards...for about an hour. By 11:30, I was EXHAUSTED. I got Andra down for a nap in the stroller (she actually loves stroller naps and asks for them...great except it meant I had to go walk), and fell asleep on the couch myself. She woke up after about an hour or so, but when I just went to unbuckle her, she said, "No out!" and went back to sleep. My inlaws are supposed to be here soon to babysit and I get to go out...of course, I really just want to go back to sleep too...

Ring the bells that can still ring...

2011-05-17T22:31:00.004-04:00

Wow. Nearly a month has gone by. I admit to not having much to blog about, but at the same time, I want to keep up a little bit, as I often go back and read old posts wanting to remember something. So...Achilles is improving. What seems to be helping the most is the electrical stimulation. It hurts A LOT when those 430 volts go into my heel bone...5 seconds on, 5 off, for 20 minutes. But for the last week I've done more normal walking, less limping. I can do more heel raises, and yesterday he showed me a new exercise to do that actually made my calves sore. Which means they are WORKING. Which is progress. We move onto jumping in another week or two, which he says is precursor to running again. I've been patient...why the hell not, you know? I might as well do what I'm told to heal this. I've been lifting twice a week and doing cardio once...bike mostly. Whatever...I'm accepting the seasonality of life, of MY life, and this is just a down time. Trying to control it would be torture. Accepting it feels right. When I can do more, I will do more. A friend of mine who has stage 4 breast cancer posted this quote:

“ Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. ”– Leonard Cohen (apparently a song, not surprisingly one I've never heard of)

I like it. At the moment it feels like none of the bells can still ring...but that's not true. Just accept.

I admit to being jealous of those who seem able to handle everything...jobs, families, stresses...and still manage to train, get faster, etc. That does me no good, but it's how I feel.

Trying to get the guts to sign up for a (flat) century ride out to Montauk in June. I have nothing else to look forward to athletically this year.

I volunteered at the Mother's Day 10k, and had blast. It was definitely more fun than running. Still, I wish I could have run it. I hope I am just building good karma.......

Started physical therapy

2011-04-22T22:51:00.004-04:00

I started physical therapy for my heel. I've gone twice, and I like the therapist, Dave. I feel like I'm doing something. For so many months now I've just been slogging through, not feeling well, not knowing what's real and what's just an excuse, losing even more fitness, getting muffin top (weight isn't changing...obviously body composition IS), eating like crap, and, while not being depressed, just being incredibly BLAH. I HATE HATE HATE that I've gotten to the point where I can run on my RA ankle, but my Achilles ankle hurts like a motherfucker. Well, truthfully, the RA hurt a lot more, but I think I am more willing to tolerate that pain, since it's not ever really going away for good. An injury though, is almost insulting. Especially when I've gotten injured doing SO LITTLE.

Nonetheless. I have basically been limping for so long on both legs that I have very weak gastrocnemius muscles, very strong soleus muscles, and weaknesses in my hips and glutes. I've been doing some strengthening exercises along with ice massages (ow...brings back memories of high school stress fracture days). I'm getting ultrasound treatments during therapy, and he might stimulate the bone with electricity if thing don't get better in 3 weeks. It's not exactly the Achilles, it's where it inserts into the outside of my calcaneus bone. This is the best description I can find online. Dave told me to stop jumping (no boot camp, or severely modified boot camp), and since I can't run or walk, that leaves cycling (spontaneous so far this season due to weather, but looking up for next week) and swimming...I've been back in the pool twice this week, some swimming and some water running. But I just can't get serious right now, without running. I NEED IT. I know that if it's really ever out for good, or for a long long time, I need to get over it. And I did that last year, satisfactorily. But then I started again, and I can't let go of it.

I picked up at the library the book Run Like a Mother and started it last night. There's a lot in there that I need right now (and a lot I don't, it's a real hodge podge of random stuff). Just the stories of runners who were good, then life got in the way, they stopped running, and when they started again found it so hard and slow. It is so therapeutic to read that I'm not alone.

Anyway...

Dead robins - must be spring!

2011-04-11T17:55:00.004-04:00

Another 70+ degree day, I took my bike out after deciding I had to CANCEL one of my tutoring sessions to ride instead. I only did 15 miles, but it was enough. There were some big hills in there (well, steep...maybe not big so much). I saw 3 dead robins on the road...definitely spring. I dropped my chain, which was a bit of a surprise as I've never done that when I've been riding alone. Luckily no flats...that would've taken a while to change by myself. I'm going to two workshops in the next couple weeks, one on bike maintenance (um, my MO to date has been to not maintain it at all) and one on fixing flats. I KNOW how to fix them, but it's been a while and I am not at all comfortable doing it, so I could use the instruction again.

I am exhausted right now though! Still getting over bronchitis of some sort (coughing up all kinds of stuff the last few weeks, fun) so I haven't been 100% since early December. Eh...annoying. I kind of gave in, what can you do? Trying to get pregnant now, so not much incentive to ramp things up.

2011-04-02T16:22:00.002-04:00

Probably not the smartest idea, but I went to bootcamp this morning. Surprisingly (or not, gievn the vicodin) I felt ok and didn't really have to modify much because of the neck. It might have been too much though, as the flare is back (or rather, it was probably always there, but the medication wore off). A little more prednisone...and probably another vicodin (the headache associated with this neck pain is bad...it's the joint that my skull is sitting on after all). I don't want to use vicodin, but at the same time, I want to function. I've just never had pain like this (besides childbirth, and my GI issues a couple months ago). RA can be so different...day to day, year to year, person to person, joint to joint. The neck...it's the worst, pain wise. I do think MAYBE I prefer it to the ankle though...I could still run. But, maybe if the neck was permanently bad, I wouldn't be able to cycle. Or swim (no turning my head to breathe). But...whatever, we adapt!

I heart Vicodin

2011-04-01T20:16:00.003-04:00

Neck flare again. Out of nowhere. Prednisone, wine, vicodin, and mucinex...I am feeling good right now. (I didn't intentionally mix the alcohol and vicodin...)

I did the TRX class last night. It was great, but I kind of wonder if all the stress of keeping my neck up during the class did me in. This winter I flared a couple times after shoveling heavy snow. Kinda sucks if there is a connection, because lifting is the one thing I can do even when my ankle/achilles hurt. Tuesday I went to the gym to run, and didn't even make 3/4 of a mile. I didn't even have it in me to stretch. It was weird.

I do wonder if there isn't jut something going on...the GI virus still affecting me maybe, the lingering bronchitis and cough I've had for nearly 3 weeks, something...I just feel off. And unfortunately I'm not pregnant, because that would explain a lot AND be a welcome thing. As it is...I think I'm going to look back on this winter and think, Man that SUCKED. In the moment it's hard to accept an "excuse." But in hindsight, it's been a lot to go through.

Redshirting kindergartners...WTF?

2011-03-17T22:26:00.006-04:00

I've been giving a lot of thought to where Andra will go to school for kindergarten, and when. Connecticut's cut off date is January 1, so she could go when she's 4 and 9 months, two falls from now. I teach in a rich, white, snobby district with great academics, and as a teacher, I could bring her to that district for free...there are a number of teachers who do. I live in a poorer, minority, failing-school labeled neighborhood. To my great surprise, we decided (though it took a lot of gong back and forth) to stick with our neighborhood school. (A recent party where we met a bunch of neighbors with kids around the same age, plus some who are older and in the school, totally confirmed our feelings on this. We can make up any holes in her education...we can't make up for the utter lack of cultural diversity and general reality that the other town lacks.) Then there's the issue of when...send her when she's eligible, or "red-shirt" her. Red-shirting is incredibly common in the the rich town where I teach. I've also been spending time (too much) reading blog posts and message boards about this. The basic idea is that everyone wants to give their kid an edge. But I just don't see that logic. All the time in the world isn't going to make a dumb kid smart, for one. And regardless, who the hell is your kindergartner competing against?? Sure, they will then say, oh, it's not kindergarten, it's so that when they take the SAT's they're a year older, and when they are in high school they are a year older...well, see my first point about intelligence. Do these people not realize that there are a LOT of stupid adults out there?? Age doesn't make you smarter. Then there's the fact that I teach high school. I don't care what anyone says, those kids aren't competing against each other. If they think they are, or their parents do, so be it, but the bottom line is, everyone is there to do the best they can for themselves, and no grade another student earns can detract from that.

That said, I am totally stressing that Andra won't be potty trained at school be September. That is one thing that time CAN help.

Lifted

2011-03-11T10:27:00.003-05:00

Had time this morning to work out before school, due to the testing schedule this week. I was going to run, to get 10 miles in for the week in 4 runs (hey, that would be a great thing right now), but some of the special needs kids were on the treadmills, so I lifted instead. I need to make up some more organized routines...but I did do some new things I read in magazines, and overall had a good workout. I need to keep up the momentum now...

I had a hard 2 months, with not feeling well. Lost my motivation. How can you work out well when you feel awful, tired, drained? I didn't necessarily see that at the time...I tend to be hard on myself. But in retrospect, there wasn't a lot I could do. Now that I am more normal, I'm getting back on track. Outdoor group rides with the group I swam with last year start in 2 weeks (on my birthday no less). It will still be COLD, but I hope to get out there ASAP.

Three

2011-03-10T19:43:00.003-05:00

Ahhh...three. Yes, there was some walking, because I want to run faster than I can. But...three miles! It's amusing to me, when I am walking now and I can do so without limping, I don't want to stop. SO different from how I felt the past two months. I wonder if the virus I had, with all the GI symptoms, also affected everything else...joints, muscles, general achiness. At any rate...it's been a great week. I love running to music and sweating again!

Two point five

2011-03-08T10:52:00.002-05:00

This is state testing week at school, so the schedule is all weird. I didn't have to proctor today, so I didn't have to really be at school until 10. Around 8:30, I decided that I really wanted to get a run in before school...so I got Andra off to daycare, and ran 2.5 on the school treadmill. EXCELLENT. Feet didn't hurt too much, I ran at 6.1 (yesterday was 6.0), and did 25 minutes (so a bit more than 2.5 miles). I woudl have kept going, I think, except I needed to go teach. The downside to it all was that the coaches' locker room apparently doesn't have hot water. So, a super quick cold shower and a blow dry of sweaty hair...but whatever, I feel great! Makes me wish I had a job with more normal hours...if I could work out at 7 every day, I think I could do it. Oh well, maybe this summer.

The question now is, what am I going to do with the fact that I can run now (again, it's always day to day, but...so far so good), and I feel so good about doing it? The ball is in my court.

Two

2011-03-07T13:07:00.003-05:00

Ran 2 miles just now at lunch. Lifted a little too. Ankle stiff but ended up ok, I even cranked it all the way up to an 8:00 pace for the last minute (spent most of the run at 10:00). I keep telling myself this...but I just need to get back into a routine. If I could run, or do anything, 6 days a week again, even 20 minute runs, I would feel so much better. More disciplined.

Seeing ankle doctor today, I want to get physical therapy mostly on the Achilles and have them do a gait analysis now that I actually can run. Most days at least. Part of my struggle is it's hard to plan when I don't know from day to day if running will be painful or doable. I know in my last post I said I can't run anymore...I didn't mean there aren't days I can run, but that I can't be a runner. I can't go out and do a 10 miler. I don't see anything more than a 5k, MAYBE a 10k in my future. I can't just pick up and have an easy run. Every run now (aside from it being short due to my not being in good enough shape anymore) is painful to some extent, has mental issues (will this hurt? will I be able to finish the run?), and lacks the spontaneous joy of being able to say, I'm a runner! Because I feel like a wannabe.

But still, even if I don't feel like a runner, I ran.

On not running

2011-03-03T08:15:00.003-05:00

Turns out (after I had a fun colonoscopy and biopsies were sent to the lab) that I probably had infectious colitis. Basically, some nasty virus that stuck around for 2 months making me miserable. There was microinflammation in the samples sent, but luckily they ruled out anything serious. Plus, it seems to have resolved itself after I had a good long puking episode a week ago Friday (which happened during last period of the day, and I just told my kids to leave...then I went to the bathroom and puked). So...I am feeling better in that regard.

With the weather turning a bit more spring like, I am dying to go running. However, my last few attempts have been thwarted by...pain, what else? Between my bad ankle and what feels like the bones pinching on nerves on some steps, and my Achilles (it's really the base of my heel on the sides, I guess that's the insertion point for the Achilles?) on the other foot, I basically just can't do it. It's killing me. Even walking again. Saw a woman running as I drove to school yesterday (and today), and honestly I just teared up at how mad I am that I can't do it anymore. Nothing substitutes for running. Nothing is the same.

There's another teacher here whom I see every week or so, and maybe a month ago she was all excited to tell me that she has started P90x. She used to be a runner and very in shape, but about 5 years ago she was diagnosed with some autoimmume eye disease, and was on prednisone for a couple years and gained 15 pounds and had double vision that made her stop running. Yesterday, she was so thrilled that she had run 2 miles on the treadmill. She echoed what I've been feeling, that nothing takes its place and that it's so frustrating to realize you'll probably never get back to where you were in terms of pace, ease, distance. I don't really know what to do with it all. I'm going to try today at the end of the day to do a treadmill run. Maybe it'll go ok, maybe not. I haven't lost my passion for running, but I've lost my ability to do so. That day finally came. Maybe not for good, I hope, but. It sucks.

School

2011-02-24T13:33:00.002-05:00

Spring break week. I've been cleaning a lot, and not working out a much as I had planned. Lifted once. Need to get back into the pool, as my ankle and Achilles are just not letting me run (so,nix on the treadmill idea). The snow isn't letting me walk with the BOB outside either. And the bike trainer...well, I've used it a few times, but...not much. We've begun the trying for #2 process, and that is another excuse to not put much effort into working out. I am still working out some, I shouldn't make it sound like I do nothing, but it's just different from the heyday of 2007. Man, I loved that year.

Andra was just "accepted" into preschool. I had a spot for her at a daycare for the fall (the home daycare she's in now only goes through age 3, and the other kids her age are starting new places this fall so it seemed the right time, even though she'll only be 2 and 9 months), by all means a nice enough place, a small center, that did preschool like things. But then we heard about a Catholic (we are NOT Catholic, I am not religious at all) school that, ummm, we can see and hear from our backyard. Turns out, it's really a daycare-preschool (to me the distinction has always been that kids of working moms go to daycare, kids of stay at home moms go to preschool a couple mornings or afternoons a week) - meaning, 7:30-5! (Not that she'd go that late with my teacher hours, but the point is, it's designed for working parents.) We went on a tour, LOVED IT, applied, and yesterday she got the "thick envelope." Best part? Compared to the daycare she would have gone to, we'll save over $500 A MONTH (yes, we live in a ridiculously high cost of living area). Not bad, considering my husband got laid off and tomorrow is his last day. But, I am ready for the toddler stage to be over and for the kid stage, complete with school, to begin. I know some people are the opposite and want their kid to be little for as long as possible, but...not me. There's a reason I teach high school, not preschool! I can't wait for Andra to be able to write, read, do math...basically, I am ready for kindergarten now. And this little school (which we can walk around the block to get to, no need to drive!) has 3s, 4s and a kindergarten, in case we love it that much. As for the Catholic part...well, the nuns who run it seem super nice and fun (not mean at all!) and really, in preschool, how much religion can there be? I think they sing religious songs and say prayers at 9:15 every morning or something...whatever. PLUS, they apparently put on a super cute Christmas pageant. And Andra gets to wear a uniform. Basically, she will be a little kid, and I am so ready! I worry a bit that she will be the youngest (she will, with a December birthday), but at the same time, even if maybe some of her skills aren't quite there, she is so social and POLITE and good at sharing and all those other things, that I think she will be very ready for the experience. I am, anyway!

She finally looks like me

2011-02-13T22:04:00.002-05:00

I love this picture. Andra's expression is a cross between me and my mom. Plus, she was having a good hair day, with a new style that hasn't happened since!

Ah, the trainer...

2011-02-05T07:33:00.003-05:00

I brought it up from the depths of the basement where it had been for a while, not getting used. Out of sight, out of mind. I set it all up last week, and am determined to ride at least once a week. And run once a week. And lift once. And do one or 2 classes. The workouts aren't as intense or as long as they used to be, but I need to get that frequency back up a little. I'm expecting to be pregnant in the next few months, so I really don't have any plans to race this year, so that cuts in to the motivation too. But I will start keeping a workout log again, which I used to do and LOVE going back to reread.

Anyway, after school Friday I rode that trainer before getting Andra from daycare. Just 30 minutes. BUT, when you're kind of out of shape, 30 minutes works. I sweat a ton, my legs felt like jelly when I got in the car 45 minutes later, and I felt good, like I wasn't a total slacker.

Treadmill...

2011-01-24T10:19:00.002-05:00

I am thinking of getting a treadmill. I figure when we eventually have #2, I might need it. Not sure yet...if I got one, wouldn't be til Christmas probably. Gives me a year to think about if I'd use it enough to justify the expense. Hell, gives me time to see if we can even afford the expense. But, the past few weeks have been so busy and I am not working out. Yes, I have a trainer in the basement, but I don't like the trainer like I like running. And running seems to be back, at least enough days in small doses.

The wrong way to lose weight

2011-01-19T08:43:00.004-05:00

Not much has been happening in the work out life. A few weeks before Christmas, Fred and Andra came down with a puking bug. While I missed that fun, I did have other GI issues that were equally unpleasant. It was on and off for a few weeks (luckily I was fine on Christmas Eve and day). I thought maybe lactose intolerance, but a few days off of dairy didn't help. My parents came for the weekend of Jan 8-9. Fred and I were to go out on Saturday night while my parents babysat, but I had a horrid RA flare...in my neck again. Couldn't move. Great fun. The next night, my stomach went nuts again. And for the past week and a half, every afternoon I have a few hours of intense pain and cramping. Fun, no? Especially with a toddler who doesn't get that I don't want to move. So I basically started eating as little as possible...a protein shake in the morning, maybe a banana, little snacks as opposed to meals. I started thinking it was a gluten thing...both celiac disease and Crohn's disease (though that's not gluten) are autoimmune, and already having two other autoimmune issues, they become more likely. Except, I was on a big dose of prednisone (30mg, then 20, then 10, then back to my usual 2.5) and it was still bad. And prednisone generally helps all that stuff. SO...I finally am going to see my doctor on Friday. Two days off of gluten and I felt good for one, then back to the crap (literally) for the second. Maybe because I had oatmeal, and apparently oats do have gluten? Anyway...my weight was 141lbs this morning (usual before this was 147). Hard not to lose weight when you feel like shit after you eat! That's a good incentive. I haven' t been eating dinner a lot lately...putting Andra to bed, and falling asleep myself. Of course, it also means no energy. I did manage to run 2 miles yesterday and lift a little (snow day, so a bit of extra time), and it felt good to be back there, but today it's only 9am and I feel so weak. Yet, I don't want to eat for fear of the cramping and pain. Sucks, you know???

TRX

2011-01-07T08:08:00.002-05:00

I did a TRX intro class at the gym last night that my friend taught. I am waiting for the soreness to set in...it was tough! But fun to do something new. She's doing it every Thursday now, so I need to find a way to get there...I actually felt really strong doing it all.

Relative success

2011-01-05T10:12:00.002-05:00

Andra gets it. She likes the potty, she goes, she rarely has accidents at home anymore, even when not naked. Phew! Even out, though I put a diaper on her, she often tells me she has to go. yesterday we were in the city for her FINAL appointment with her hemangioma doctor, and she told me twice she had to go! And more importantly, we made it both times. She did pee in it on the walk back to my brother's apartment (she did NOT want to ride in the stroller, despite it being well past nap time...there was no nap yesterday). But, she didn't pee on their floor or anything so I consider her pretty much trained. Daytime trained. At home. Close enough.

Blizzard = potty training time

2010-12-27T21:10:00.002-05:00

Merry Chrsitmas, a little late. We spent the holiday with Fred's family, at his parents' on Christmas eve and at his grandparents' on Christmas day. I managed a 3.5 mile run on Christmas eve before we left, but nothing for the last 3 days. With the blizzard that kind of trapped us (we were supposed to go into NYC to see my brother, sister in law, niece and mom who is here for 2 weeks...will go Wednesday instead), I decided it was time to POTTY TRAIN and so I haven't left the house. It's going pretty well. I went with the cold turkey method...no diapers (nap and bedtime excepted). Basically she's naked from the waist down (or wearing loose pants when she lets me put them on her...she prefers naked). The first day I sat her down every 20-30 minutes. The morning was rough, after a good start (peed the first time I put her down right after she woke up). She had lots of little pees, most on the carpet. I almost gave up especially when she started protesting. Enter chocolate chips. Went much better in the afternoon, and today, mostly. Although I am exhausted from constantly watching her, trying to catch her if she started to pee off the potty. But, we did go out in the snow a few time, for 30 minutes or so, and she stayed dry. Tomorrow I do plan to take her to daycare for a bit...not sure what they will do (they might want her in diapers, so she doesn't pee on their carpet!) BUT I do think in a week or so we'll be pretty much good in terms of daytime. Not sure I'll ever be able to take her out in public again, but... :)

And again...

2010-12-17T23:24:00.002-05:00

Another after school treadmill run. Working on getting the speed back, slowly. Two 9:15 miles, a quick break, and half an 8:00 mile. Then had to go get Andra so we could go swimming. Starting to remember how I used to like treadmill runs, plugged into the iPod, music up loud. It's coming back, I got a second chance. Fingers crossed that was it...I want to do the Mothers' Day 10k in May!

Routine

2010-12-15T15:23:00.005-05:00

Just ran 3 miles on the treadmill at school. First time I've been down there ALL YEAR. Now that I can run again, and it feels GOOD to do so, I need my routine back. Frankly I've been so swamped at school with more students than ever and less free time thanks to our new contract, and swamped at home with cleaning and cooking (not that I do either well, which just adds to the stress), that I rarely have time in the week when I feel like I can just RELAX. When Andra's awake, she doesn't let me do my own thing...ever. Which is understandable and all, but even when my husband's home, it's ME she wants to have her attention.

Anyway, I ran, including one 9 minute mile (felt good), half an 8 minute mile, and a quarter of a 7:30 mile. I think I'll start working on my speed more on the treadmill, and try to start doing a longer run (I want my usual 5.5 mile route back!) on the weekends...once it's not in the 20s anymore.

Busy Day

2010-12-12T14:47:00.007-05:00

Thank god for friends who aren't wimps. Today was the 3 mile race I wanted to do. Despite the forecast calling for rain (though, a relatively balmy 45 degrees), Jen said she was GOING. So of course I had to, too. We showed up with maybe 50 people and ran. Not too bad, really. I was slow, my watch said 29 minutes (9:40 pace) (update: official time 28:58, 9:39 pace), but since there was so much other stuff to complain about (rain, cold, rain, cold, etc.) my ankle didn't bother me at all! I was cautious going down hills...it looked slippery, and one wrong landing would have hurt a lot. I got passed more going downhill than up. No mile markers, but it didn't matter. Results here. Interestingly, if I had been a man, I would have been 5th in my age group!

Went back to reread my post from March 2008 after I ran my fastest paced race ever, another 3 miler at a 7:34 pace. WOW. I was over 2 min/mile slower today. I can't believe I ever worked that hard! Even then (I'd forgotten this) I was wary about my ankle and knew everything would change one day.

I came to the conclusion that I am naturally a slow runner. I got reasonably fast (for me) through a lot of hard work and being in really good shape. But I lost all that, including the mental toughness, and have to start over. Jen, who also claims to be as out of shape as I am, ran nearly 2 minutes faster than I. She is naturally faster...if she ever really trained, she'd kick my ass. I hope someday we both are in a place to really train for something together.

So, 2010 saw one running race after all. And the rain didn't stop me (though it came close). I am wearing my race t-shirt right now, with three running Santas, and feeling pretty good. A year ago I told myself I was taking December off. Then I had the worst flare ever on New Year's Eve. By February I was noticeably limping and running wasn't even a possibility. Hell, walking wasn't. But...so it goes. My rheumatologist, whom I saw Friday, said I was a "relative success story." I have aggressive RA, but...I've been lucky. I know that.

Today is also Andra's birthday. The cake was made last night after a late-night run to the store to get flour when the cake was halfway made. Gingerbread layer cake with cream cheese frosting. No real party, just one set of grandparents Fred's brother, his wife and their baby. I am just not an entertainer.

I really want to go take a nap. Andra's was short and all I had time to do was ice the cake. Surprisingly she's letting me type this up now

3 more

2010-11-28T22:04:00.002-05:00

3 miles today at 10:00 pace, though I did walk for a minute after 2 miles and again at 2.5, but then did the last .5 at 8:40. Wore my heartrate monitor, and it wasn't a bad as it felt. Most of the time I was around 160bpm when I was working hard, but never higher than 163. For what I have programmed in, that's about 80-82% max (though I think my age is set at 30, not 35...if that makes a difference; not sure if I had to put in my max HR or if it's assumed based on age, it's been a while since I've looked at it).

Had a friend who works there look at my gait, and he said at first it looked normal, but as I went longer, he said the ankle definitely looked stiff, but that my gait wasn't horribly altered. He suggested a gait analysis to see if there's anything else I can do to make it easier. Anyone ever have one or know anything about them??

No Turkey Trot

2010-11-25T21:57:00.002-05:00

I almost did the 5 mile turkey trot I've done the past 3 years (including at 36 week pregnant). On Tuesday I went out and did 4.5 miles. Still slow, it took me 47 minutes (there was some walking on top of my 10 minute pace). But, the ankle has proven itself. If I think it will be fine, it has been. There are days I go, "No way, not today," but in general when I do run, it is ok. The stiffness sucks, the minor gait change sucks (only once I think did I run and have it feel mostly normal), but even though it doesn't feel normal, it feels doable. At any rate, after that run, I thought maybe I'd do the race. I knew there would be tons of people behind me even if I ran an 11 minute pace, as that's what happened when I was pregnant. Still, I didn't put a ton of thought into it, it was more a passing idea to continue the "streak" especially since that was my last race. Would have been nice to pick up after a year of forced rest. But, when all was said and done, I got up at 6:45 and sat on the couch and read a book until Andra woke up at 8. And I don't regret it. Except of course, the not regretting it makes me regret it. I could have run, should I have? Eh...whatever, I still plan to do the 3 miler on December 12.

Thanksgiving went...everyone brought something and the food worked out well. Thirteen adults didn't seem like too much after all, and I didn't even really talk to most people as I was busy either cooking or playing with Andra and Iris. Fun to see the cousins together.

Slightly faster

2010-11-21T20:21:00.002-05:00

Ran a little over 3 miles today with my friend Jen, our second Sunday run in preparation (not training, but preparation) for our 3 mile race in 3 weeks. It was GREAT. 32 minutes (my longest consecutive run in a LONG time). We ran the big hill (it's not big) we walked last week, and that was a HUGE psychological boost. Overall I think our pace was a hair under 10 minute miles, which, given the talking we were doing, I am very happy with. Yes, I used to run this route closer to an 8:00 pace. But I have to keep telling myself, it's not about that anymore. It's about the fact that I can run at all. And honestly, I may be able to up the pace to something I would consider more normal for me. What wanted to give out today wasn't my ankle, it was the rest of me. And I had no issues making myself push through that, since that's just me being out of shape. But I felt much better than my runs a few weeks ago, stronger, more normal. I'll take it.

In Andra's world...she won't say "Yes," but "k" is her new response to any question (beats "No!"). She has changed tons in the last few months. Still not a huge talked, but she gets her point across. When she wants me to come play with her, she takes my hand and says, "Pull." When she can't do something, she says "Help." When she wants to find the Pokey (the cat), she calls out, "Peepee!" Eh, close enough. She has, as she always has, a wicked sense of humor. For instance, she just put one of my Bondi bands on her duck's head, held it up, and said, "Cool!" Cool.

This is bad...

2010-11-12T10:12:00.001-05:00

I plan to run outside after school today. I need a shorter route than I used to run due to previously mentioned out-of-shape issues. I know I have a bunch of routes saved in an online place, but I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME of the website. It's not mapmyrun.com. WHAT IS IT???? Can't believe it's been so long that I can't remember it.

Double

2010-11-09T20:38:00.003-05:00

This week school seems to have let up a bit. I caught up on all my grading since I had to turn in first quarter grades Monday. I have the next two weeks of lessons planned out. So, that means I have more time to work out. I went to the gym today after school to run (it was cold out, I am a wimp right now about cold) and did 2 miles. Straight. At a pace of...10 minute miles. It was hard! This is way worse than a post-pregnancy comeback. Then, I ran all but about 5 weeks, including a marathon, a half, a 10k, a 5k, and a 5 miler right at the end. This time, I really have not run at all (minus a few random 10 minute attempts) in 11 months. The distance was fine. The pace though...I can't believe a 10 minute mile was so hard. It felt like what 8 minute miles used to feel like. Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to have fun watching that pace get faster.

Andra and I went to the playground briefly after I picked her up, but she apparently has learned the word "Home" and wanted to go there. The she kept using her favorite new word, "Juice," which takes a lot of effort for her to say (though the girl does practice). I went to the gym AGAIN to the core class I like to take, and when I got home at 7:45 Andra was still up. I wasn't expecting that, since I was told she played happily in her crib for 1.5 hours today instead of napping. I hope this isn't her new normal.

Also, turns out we are having 13 adults and 3 kids at our (pretty small) house for Thanksgiving. This could be...disastrous. It certainly won't be fancy. I have to make lists to ask people to bring things! It could be fun though.

Is it over?

2010-11-07T15:01:00.002-05:00

Ran 2 days in a row. There was no bootcamp yesterday morning, so I went to the gym just to work out on my own. Ran a mile, lifted, ran another mile. Hmmm. Felt...pretty fine. So I tried again today after I put Andra down for a nap. Just my new "usual," a 2.5 mile loop from home. Ankle felt...pretty fine. I think I turned a corner, physically and mentally.

My goal is going to be to try to run twice a week. I am seriously out of shape, and the slow running I did was kind of pathetic, but that just means I will see improvement if I keep at it. Mentally, just telling myself to do a 20-30 minute run seems like nothing. Short runs used to be double that. So I should be able to fit them in easily, right after school once or twice a week.

Eleven months of not running. And now, just maybe, that is over.

My Sunflower

2010-11-01T08:16:00.003-04:00

I did make the costume (including the flower crown for Duck-Duck). The sweater and pants were just her regular clothes, but I added all the colorful stuff! So much fun.

Fall run

2010-10-29T22:38:00.004-04:00

Ran today outside. Walk 2 min, run 8, total 30 min. Totally overdressed, I feel like a novice at figuring out the weather for running! Ankle felt good...not normal, it hurt, but it was runnable without a real limp. Not sure if this will continue, but I think I've had enough of these posts that I need to start assuming that I can run at least once a week. There's no danger of my really running for now, in that I found out I'm pretty out of shape! But the act felt good, the soreness will feel good tomorrow. Hopefully the RA went in, did its thing, and is out now...though I'm left with the results, still, it's not as bad as when it was actively in there 9 months ago. I do wonder if, when I get pregnant again, hopefully next year, it will go away like it did last time. Again, I know I am left with the damage to the bones, but that I can deal with...people run with all kinds of osteoarthritis, which, once the RA isn't active there anymore, is basically what I'm left with. I also think my new Brooks running shoes (the same kind I always have work, though lately I've been wearing some Asics I bought even though I know Asics don't fit me well...figured they'd be ok for non-running things, but they're still not for me) helped. My orthotics I am still not convinced about (my drugstore Dr. Scholl's arch supports do as much if not more for the pain). At any rate...think my hiatus is over. Now I need to carve out one run a week. Added to the 2 classes I take (Saturday boot camp and Tuesday core), that will have to do for now, as tutoring has taken over a lot of my "me" time...but it's ok as the relief from money worries makes up for it. Fitness will come back...

About the costume, yes, I made it! Lots of felt. Sewn to a purchased headband and a hand-me-down sweater. We went to a halloween party tonight at the YMCA and I think Andra had the best costume. I am not a fan of store-bought...though it I weren't a tiny bit crafty I wouldn't be able to think that way. Pictures soon, it was too dark at the party to get good ones.

Sunflower costume...

2010-10-28T22:55:00.002-04:00

Ready to go! Hoping it survives the pictures at daycare tomorrow plus a party before the big day!

Change is good

2010-10-24T20:44:00.003-04:00

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ***Anais Nin

This quote is on one of my friend's Facebook profile. I like it.

Fall Pictures

2010-10-15T21:37:00.000-04:00

Downshifting

2010-10-15T21:21:00.004-04:00

Working out is taking a back seat to tutoring this year. No secret that the drive to workout has dropped a lot now that I can't run. I know I *could* work harder at other things, and I tried...with the masters swim last winter, with the aqua-bike races I did, with the CCC bike trip...I tried. And, I had fun. But the DRIVE to GO GO GO just was never replicated. Some of it is probably for the best, in that my focus can't just be on me now that I have a kid. But I also know that's a bit of a cop out, as so many others still do it all, and still love it. Not being able to run means that I have no way to gauge my fitness, nor do I have a need to do so. There's no test...no upcoming 5k, no half-marathon to train for, nothing to prove to myself. I WISH I could. I wish there were local bike races every weekend like there are local road races. I wish there had been local open water swim races. But it seems that, as popular as triathlons are, cycling and swimming events by themselves just aren't. It kind of sucks. And actually, there is a local criterium series (about an hour away, so not so local) in the summer, but...an hour away, with all the hassle of the bike...and a kid...it just wasn't happening. Argh. I sort of sound like I am making excuses, and maybe I am, although I know the bottom line is, for WHATEVER reason, fitness isn't as important right now. I don't like it. And don't get me wrong, I am not getting any fatter and I haven't become a couch potato. I am happy. But I am also scared that I might lose that part of me. Volunteering at road races this summer was important to me, since I couldn't run them. I want to still be associated with the athletic lifestyle, even if I don't live and breathe it any more. Eh...I don't know. And hopefully next summer I will be pregnant again, so I won't be doing any triathlons (except maybe the swim part of a relay?).

Ok, this post started off about tutoring. My point was, instead of working out, I am now working 10 extra hours a week. It's killer money...I am matching my take-home pay every month, or will be if the 10 kids I agreed to work with all need me once a week (ha ha, or perceive that they do...I still don't get the mentality, but it's a wealthy community and I think it's a status thing to have a tutor sometimes rather than asking your teacher for free help). But that was my work-out time, and now that's largely not there anymore. And I'm ok with it. Especially because we have 2 new cars in our near future (my 1999 Subaru, which I love, probably will need to go in a year or so, and Fred's 2003 VW has 200,000 miles on it since his commute is so long), a second kid in the future, the equity in our house has dwindled to practically nothing due to the market, and things like that stress me out. I figure if I do all this tutoring this year, then I can relax next school year, have a baby, and...then stress out again about money the year after that!

Ride Over!

2010-10-04T22:10:00.008-04:00

Well, it all worked out. I flew to San Francisco last Friday, in time for most of the opening dinner. Our bikes were there, and, minus a bent derailleur hanger (I have no idea what that is, but the mechanics fixed it so it didn't matter), everything was perfect. We rode out Saturday morning and did 86 miles to Santa Cruz. It was GREAT. I felt GREAT. Super strong.
Then I had to leave the next morning, but it was ok. That morning I also met Jeff, one of the founders of Amgen, and heard the story of how he was pretty much responsible for getting the manufacturing of Enbrel down. (When I first wanted to go on it, there was a waiting list months long because Immunex, who developed the drug, had manufacturing issues with a protein breaking down. Jeff knew how to fix it, and Amgen bought out Immunex and within a year there was no more waiting list. Yes, he was a bit self-inflating, but at the same time, I think he wasn't...and besides, he raised over $3000 the first day riding, including $600 at a nude beach, and that is on top of the $50,000 or so he raised before the ride even started.)

My bike went on without me, looking very official on top of the Amgen team car. At least one of us did the whole distance.
I spent Sunday morning with my friend Sarita and her new husband Andrew who just moved out to Sunnyvale from CT. They got me back to the airport, I flew home, got to sleep around 2am, had to get up at 6 for work, then tutor for 2 hours that night (I didn't even get to put Andra to bed)...it was CRAZY. But, I got it done, and then went BACK to CA Wednesday. Rode 3 more days, 67 miles, 88 miles, and 60 miles. I'd never had saddle sores before Thursday. OUCH. Made Friday and Saturday considerably less comfortable, but still loads of fun. We had some long stretches of relatively FLAT road on the last day into Santa Monica, and I just went. It was amazing, windy, a bit rainy at times, just perfect. And the days I missed happened to be the hottest (in the 9os+) and hilliest (and yes, the most beautiful, but I'm trying not to remember that).

It was neat to see a bunch of other riders with arthritis. Some had RA, others had other forms, but we were all athletes who don't let it stop us, and that was neat to see.

Another run...I'll take what I can get.

2010-09-22T21:26:00.003-04:00

Gorgeous day today, so I took Andra to one of the neighboring beaches we can only get into off season. I parked about a mile from the beach so I could get an iced coffee from the cute market in town. Put Andi in the BOB and off we went. My ankle felt ok (instead of my custom $$ orthotics, I had in good old Dr. Scholl's inserts I bought while pregnant...I think I had another post a while ago that these actually seemed to do more than the orthotics, but they've been hidden in my slippers all summer and so I haven't worn them in a while). I figured I'd run a few steps and see. Hmmm. Not bad, except that my iced coffee was sloshing all over the place. (If I'd planned to run, I wouldn't have bought that as a pre-workout drink!) Still, small price to pay if I can actually manage to run...and I could! It was 10 minutes to the beach, and later 10 back. It was slow, but honestly not much slower than normal BOB runs for me (oh, how long ago that all seems...). It felt good...not pain free, but I don't think I had too much of a limp, and running actually feels better than walking when I can do it. I'm not sure I can necessarily plan runs...some days I know it will just hurt too much. But, maybe I can plan more walks that COULD be runs if it feels good. It would be nice to be able to do that again. Working out has taken a backseat to everything lately. Work is a bit stressful, I am tutoring 5 or 6 hours a week as opposed to the 2 last year (we need the $$ badly, especially with this CA bike trip), and the not being able to just go run makes working out much more of a time commitment.

I hope I am sore tomorrow. I miss that.

OK, OK....

2010-09-10T07:35:00.004-04:00

I guess I'm not posting much because I'm not working out much. I used to love posting about my runs, how I did, what I felt like. But now that I'm not running, not so much to say. Not so exciting to tell about the set I did in the weight room. I haven't completely given up, I still work out probably 4 days a week (swimming, cycling, a class at the gym or lifting) but with no plan or pattern. I'm ok with it for the most part, recognizing it just as a low point in the cycle. Except for the fact that I have this epic bike ride (well, half an epic bike ride) coming up, it wouldn't matter so much. As it is, I will not be in nearly as good of shape as I wanted to be. Still, I keep reminding myself that this is not a race, it's a tour with apparently LOTS of stops along the way for coffee, pictures, lunch, etc. My ass is going to hurt, but I can deal. The most I have to ride is 3 consecutive days. And we met our fundraising minimum too, which is nice.

Andra and I have been making the rounds at the local playgrounds every afternoon to satisfy her never ending request for "Slide?" (which actually means "swings." Can't convince her to say that one, even though it's what she means.) It's been fun. Good weather. I get a coffee and stand and push her 30 minutes in the swing (God forbid another kid wants a turn), convince her to go to the REAL slide for a while, and take one more turn in the swings before calling it a day. Not bad. I also got her a water table for the deck, a little late in the season but it was $5 on Craigslist. She loves to splash and pour.

End of summer

2010-08-18T12:48:00.002-04:00

This blog has started to become what my journal has...infrequent entries that read more like bullet points of things I don't want to forget. Oh well.

Working out...with vacations and heat waves, this didn't go as planned this summer, especially the last 2 weeks. Last workout was a 22 minute swim in Lake Huron 2 weeks ago. It was fun though! With this being the last week of summer vacation, my motivation is low. As always, I wish I could run. Biking alone just doesn't appeal, though I do enjoy it when I am out there. I haven't come to terms with not running yet. I did have that barefoot episode, but haven't done more. I haven't accepted that I will almost certainly never run distances again, and definitely never at my real speed. The appointment with the ankle guy in the city yesterday confirmed that. Surgery would alleviate the pain, but probably wouldn't cure my limp. So. The best I can hope for is that time will damage the joint more so that it hurts less (weird, yes) and that mentally I can be ok with going for a short run/limp and not having it count as a workout. But when I drive along my old running routes, I miss it. I guess more than that I miss who I was then. I miss the discipline, determination, focus. Life changes, that's fine, but...I guess it's like how I wish I could go back to college again. Can't. Done. That's over. But, I still miss it.

Plan to post pictures soon...we were just in Michigan for a week with my brother, niece, and parents. Then Andra and I took the train to Chicago (4.5 hours) for an overnight with my friend Jessica and her kids. That was a blast...another nostalgia though. Jessica was my first mom friend here in CT, and then she moved back to Chicago just a year later (this past March). Major bummer. Especially since our kids actually sort of PLAYED together. Her daughter has some of her husband's antisocial qualities and tends to not like other kids. Or at least that's what Jessica says...the woman tells FUNNY stories about her family. I miss that honesty!!! Plus it makes me like her kid...right now, I pretty much don't like other people's kids. Ever. (Yes, I am a teacher.)

Team Vlad

2010-08-02T22:59:00.002-04:00

Me with the 2 16-year olds on the team. Vlad is in the middle, he averaged 19mph on the bike. Jan is the runner (and he ran barefoot!) and he did the 5k in about 20 minutes. 1:32:30 I think, 10/20 for the relays and around 172/610 overall. They didn't keep splits for anyone, just a final time minus your wave start, so the relays were thrown in with the individual results. Despite what the race officials were calling a "healthy" half-mile swim (first swimmer finished in 13 minutes on my watch, so my 22 minutes wasn't as bad as it sounds), it was good! I hit the first 2 buoys head on, but never saw the third (I was sighting the beach then). No sense of panic or drowning!

These are Vlad's parents, Gabriel finished in around 1:22 and Olympia took pictures!

I ran!

2010-07-29T19:39:00.003-04:00

I decided I had to try running. It has been 6 months, with the last, kind of pathetic attempt, sometime in January. Yesterday I took off my shoes and ran barefoot at the playground with Andra. Today I went to the gym, and did a barefoot 15 minutes (ummm, that was just a little over a mile). Speed can't happen...not that I've lost that much fitness, but I have to change my gait, and at least now, there's no way I'm going to go fast. The thing is? Didn't matter. I had my iPod, and I FELT like I was flying! I tried to run again with shoes on after that 15 minutes, and it wasn't as good. Neither way was "normal," exactly. I can't roll from my heel to push off with my big toe, which is normal (for me at least). I was running slightly more on the outside of my left foot, and I'm sure my hips were moving more than normal to compensate. With shoes, I wasn't able to land as much on the outside of my foot, which is why I preferred barefoot. That, and I had fewer expectations while barefoot.

It was fun. I am still a runner. I got all nostalgic and excited getting on the treadmill. It was kind of emotional. That's why I like running. Nothing else lets me think things through like a good run. (And slow as it was, this counted as a good run.)

My only concern is that, if I can do this once or twice a week because I enjoy it, it can't replace a real workout. I tried to take my heart rate at the end, and I think it was in the 130s. Between the 15 minutes of running and the 15 minutes of rolling out my hip flexor on the foam roller to try to avoid any issues from my gimp, it's a long process for little physical benefit. But, the mental benefits may be more important right now.

Relay!

2010-07-27T21:35:00.003-04:00

Sunday I am doing the swim part of a sprint tri in Greenwich. A high school kid who comes to the Y with his parents (they are all super nice, parents are from...shoot, some eastern European country) has done the relay for the past couple years and wanted to again, so his dad asked if I wanted to swim. It should be fun!!!

Vacation #1

2010-07-25T13:26:00.006-04:00

And the heat continues...which has made me really just not into doing anything outside. And since I don't run or walk anyway anymore, that just left cycling to get the axe. So I've been a bit of a slacker, though I have kept up the swimming, water running, and lifting, and spinning.

This past week, we were at Lake George, at the Silver Bay YMCA. Fred's sort of a Quaker, and they have their yearly retreat type thing up there every year. I was skeptical last year, not being AT ALL religious, but it was fun and I didn't really encounter any religion. You had to know where to go to get it, and I didn't, which suited me fine! We had a blast. Andra in particular would have preferred if we never left. We were outside all day (and it wasn't 90 degrees and humid!), we went swimming and canoeing, and best of all, she could just walk around and say hi to people who would say hi back. (Home now, we went to the grocery store this morning, and it was a little depressing, as Andra kept waving at everyone and very few people responded...not the friendliest of areas, alas.) She was known as the girl with the orange crocs (or, in her words, "shoos"). Fred and I went for a 25 mile bike ride one day, I lifted once, and two days I swam laps in the lap lanes they put out in the lake (I'm guessing they were around 75 yards...anyway between 50-100). It was kind of a good mix between open water swimming and pool swimming! Also, a friend of Fred's was there, someone he hadn't seen in years, with his wife and 19 month old son. We had a lot of fun with them.

Heat wave

2010-07-07T21:47:00.003-04:00

We've been at the pool every afternoon this week. No central air = kinda hot. Actually it's not terrible, we have AC units upstairs and if I keep all the windows and blinds closed and point a fan downstairs, it's pleasant enough until about 2pm. And since I take Andra to daycare before noon so I can go to the gym to swim or lift, it's all good. Our next door neighbor has AC and I hung out there yesterday morning since her house was empty (I was invited!), and I actually had to leave and go home because I was TOO cold! She calls her house the meat locker, and it really is!

Andra likes the crocs I got her today. I've had trouble finding sandals that fit her feet...size 4.5 wide. But these were awesome, and she LOVES them.

I didn't win!!

2010-06-27T17:17:00.002-04:00

This was a great race! I think I feel so good about it because I came in 5/6 in the aquabike division...meaning there was good competition! Including someone I swam with in the master's class. Not sure why she didn't run, I think she just isn't much of a runner. But she was the fastest swimmer in the group (male or female) so I knew she at least would be tough to beat (I didn't know much about her cycling other than I was faster, but didn't know if it would be enough to offset the swim). She ended up beating me by 2 minutes and 13 seconds! The 5 minutes faster she swam* wasn't enough for the 3 minutes I beat her on the bike. That, plus there were 3 other faster (and one slower, though not by much) women aquabikers.

*The swim...can you call it a swim if you have to RUN to the first buoy (and partway to the second)? Can you say LOW TIDE? Ouch. If my ankle wasn't enough to make me unhappy that the swim included a run, the oyster shells on the slimy, muddy bottom of Long Island Sound was. So, I was at a bit of a disadvantage there, but...who cares. After I could actually swim, it wasn't bad. Took a while to get used to the nasty salt water (and sulfur smell that accompanies low tide around here) but the temperature was perfect (71F), there was a lot of room to spread out, and even if I am not fast, I am steady. Felt good. 30:51.

T1. 4:18. Of course it includes the long walk to my bike that everyone else can run, and my wetsuit came off easier than last time, so...whatever.

Bike. Let's start with the flat tire I got while pumping up my tires at 5am. Luckily, still at home. Got my husband out of bed to change it for me...it was the rear tire, plus it's been 2 years since I've changed one. Despite his broken collar bone (crash 3 weeks ago), he was still way faster than I ever would have been. So with everything good bike wise, I went out to have FUN. I decided that swimming was survival, biking was fun, and running (when I did it) was WORK. So, I can't work anymore...better that than not being able to have FUN! It was a tough course, though not as tough as the one a few weeks ago. I did manage to slow down to a whopping 4.2mph on one steep hill that WOULD NOT END. I still passed 2 people at that speed...go figure! And there were a lot of false flats...like, I would be dying and going so slowly, then it would turn into an actual hill and I would speed up and feel better. 17.5 average speed for the 24.8 miles.

That's it! Anyway, it was fun. Phew.

3 weeks??

2010-06-25T20:51:00.002-04:00

Geez, almost 3 weeks since I last posted. Clearly not much has been going on! To catch up though:

1. I managed to get 2 unpaid days to go to CA to ride in September. Am I crazy to think this is a good plan? Fly to San Francisco Friday after school, ride Saturday and Sunday, get back to SF for a red eye back to CT to teach Monday morning (with secret coverage if I am late, which I will be). Fly back to Santa Barbara Wednesday night and get to where the tour is, ride Thursday, Friday and Saturday, and fly back Sunday. It's a lot of flying, but...it's worth it, right? The silver lining is that I don't have to leave Andra for 11 days. The downsides are many, but that may make up for it all.

2. I have another aquabike race on Sunday. This one is in my hometown. No, I haven't ridden the bike course...stupid. Though a lot of it I already know, some I don't.

3. School ended yesterday!

4. Working out has been less than inspired. I'm managing 3-4 times a week, but no more. Riding once a week, swimming once a week, lifting or a class once or twice. I went back to boot camp on Saturday and managed to do most of the things, even some jumping (though I have to land flat on my foot or heel, at least it's jumping!). Some modifications necessary, but it felt like I did more than I was when I sort of quit going.

5. I miss walks. Even more than I miss running, I miss going out for walks in the neighborhood.

6. My mom was here this past week, just left this morning. The woman GETS THINGS DONE. In one week, we (mostly she, but guilt made me help her) washed ALL of the downstairs windows, inside and out; made curtains for 6 of the windows to replace the horribly ugly (and dirty) blinds that I hated yet lived with for 3.5 years) (actually, I still have to hem them and put them up...let's see how long that takes me without her here cracking the whip); trimmed tons of tree branches that had been blocking my vegetable garden and others that had made out back yard look like a jungle; weeded the cracks in the sidewalks and driveway; cleaned both bathrooms. Seriously, I don't know where she gets her drive. And yes, I did feel guilty holding the ladder while my 65 year old mom washed my windows, but there's just no talking sense into her sometimes.

7. My friend Sarita moved away...boo! But she's getting married, so it's all good.

8. Need to overhaul diet and exercise plan starting ASAP for the summer. It's a mixed blessing that my weight isn't budging from 147, which is just 1 pound over pre-pregnancy. No, of course it's not like I look the same...

Well, that's an update. More after Sunday's race!

Race Report!

2010-06-05T20:01:00.006-04:00

The swim: I debated whether I should warm up in the water or not (remember I had no time goals here) but decided I would. The water was warm, perfect with my wetsuit (very few swam without one) and immediately I knew things were going to be...GOOD. My wave was the last one, with 40+ women and a few men who were on relay teams. But basically the fast people were long gone so no worries about being swum over. I would guess I was about halfway toward the front of my wave. A little jostling in the beginning, but I felt good. Slow, yes, and I was never out of breath/pushing hard, but that was part of the plan (this time). I just picked off the buoys, and though by the last one I was ready to be done, if I had needed to I really could have kept going! I never panicked, and kept thinking to myself, why, this is almost enjoyable! The official results aren't up yet but by my watch it was .9 miles in just under 32 minutes. I had figured about 30, so...fine. I can't wait to see how that stacks up with my age group...

T1 (Tonly): Slow. Yeah, yeah. Of course it was slow, there was a long walk (well, run for everyone else) from the beach to my bike. And after being extended for 32 minutes with no weight on it, the ankle wasn't happy to be asked to go fast (relatively speaking here). So couple that with trying to get the wetsuit over my ankle without crying, and it apparently was about 5:27. Ouch.

Bike: Not the 17+ I had hoped for, not by a long shot!! By this time, the sun was out and it was HUMID after the morning's rain. I hadn't eaten enough (always a gamble...eat enough, and risk serious GI distress...I figured I'd rather be weak than in pain), so pulled the GU out of my saddle bag and that seemed to make a big difference. This course was HILLY. I'm used to hills, but this redefined rolling hills for me. I would go from 40+ on the downhills (FUN!) to I think I hit 6.2 on one steep uphill. Of course I passed a lot of people. This was expected, given my wave and the fact that, by the time I left transition, there were very few people behind me! I am VERY curious to see others' bike times, as my average was only 15.2 yet I really couldn't have gone much faster. I definitely have a problem maintaining momentum up hills, and a few times (ok, a lot of times), I said screw it and didn't even try. The lack of competition that far back didn't help my speed, but again, I had FUN, and really that was the point today.

I waited around FOREVER for the awards. I actually thought I might have been the only aqua biker, and, well, you know what that means. They went through most of the age group awards (but missed some, including the only 60+ year old woman) but then said, oh, we're not done but we're not ready to give those out yet. UGH. So I went up and asked, and they sent me back to the timing truck, and the guy there told me I'd won. Out of 2 females. Though I did also beat the 2 males. So I went back to the stage and asked for my award, and left. No going up on stage, no fanfare (though honestly no that many people stuck around for the real awards anyway), which I guess annoyed me a little.

On the drive home, I was pissed. I'd had fun and won my division. Why was I upset? Took me a long time to figure it out (I had a long drive), but I guess I came up with the fact that this is just a consolation prize. My competition is now the fat, lazy, and crippled. And ok, I'm the fastest one. So fucking what? I'll get over it. I have no choice. But my performance, fun though it was, didn't deserve a prize. There's just no real meaning in what I won.

All the real athletes ran.